Oh, the nerve!

Welcome to the roller coast ride of life with SKs, ladies and gentlemen! I JUST commented to someone this week about things being much better now that my SKs are 23 and 25 and we don't have to deal with BM directly. About 2 days later, my DH received an email from BM advising him that SS23, who dropped out of college two years ago, has decided to return this Fall and saying he needs a new laptop and would DH contact SS23 and make arrangements to pay for it for him?! This is the same SS23 who hasn't spoken to DH since he came for the gift grab at Christmas and who married his girlfriend secretly a couple months ago and when we found out about it, DH messaged him about it, and received NO response! DH is not good enough to speak with or be a part of SS's life, but he's just fine to shake down for money when he needs it. When I learned about it, I was LIVID. It threw me back to a decade ago when, out of the blue, BM messaged DH and told him she needed 1K by the end of the week for oldest SS's braces, plus payments for the next 2 years, and did the same thing with oldest SS just one year later, so both were in braces at the same time, with DH having ZERO input into the timing, the selection, the payment plan, and just being ordered to PAY. (even though the CO was silent as to braces.)

My DH has been heartsick over this since he got the message. We've both had so many emotions. I was angry. DH is just feeling hurt and used. And we both are scratching our heads wondering how you buy something so expensive and specific for someone whe doesn't speak to you. DH says it's a "no win" situation as far as whether we're buying it, and I agree, so it WILL happen. But it makes me angry that my and DH's bio DS18 is starting college in August and HE needs a laptop as well. In fact, my DH is mad at me currently because I asked our DS18 , who's a whiz at computers and going to major in computer science, what kind of laptop SS23 might need, and DS, knowing that SS23 doesn't speak to us, asked why we were buying something so expensive for someone who doesn't talk to us, and I sarcastically said, "because his mother said we have to." I realize I shouldn't have said that, but it's the truth. DS18 then asked what SS23 was contributing towards the laptop, as we've told DS18 he must pay 1/2 towards his laptop, and I told him nothing, as I'm not going to lie to him, and he's grown up knowing the rules don't apply to SSs and everything was different for them.

This year is my and DH's 20th wedding anniversary, and I'm just so d@mn fed up with not being able to plan our expenses, and our money not being ours because we're subject to some request from BM. I don't want to jeopardize my marriage, but I did remind DH he told me when SS23 turned 18, for any future requests for money from BM, he'd tell her to have whichever SS it was for to contact him. And I've told him he needs to respond back to her this time and tell her their sons are now GROWN MEN (both married!!) and they should contact him directly if they want to ask him for money and that she has no reason to contact him about any requests for money. I know he won't, because he's never wanted to rock the boat and has allowed that woman to run all over him for the whole time they've been apart. In the meantime, I'm just having a nice glass of pinot noir and taking deep breaths.lol.

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Damn if it isn't posts like

Damn if it isn't posts like this that make me sooo glad I GTFO of step-hell.

He!!s to the No!!!

He’s grown up enough to get married, he’s grown up enough to buy his own laptop. IGNORE THE HO. Why should either of you feel like you still need to jump when she snaps her fingers? Block her number. Block her email address. Both of you. And put an immediate end to this topic. It’s not open for discussion. And it’s not a no- win. It’s just NO. WTF will DH win by buying the laptop? Did he win anything with the Christmas gifts? Didn’t think so.

If your DH MUST do this (he’s

If your DH MUST do this (he’s an effing idiot) then offer to order it for him. Go to Amazon. They have cheap laptops for less than $200. Done.

Why is The EX even e mailing

Let the kid ask himself. For the laptop !!! Tell DH stop the Bull Sh*t . If he can get married in secret he can buy a laptop in secret

If your DH goes along with

If your DH goes along with this totally unreasonable request from BM, he is colluding with her in infantilising his SS, who has been an adult for 5 yrs.

If this was my DH & he agreed

If this was my DH & he agreed to this, I don’t think I’d be able to speak to him until I calmed down. And I’m not sure I’d ever really calm down...

You two have been married for 2 decades and he’s STILL catering to BM’s demands? Wtf!

Why does HE need to buy the laptop? Why isn’t BM buying it if it’s so important that precious adult SS23 have a laptop for his online course?

I agree with the others. Your DH needs to block this bitch, there’s zero reason for them to be in contact & your family doesn’t need this drama. SS can speak to his dad himself if he feels like hitting him up for cash, and that’s all this is.

