I haven't been on here in so long. Things with us got a lot better, and I felt I didn't need to vent anymore. Well, now I do

My mother flat out told me she doesn't want to hear certain things anymore. I had 2 good female friends who lied, backstabbed, and turned on me so I don't trust them anymore. I just feel so lost sometimes. I just need someone to listen to me sometimes and not always have to try and fix things...someone who can understand where I'm coming from.

I have learned to accept that it is okay for me not to have motherly feelings for my stepsons, 6 and 7. The majority of the days, though, I find it hard to find good, positive things about the oldest. I blame him for a lot of my frustrations, and I'm hoping that as I write this I can understand it better and fix it. I have been with their father for over 2 years. Our first year together was riddled with finalizing the divorce and not being allowed to even date my boyfriend. A few months before it was finalized, it was finally okay for us to live together. I worked full-time, I had my own car, I was independent, fun, thinner, and sometimes happier. About 10 weeks after the school year started (I was a pre-k teacher), we decided to have me stay at home. The oldest was starting kindergarten, and he was having a very hard time adjusting to school, being social, and understanding what his biomom did (he witnessed her suicide attempt). He has been in counseling for about a year or more off and on since the last 2 years. The youngest I would keep at home part-time while he attended pre-k at my old job part-time. Eventually I turned my car in and filed bankruptcy from past problems from my previous divorce. At the end of last school year (13 months ago), we decided to withdraw the oldest from kinder because he was not participating at all, the teacher didn't want to deal with him, and he was basically going to daycare. With his emotional, social, and behavioral problems keeping him from learning, we decided over last summer to homeschool him - since I'm a certified teacher with a college degree anyway!

So starting last August I homeschooled SS7 while SS6 started public school kinder. The youngest flourished. He was with grandma when his parents split and did not witness any emotional trauma. From the beginning I knew this relationship was going to be a TON of work, with my boyfriend as well as SS7. Last summer, biomom came to pick the kids up for their summer visit of 42 days. She couldn't handle taking care of them, so after 12 days we had to drive from Tx to Wy to pick the kids up. She was even in the hospital, again! Not long after that incident we filed a motion with the family court to reduce visitations, and so now the judge has ordered 48 hours of supervised visits once a month, no extra holidays, vacations, etc. They must make weekly phone calls on Sundays at noon, too. Their mom has not seen them since last July when we picked them up except for in October when she had to come here for court.

One moment I feel so bad for those kids, because they don't have a "real" mom who loves them like a biomom should. I am not strong enough to step in those shoes and fill that position. I do the best I can. I spend one-on-one time with them, I take them to Six Flags just me and them, we cook together, we watch movies together. But no matter what those feelings of not really caring about them pops its head up once in a while. I know it's normal, but I don't like it.

So since I homeschooled the oldest, our relationship started off getting better. By Christmas time it was getting strained, because we were together 24/7. By Feb. of this year, I finally broke down crying my eyes out telling their father I couldn't do this anymore, day in and out. Either I need a mother's day out program to drop him off at once a week or he needs to go back to school. While those were my true feelings, I also didn't want to give up on this little boy or his father. I was torn. We had him tested for reading level and ADD/ADHD. His reading level is not at level, and I figured that. With his emotional outbursts coming out again, I have not been able to teach him for the last five months. He was started on Concerta almost a month ago after trying Riddalin the previous month. I also started taking parenting classes with my therapist. SS7 has turned around a great deal with our token program. We set up house rules and chores for each of them, and each night they are rewarded for different following those rules and any chores they did. They spend them to watch tv, play computer, play outside, basically anything they do they have to have a token to do it from what was told by the therapist. There have been 2 incidents where he ran out of tokens to do something for part of the day, he had major meltdowns, but he has since learned from that. My boyfriend and I agree that this is also helping him to learn the value of money and not spend money if you don't have it!

I went to stay with my mom and sister a few weeks ago to get some me time. When I tried to talk to my mom about things, she made me feel so guilty and horrible about myself that I left a day early. She feels that I'm lucky to have a man who works to provide for me while I don't work at all - in her eyes I don't have any "my" money. She says I should be glad he works and gave me a van so that I can stay home. Really mom?!?! Because you know having a cooked meal 3-4 days out of the week, laundry done, house cleaned, and watching kids all day isn't a job?! My boyfriend doesn't see it her way, and I'm glad but it's still in my head - my mom pointing her finger at me and telling me I'm ungrateful! Yet she texted me this weekend asking to borrow $100!?

So, as I was hoping, putting down some of the things we have been through and we've made it this far...I can see that little things that are bothering me right now are not huge problems. Yes I get annoyed at things the kids do, and I wish I didn't have to deal with them 24/7. But I don't see anyone else doing that for these kids!!! Yesterday, my boyfriend commented that he likes how I've set-up rules, because now he can tell the boys to get out of the bathtub and they do it. SMH - really?!

What I wish for is for me to not be so anal about things, to let things go if it's not a big deal. Should I worry if one of them is talking with food in their mouth or playing with their string cheese?! I wish that I could be more sympathetic and just nice! I seem to have an attitude that stinks, and I don't know how to change it. My excuse: I'm with kids all day long who aren't biologically mine and yes it's different than if they were. But good news is that in 3 months both boys are going to public school next year! I won't be home all day with them, and I think that will improve things a lot. As I explained it to my boyfriend, we need time apart to miss each other and enjoy the times we are together.