I could Kill FDH right now.
This happened last night and I am still steaming over it. FDH asked if he could borrow my car to take one of our friends over to another friend's house to pick up some money that the guy was owed. I was cool with FDH taking my car b/c the friend owes me some money and I'm ready to be paid back. I hope this makes sense so far. So they left at about 8:20pm. FDH said they were just going to pick up the money and would be right back. SD8 is already in bed. I finish some homework and pick up some pleasure reading, expecting them to be back any moment.
I haven't spent much quality time with FDH in the past week and can't even tell you the last time we were intimate, so I was looking forward to him coming back so we could have some much needed time together. Blargh. So around 9:30 I decided to just go to bed and continue thinking that any moment FDH will be home. NOPE.
I get woken up at 11:45pm by them coming home (I have to get up at 4:30am, and never get good sleep). I hop out of bed to get my keys and phone b/c I don't want to be stuck looking for them at 5am. I asked FDH what took so long. "We smoked some pot". Dumb glazed look on his face. OH. REALLY. I basically said "fuck you" and stomped off back to bed.
Remember they had MY car, MY phone, and I'm at the house with SD for 3 hours just so you can go out and get frickin stoned. I DON'T THINK SO. Then I remembered about the money thing so I stomp out of bed again to go ask if they have my money. Oh no, they didn't, the dude is supposed to pay him tomorrow (which is now today). Fuck you again. Good night.
This morning when I was about to leave for work, FDH got up b/c he said he needed to get something out of my car. He gets two guitars. So I now know that he left the house planning to hang out for a while, leaving me to be "on duty". Asshole. Even though SD was asleep, you never know when something might go wrong and I was stuck with no transportation and no phone.
So now I'm left feeling totally taken for granted and am contemplating spending the night at a friend's house tonight so he can see just what life is like without me. If he wants to go play Mr. Do Whatever I Want, then he can go do it by himself! He's 29 years old. Man up!
PS: This is not the first time something like this has happened and each time he says "I know, I'm sorry". Well obviously he isn't or he wouldn't keep doing it!
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You can do a LOT better than
You can do a LOT better than this. If he wants to go out and hang out, fine, but he shouldn't LIE to you to trick you into babysitting HIS KID. That is really shitty. And yes, he had the guitars, so he knew exactly what he was planning to do that night.
Don't put up with that.
Wow, I would have been very
Wow, I would have been very angry too! So from what I am reading, what is happening is actually a combination of things:
1) He lies to you
2) He leaves you in a situation of not being able to get a hold of him "if" something were to happen, which is scary for you
3) He gets stoned AND drives
4) He lies again to you when he gets home
5) No acknowledgement of what he is doing and no sincere apology
6) The behaviour repeats
One of my questions is for you: "Are you okay with being in this relationship?" I am not being snarky, I completely understand that maybe he has some stellar qualities that make being with him worth anything else he may do.
If you do go to a girlfriend's house for the night, what are you hoping it will accomplish? Are you hoping it will give him a bit of a wake-up call? What if it doesn't and he doesn't really miss you or uses it as a free card to have people over to play guitar and smoke pot with.
I guess what you do really depends on where you want to end up.
Would you be able to talk to him and say "enough is enough" and have him get it?
I've talked to him in the
I've talked to him in the past in similar situations and he's always seemed genuinely sorry and then he won't do it again for a while. And then it happens again. I'm hoping that by leaving it will be something of a wake-up call b/c I've left twice just to go for a ride and clear my head and he seemed really freaked out and said that in those cases he was worried I would leave and not come back.
Hell, if he has fun without me there and doesn't seem worried about it, then I guess I know which direction to travel then, don't I? And that's away.
He does have really good qualities, but being that I'm super pissed off right now, I don't care to mention them or give them a whole lot of credit.
Hm, so his priorities are
Hm, so his priorities are dumping his kid and getting stoned with friends. Now what makes you think being intimate with you is more important?
This kind of behaviour would make me VERY closely examine this relationship. He may like living like this and that is his choice. But he doesn't need to make you miserable in the process. And you choosing not to live like that is also OK.
And not to mention that I
And not to mention that I have been carrying the household on my credit card for the last month. My bill is over $2k for one month due to paying for all the groceries, gas, and all my school stuff. And I was happy enough (well "happy" may not be the best word) to make the sacrifice b/c FDH was unemployed for 3 weeks and looking for work. And THIS is how he shows his appreciation? Not impressed.
Exactly. But I didn't get out
Exactly. But I didn't get out of bed a third time to rant on that, lol. I took another melatonin and tried to get back to sleep as quickly as possible b/c it's really hard to sleep when you're contemplating evil acts. And the fact that my sleep was disturbed just made me that much more angry.
Please forgive my next
Please forgive my next question - you sound like a very dedicated person, ready, willing and trying to be able to do everything you can for your home and family. However, if he has done this to you before, apologized, and then done it again.. do you really think he will change?
*Sigh* A large part of me
*Sigh* A large part of me thinks "no". That I'm gonna have to either deal with it or leave. But I'm an eternal optimist and keep hoping...
Being an optimist makes you a
Being an optimist makes you a wonderful human being.
Being a blind optimist makes you a danger to yourself.
