I wanted to like them
I wanted to like them, my step kids. Their BM tried her best to make sure they wouldn't give me a chance. And one of them never did, but I had one who was kind of halfway open to me. At some point that changed too. At some point I feel like I closed off to him too. I made it through the periods where he made jokes about killing my cats that his sister would laugh hysterically at, but when he started saying racist things - weirdly, this was my shut off point. Now, I am just living in a house with two young people who I do not like. It feels petty to say that they didn't like me first, but that's not why I don't like them. They make fun of other kids at school, "poor" people, "weird" people, "emo" or "nerdy" people. They are those popular kids who snickered at kids like me growing up. My SS says racist things. He thinks it's funny. I took his phone for 2 hours. It's the only time I ever actively did anything in this household. I did it because racism is the ugliest thing. There is little respect for my husband and none for me, just indifference that transforms into irritation if he is talking to me or paying attention to me. Both of them have stopped trying in school. My SD was furious when my husband told her she had to turn in her assignments that her teacher had already graciously had given her an extension on. She is in the lowest level classes, and he doesn't care about that. What he cares about is effort. The least effort there is , is not turning something in. She said she would live at her moms house who lets her do whatever she wants, lets my SS, only 12, play R rated games, they curse, she encourages it and mocks my husband for not liking it. It's chaos and it comes here apprx 4 days out of the week. We don't have weekends, and their BM comes over even when we ask her not to. It's a miserable life. There, I said it. The worst part about all of this is the damage it will / is doing to our marriage. How can you be married to someone who doesn't like your children. Who doesn't like the people they are becoming? Who is unhappy most of the time. How can I be married to someone that comes with a life that makes me feel trapped and sad?
I used to want to have kids. Husband talked me down from 3 to 1. I feel like that won't even happen. SD is talking about either not going to college or going to community college. If she becomes an adult child living and home, barking at my husband and being disrespectful for 4 additional years, raining chaos on our house and somehow always involving her mother in the drama, I don't know if I will make it. We we're waiting to have a kid until she went to college, because she has 2 rooms and there is no other space. But also I wanted to bring a child into the world where it was wanted and not resented. ... but maybe none of that will happen.
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Comments
I understand that your DH is
I understand that your DH is wonderful, but it's not worth staying if you give up you plan to be a mother. You will regret that.
I dont see anything redeeming
I dont see anything in your situation that sounds like you should stick it out long term.
These brats that ignore you and treat people like crap. Well dear it doesnt get better, they dont get better and they never go away completely. Time to really consider is this the relationship for you because if you want kids, you need to start now or you will end up like me - 53 and childless, over functioning for kids that are not yours, or that you despise. I have one of each of those.
And what does your husband,
And what does your husband, their father, do about all this? How does he react to the racist language? To the cursing? To the disrespect? And why is BM allowed to just come to your house? One or both you have to use that word "No" and enforce it.
If those kids are there 4 days a week, then your DH has at least equal parenting power as the BM. He can't enforce anything at her house, but he sure could at your house. It is his job as a parent to raise these kids to be independent, contributing adult members of society. Do you see that happening? Or will they be living with you forever because they can't function in the larger world?
Of COURSE you are unhappy and resentful. Your DH needs to know how unhappy you are and the two of you need to put a plan in place to fix it. If he won't, then you know you're not the priority.
Sounds like BM is high
Sounds like BM is high-conflict, and is alienating the kids from both of you. It's essential that your DH sets boundaries on her and parents his kids. He's really the problem here - yes, BM is a problem too, and the kids, but he's the parent in the home and as such, he should be disciplining his kids and not allowing them to behave so badly.
This is definitely not going
This is definitely not going to work for you long term. You are being asked to sacrifice your happiness for the happiness of SKs who do not sound like they even deserve such a thing from you.
It's one thing when relationships are on an equal level and you receive the same respect and consideration. But when all you do is give and give and never receive anything in return it will slowly drain you of your happiness.
To have to wait to fulfill your desire to have a child in order to indulge a selfish, disrespectful, spoiled brat who requires two bedrooms in order to continue to love her parent is an absurd request of you.
You didn't create this problem, it is not your burden to bare. If your DH truly loved you he would care about your happiness as well. Right now you are living like a second class citizen in your marriage and your home.
What does bm come over for?
What does bm come over for? Does she try to come in? Why hasn't either of you told her to get off your damn property or you will go after her for trespassing?
Why does your SD have two rooms?
Why are you allowing her so much space in your head? So much power over your life? If you want a baby, then have one. Things might improve if you did. Firstly, your SK might stop coming over so much if they're not the centre of attention and secondly, you'll have another, much more important, focus in your life. And just take back one of those rooms. Who knows? By the time you get pregnant (it's not always immediate), then 9 months of pregnancy, and then 6 months in your room, time might be up for your SD and she'll be going off to college! Don't put things off that you truly want.
I stopped reading
When he "joked" about killing your cats. There's more truth in jest. Harming or "joking" about harming animals is a deal breaker.