Wait ss23 married a few months ago

great that means he is in the eyes of the law saying he is financially independent and where hubby politely tells him to eff off!!

at age 19 and working casually, my mum helped cosign a an interest free credit card repayment plan to buy a laptop which i paid 100% for..

the look both of my parents would have had if i dared as a 23 yr old who had cut off contact fully and had married in secret would have dared to have my divorced mummmeee pressure and demand my dad for a free laptop... i would have probably gotten a slap on the face by my asian mum and she would have sarcastically said it was well deserved since i was being a real dumb rude bitch to even expect that!!

The simplest answer is to

The simplest answer is to block BM and pretend like you never saw the email. Silence should be the language spoken to BM regarding her 23 YEAR OLD.

What is your DH afraid he'll lose? He doesn't have a relationship with this kid, and he's going to spoil the one he does have with DS18 if he doesn't wisen up. Heck, if I were DS18, I'd lose my top on my dad for making me, a brand-new adult, pay half for my own laptop I need for school while just handing over one to my very-adult brother just because his mommy, who isn't even his wife, said so.

Maybe frame it that way to him. Frame it as "this is the example you are setting for our son, that exes get to control us until the day we die". But as his wife, I'd also be laying down the "you're going to need to choose your wife or your ex because you can't please both and I'm not afraid to be the next ex if you can't get your head out your arse". Been there, said that. So far it has worked.

Yes, yes and yes!

OP & her DH have been married for 20 years.... 20 YEARS! And the doughnut is still so afraid of his ex that he can't either block her or simply say No?

I told my DH before we were even engaged that if he continued to choose his ex's happiness over mine we were done. How can you be married to someone for two decades and still be pandering to the EX-wife? Especially for a kid who's not even speaking to you. I'm honestly baffled.

I mean... OP, really this. I

I mean... OP, really this. I would be LIVID.

YES ^^^^

Please tell me he will not honestly just run out and buy a 23yr old man who refuses to speak to your DH a new laptop because BM said he needs to. Both of you have to see how ridiculous that would be. There are several issues going on here, and that will not solve or even improve any of them. I too would be apt to just ignore the request. It's a ridiculous request, and your DH owes BM nothing. If SS23 needs help, he needs to step up and ask for it like a GROWN MAN. Also, allowing him to get his way by not talking to DH? No. Nope nope nope. If...IF, your DH somehow feels like he needs to do this, he needs to reply to BM and say- I will consider paying HALF (because why would the rules be different for his son, than for your other son??), when he comes to me himself, sits down and has a conversation with me, and makes the request. If he does not do that, I will pay nothing. Now, you have shown him how to handle the situation like a man, and that he has to speak to someone in order to get them to help him.

By just giving in to BM, he's just enabling SS to continue to be an entitled ass, BM to control DH. It doesn't have to be that way, so it baffles me that he would entertain that as an option. I would absolutely put my foot down on this if I were you.

This. My DH would block BM

This. My DH would block BM and refuse to cater to his absent kid. Otherwise I'd be gone.

What?!

I can fully see BM doing the very same thing when SS is 23 and married. Guess what the response will be: CRICKETS.

Why the hell is your DH buying this for a married man who won't speak to him? At the very least SS can come ask for himself.

Ugh. So glad my DH has testicles.

FASFA?

If ss is married with children, I am fairly certian he can file as " an emancipated adult" when he completed/completes his FASFA. Given he has a low income with dependents, he will get a substantial federal grant to pay expenses. Perhaps even enough to purchase a reasonable laptop - or at least half, like your son has to do.

At a minimum, I would want to see if SS has the means to pay for his laptop through the grant he SHOULD be getting via FASFA.

Going to add, he will also be

Going to add, he will also be able to include the cost of the laptop when he files his taxes for 2019 as a qualified college expense. Which again, married with dependents and a low income, he probably gets a substantial amount "refunded".

At a minimum, he should be

At a minimum, he should be able to ask his father himself, not go through Gatekeeper Mommy.

Well, in my mind, OF COURSE

Well, in my mind, OF COURSE this, but additionally FASFA. SS is likely just trying to "sweeten the pot" by attempting to get a 100% free laptop.

The whole situation is crazy.

The whole situation is crazy. If DH wants to help him (fine, my parents still helped me financially on occasion at 23), he should tell BM to tell SS to give him a call and they will discuss it like men. Then he should agree to pay half of the laptop as he is for his brother, on the condition that SS agrees to start working on their relationship with each other.

I could not live 20 years with a man whose balls were firmly in BM's grip.

If he dropped out two, short

If he dropped out two, short years ago, I'm pretty sure he will be on academic probation, which means he probably won't be able to take enough credits to qualify for aid. Also, any previous aid must be paid back in full before requesting another round.