Sweetie, if he has done it before, been afraid of you leaving, and continued to do it... he isn't going to change. Maybe it is time to make a "Plan B". You don't have to do anything right away, but sit down and figure out the logistics of leaving. Do you own the home, rent, what do you have to do to get out of the situatoin and force him to deal with his life, etc.
Why did he have your phone?
Why did he have your phone? Does he not have one? I'm sorry but this being a repeated act would be enough to call is quits. I would not marry him for sure.
Well he has one but it hasn't
Well he has one but it hasn't been on in months. So I do effectively have the only working phone. Not that my permission was asked to take it.
If it weren't for the age of
If it weren't for the age of your skid I'd think you were with my ex who's idea of a quick errand "I'll be back shortly" is a minimum of 4 hours cause he had to wait on so and so, they got high, he had to take so and so here there and everywhere. It doesn't change.
Yeah, I've heard all that
Yeah, I've heard all that before too. I guess I'm just too responsible and feel that even when I go out with my friends I should be back at a decent time since FDH is alone with the kid or whatever. Why do I bother?
Why are you with a man who
Why are you with a man who gets stoned? AND THEN DRIVES???
He's an inconsiderate clod. Check.
I just can't fathom what is appealing about a druggie. If I EVER caught my DH high, he'd get ONE warning. After that, sayonara!
I was trying to sound
I was trying to sound magnanimous.
I had a relationship like
I had a relationship like this not so long ago. ExBF would tell me he was running to the store and wouldn't come home until 4a.m. He was out getting drunk, stoned or high on cocaine. Each time he did it he would apologize sincerely and tell me he was done but every six weeks or so the same thing would happen again. I'm not saying it's not ok for FDH to cut loose every now and then, we all need to do that, but if he's lying to you and knows it's a problem but continues to do it, you might have a bigger issue on your hand,and that is a lack of respect for you. If the discussion is you yelling at him and him apologizing, that may be why it's not sinking in, but if you have told him your feelings and the respect peice and he continues to do it, things may not change anytime soon.
Yes, I believe I noted last
Yes, I believe I noted last night that he was acting like a kid. I'm going to try the whole calm conversation thing today. I supposed it depends on how that conversation goes as to whether or not I spend the night elsewhere - mostly b/c I would be in emotional turmoil. But perhaps it would be worth it. He needs to stop this bs before we get married or I may not marry him at all!
It will be really hard to get
It will be really hard to get a job if he has pot in his system. - Just sayin.
I used to have this saying back when I was dating - The guy better have a job, a house, and a car. Now, the house is figurative because it could be an apartment. The job - minimum wage was fine - I wasn't a snob and a car - well, if your dude doesn't have a car, he will have to rely on you. Now I think I will add cell phone...Not cool. Life is hard enough without having a co-dependent. And, if you have someone that can take care of themselves, trust me, you will get along MUCH better. You will fight about different things like politics. Not whether or not you are willing to post bail if he ever goes to jail.
What does your gut tell you? Do you think you deserve better? Do you think you could find better? Then why settle? Good luck to you. Love is blinding but then again, true love, where the person respects you and treats you well is the real deal. Anything else is that wolf in sheep's clothing...
Ha. I have posted bail
Ha. I have posted bail before. The thing is that he has a car, but he's low on gas and being that he hasn't gotten his first paycheck from the new job yet (serving) he likes to drive my car on unnecessary trips. Which then ups my gas bill.
Anyway I came home a little while ago and pretty much unloaded on him. He appeared to take me seriously, but we'll see. Said he was going to go try to pawn his drum kit for extra cash. Thank god. I'd be happy to get that thing outta my house permanently.
I absolutely agree about
I absolutely agree about actions being factual.
My ex was like this, wow, what a good talker he was, but his actions gave away the real facts everytime.
I do not like words, or INTENTIONS, those do not mean squat to me. I am more of a "show me" person, that is, if your actions are consistant in showing me respect then I have no problem with you and vice versa, if your actions are consistant showing me disrespect, I am done.
I despise when someone says to me "I didn't intend to do that", or "I intended to do this"...NOPE- WHAT did their actions show? That is what I am interested in.
OR the "I didn't mean this or that to happen"...to me saying what your intention was or what you meant is a cop out to what the action was.
I know, I know. I've always
I know, I know. I've always suspected I was a bit cray-cray.
Thanks dtzy. It's funny that
Thanks dtzy. It's funny that you mention raising a grown man, b/c one of my friends said something so similar to me earlier today, that it's "so hard to raise a boyfriend right". But you're right. We shouldn't have to! Furthermore, I am the economic heavyweight in the house. If I left, I have only my cat and my shit to take and we would be just fine. He would have his daughter and be up shit creek. The life he and SD would have without me would be much bleaker. I am what makes this household a home. I provide all the extras, the fun stuff. I've been hesitant to bring that up to him in the past b/c I didn't want to bring him down. He's knows it anyway. It doesn't take a genius to figure it out.
I talked to him earlier and am still mad about last night, but we'll see how this plays out over the next little while. I didn't want to leave SD screwed out of her soccer practice and I had homework to finish, so I ended up not leaving for the night. But if this EVER happens again, I will give him a taste of what life is like without me, and screw whether he has work/school/no one to care for the kid. Figure it out, b/c THAT'S LIFE WITHOUT ME.
In the end, I think I'm just too nice for my own good. I always put other's needs before my own, and sometimes end up feeling very put-out about it.