I need opinions on just when is it OK to speak up about what goes on at the other parent's house? I know the rule of what goes on at our house stays at our house and vice versa but what if it is or could have a lasting effect on the children? Is it OK to ask the kids how things are going at the other house?

Here is why I am asking. We got SS yesterday for our one night a week. I picked him up at his aunt's house on my way home from work because I had to pass by there. Well his mom was there. I dreaded going up to the door because of how ferocious she has been latetly. So I knocked on the door and ss's cousin brought him to the door and ss was kind of on his bottom lip. He gave me a half smile and hugged me and ran on to the car. I was right behind him. Never saw BM.

So we get in the car and he is talking a little and so I ask him are things going OK? He says yes but knowing my ss I knew that yes was not what he wanted to to say but he was saying it for fear of telling anything. So I then proceeded to tell him that I know things are tough right now and I know that his mom is mad and he is having to deal with it but I was there and so was his dad for him to talk to and try to help him deal with it all. I aksed him about an instance last week where we were told that his mom and her BF were fighting and he(ss) started crying and ran to the back room. His aunt told his dad about it so I asked ss not about the fight but about why he cried. I wanted to know if he did it as a way to get his mom to see it upsets him or what. So he said yes that the fight happened and he cried and when I asked why he cried with just this exasperated tone he said I cry because I am afraid they are going to hurt each other. From there he was on a roll giving all sorts of instances where his mom and her BF fight and his mom gets hurt and her BF face is bleeding and about how they tell one another that they need to get their stuff and leave, I wish you were dead, I wish you lived under a bridge and all kinds of stuff. SS tells me that it does not just scare him but it scares the girls (the BF 3 girls). he said they cry to. Then he got a lump in his throat and said that it really scared him when they fought and one of them was holding his baby brother (18mths old) and they start jerking him out of each other's arms and fight over who's son he is. Now my H knows from being married to her how she is constantly yelling and how she can be handy as far as hitting and her BF has a record of domestic charges from the girls mom. We have always know about the fighting and arguing b/c ss has told us before but it seems like it is bothering him more now.

So we are going to be going to court to try and get the week at a time and part of our petition for the change in circumstance is his mother had a volitile relationship with her signifigant other.I of course have recorded all that he has told us yesterday and in the past. I keep a daily journal. H and I are concerned that ss may try to step in and take perhaps his baby brother from them and maybe get hurt physically in the process like accidentally getting hit or shoved. Now H and I have stressed to ss to stay out of it when that is going on. We have told him to go to his bedroom and shut the door. H is sick about all of it. In the past about 2 year ago H said something to BM about he did not care if her and her BF wanted to whip on one another just don't be doing it in front of their son. Well BM flipped out went off on ss and told us to stay out of her business. Now I know all couples have arguments and sometimes they could be considered a fight but I under NO circumstances agree with the violence in it all. I also agree that is their business but when it bothers ss the way it is and he is coming to us with this does that then make it our business? Should H say something to her about what ss has said or do we just keep documenting it and let her answer to it in court? How involved should we get in this? we know that talking to BM will really do no good and just make it harder on SS. I am 31 and BM tears me up I cannot imagine how her son feels to see her that way and love her the way he does.

By the way she got the letter from the lawyer about child care and she is now sending him to her sister's house and not to the dump sitters or letting the girls watch him so YEAH there. Also H and I talk to SS about not calling him anymore till after things get settled. SS told us last night that his mom tried to slam the door on his foot when his dad called the other night and when he got off the phone his mom told him that he did not need to be talking to his dad that long and to say what he had to say and get off cause he was burning her minutes. Well H called her on their land line cause their cell phones have been temporarily disconnected.

Any opinions, thoughts, or advice here would be GREATLY appreciated.