Hi, I haven't logged onto my account here forever. I used to lurk here all the time when my DH and I first started living together and the whole reality of being a step-parent really set in. We've now been living together almost 3 years and married 1.

We recently filed a petition to change custody for DH's 2 kids, SS-9 and SD-6. The last 5 years have been completely insane at BM's house. She has had about 8 different live in boyfriends, SS has changed schools EVERY year since Kindergarten, and SD a new school both years she's been. BM works 2 jobs, both with unset schedules, and the children spend the majority of the time they are "with her" with her parents or her sister even though we are available. DH and I have lived in the same house since we moved in together, I have one daughter from a previous relationship that has been in the same school since she started school, and we have a baby together. My school age daughter does not have to go to daycare at all because my schedule is set up so that I am there when she gets home, and I take her to school. We pay BM full child support for both kids as if she had full custody, but we actually have them court ordered overnights about 150 days a year, plus every Tuesday until 8:30. My DH was able to get the extra visitation in his divorce by simply offering to pay her the full amount, even thought he was entitled to a discount at that point. We have tried to work with BM to offer the kids to go to the school by our house, so they don't have to change, or go to daycare, we have tried to tell her we are available WHENEVER she works evenings and to please just let us take them and she completely ignores the requests, we think because she's afraid of loosing her check if she allows us any more overnights, and they spend MANY MANY school nights with aunt/ or grandma.

Sorry for the long intro...but here is my dilemma
Since we filed the petition, to re-open the case, and we haven't heard a response yet...we're about to file a motion for failure to respond, the kids have been acting out Terribly. As soon as we filed, BM went out and bought SS a cell phone, and he's been bringing it to our house. They were off track and with us for about 2 weeks and 2 days after we picked them up, I went downstairs to change the laundry at about 10 p, (bedtime is 8:30) and I heard SS talking. I stood outside his door and listened for about 10 minutes while he completely trash talked me to his mom. SS I've always thought of as a very sweet kid, and he was painting this picture of me that made me sound horrible, and irrational and seriously like the wicked step-mother, which I try so hard not to be. The kids have rules and responsibilities at our house, which they don't have at home, but it is MY house and I have 2 other kids that I'm raising with my values, and it's important to me that they are all treated the same. I ran and got DH, because I felt like I couldn't go in there and take it away when he was talking about me in the first place, and DH went down there and took the phone and told him that being on the phone that late was unacceptable, and talking that way about me was uncalled for and not going to be tolerated. We have also had problems with walking in on him talking to his mom several times a day and he's always whining that he's sick, or his tummy hurts, or something stupid and made up, but always whining. It's like he turns into a completely different kid when he talks to her. We since then made cell phone rules at our house, and told him that he needs to give it to us when he goes to bed, and he is no longer allowed to talk to anyone on it unless it's in front of us, because if he has something to hide, he probably shouldn't be saying it. We also told him that if he doesn't like our rules, he can leave the phone at his mom's because ours are always available if he needs to call someone.

SD has been saying really mean things to my daughter like stuff along the lines of "Your mom is an idiot, my mom is WAY smarter than her" and on nights when she knows her mom is coming to get her, she'll refuse to eat what we're eating for dinner and say "I don't like it and my mom's coming anyway so I'll just ask her to stop and get me something" While they were with us they still go to their babysitter and on 6 different days she faked sick (which she does A LOT, because BM likes pain pills so she's always "in pain") and the babysitter although I told her almost EVERY DAY that she needed to call me when it was our time, called her mom to come get her. I luckily showed up pretty much while they were working out arrangement for her to come get her every time but one, and every time, I told them both, I am capable of taking her to the Dr. if she needs it, but she's been with me, and she is NOT SICK and I took her with me, and of course she was FINE within minutes of leaving, playing with friends and talking and bubbly and all. On the last day (Thursday) the babysitter called BM early in the morning about an hour after I dropped them off and made her come get the kids and supposedly said they could not come back until SD went to the Dr because she is OBVIOUSLY sick and BM needed to get her right now. BM text me and told me this and although I was livid, there wasn't much I could do. Of course it turns out that there was NOTHING wrong with SD.
SS and SD went back to BM's house on Monday night, and about 20 minutes after she picked them up DH got a text message that said, "Can you please tell me exactly WHY my son is not allowed to talk to me" he wasn't with her 20 minutes and he already tattled to his mom, and LIED about what actually went on with the phones. And she feeds right into it, rather than maybe calling DH in front of step son and asking him to explain what's going on, digging deeper for an explanation...I feel like our lives are now under some sort of distorted microscope. And you can ask even my father's daughter, who is not my biggest fan, but even he will tell you I am a DAMN good mother.

I'm sorry this is so long, but what concerns me is that we are going for custody because we both agree that it is in the best interest of the kids. Their lives are unstable, and it's not a good environment. They are being handed everything they ask for (materially) and not expected to do anything in return. The kids can't even be at home with us and play outside with friends like normal kids do because they expect to be taken somewhere and have money spent on them upon their demand (this is what Grandma and Grandpa do to keep them entertained) I went into this knowing that it might be hard, I was a step child 6 times over, but after this last off track go round, I am petrified. It's like she's completely turning them against us, and they see how happy it makes her when she thinks we are upsetting them so now their lying. Also from SDs comments I think she's trash talking us around them, and I'm afraid that if we win they are going to HATE us. It's like they're being taught hate, and I just think that it's so awful. SS even refused to watch the president's speech yesterday and when I asked if they watched it, his response was, "HECK NO! They showed it at my school but WHY would I watch him, I FREAKING HATE HIM! He's SUCKS!" I know everyone has their opinions on politics, but there's no reason doe a 9yo to be that hateful towards anyone, especially someone they don't know. I love my SK's but I'm afraid of how this is going to go, and how it's going. I know that the things they are doing are not necessarily their faults, but I can't help but want to almost distance myself from them at this point. They think her, their aunt, and their grandparents walk on water, and it seems like their being convinced that we are the scum of the earth.

Any advice would be so appreciated, I'm kind of at a loss and I don't want to deny my DH what is best for his children, he would never do that to me, but I can't stand the thought of being disrespected and despised in my own house for the nest 12 years either...