I still don't think dad should buy him a laptop.

Show the proof

SS should call HIS DAD AND ASK. Before Dad funds anything, where is the proof (FAFSA, enrollment, name of school, program, etc)? I would have a whole lot of questions before I handed over money for anything.

My DH used to be afraid to say no because “he didn’t want to lose his kids...” but one day it dawned on him that it did not matter how much money he forked over, the skids would not have a relationship with him unless he divorced me and moved next to them.

Does not sound like your DH has a relationship with the SS and is at risk of losing the respect of the other younger son. Giving him money for a laptop won’t make or break this relationship...but may affect other relationships, though.

Why is BM not blocked? Your H

Why is BM not blocked? Your H shouldn't be in contact with her anymore, especially since their kids are GROWN so that's my first issue. Also, why the double standards when it comes to his son who is 23, married, and doesn't speak to him. Why should he get a lap top and the other son who is 18 has to pay half for his? Does that even make sense? So basically your H is rewarding the disrespectful grown son and disregarding the younger one? Look at the behavior and actions that are being modeled here. That would not sit well with me at all. I would not contribute one cent to this and he'd know this is not acceptable.

he's never wanted to rock the boat and has allowed that woman to run all over him for the whole time they've been apart. In the meantime, I'm just having a nice glass of pinot noir and taking deep breaths.lol.

How does your H still bow down to a woman that he's been divorced to for over 2 decades??? He needs to be worried about rocking the boat with you and feeling your wrath over this BS. I'd be damned if my H is afraid of upsetting another woman that isn't me.....not in this lifetime.

I feel your frustration but your H is a piece of work.

I'm sorry, I don't understand

I'm sorry, I don't understand why this WILL happen?

I don't see it as a "no win" situation. The win is, DH does not buy an expensive laptop for a grown, married man who does not see his dad as an important part of his life. He didn't even have the balls to ask his dad, himself, had to have Mommy do it.

There is just NO WAY.

My SD also got married and tried to keep it a secret from DH and I. This was nine years ago and although DH is hurt regarding their whole relationship, it does not drive him to try to buy her, nor does he let it devastate him. He does not let her guilt or manipulate him. She may think that he owes her but he does not and he knows it. He tried to be a good father, she just wouldn't let him and that is on her. Sure, we can blame BM (and she has a lot to do with it), but SD is now 27, and it's the same crap.

It's really too bad for SD because my husband is very generous and would normally do anything for his kid, but you get what you give and she has given him nothing in terms of a father/daughter relationship.

DH refuses to be used, even by his own flesh and blood. He put up with enough of that in the years past and is over it.

I hope your husband can be over it, someday. The hurt won't necessarily go away, but he can change how he handles it.

Thank you all for the

Thank you all for the comments and for the support. My DH is an amazing father & husband and we are best friends, constantly together. The ONLY thing we’ve ever disagreed on in all our years is SSs. My DH is not afraid of BM exactly, but he’s deathly afraid of her turning oldest SS25 against him again and losing him & the granddaughters. They were estranged for 5 years due to severe PAS. Oldest SS and BM are enmeshed. She was willing to do anything (have no rules, buy them anything) to be the favored parent (with DH’s $) and she won. SS25 is the same SS I posted about who we also cater to as far as paying for the entire vacation for him, his wife & 2 kids. (Coming up later this month.) The state of things with both SSs, but especially SS23, makes him so sad. Today is DH’s birthday and I feel sure he won’t hear from either SS. It’s a sad situation.

However, I do VERY MUCH agree that DH needs to tell BM that the SSs should contact him directly from now on with any issues and she should not contact him. I’m going to tell him that (though I’ll wait until after his birthday. Ha ha ha.)

This is really sad. Your DH

This is really sad. Your DH really shouldn’t worry so much about losing SS25, he’s already lost him. Tbh if the only reason his son is in his life is because daddee pays for his holidays etc, it’s toxic. It’s not a genuine relationship based on love, but on what he can get out of his dad.

That’s what’s genuinely sad.

I disagree he’s not afraid of BM when you say he’s afraid of her alienating the adult kids again. He caves & caters because he’s afraid of what she’ll do, despite the fact that he caves to accommodate a toxic relationship with his previous kids, & the expense it no doubt has on your son together.

My DH has an alienated daughter. Last year this daughter dangled a relationship with DH in front of his nose, started opening up & talking to him after years of silence, then hit him up for money. No doubt her mother was behind it.

DH said no, even though the end result was the loss of contact with his kid again. Parents should never have to buy their kids love. It killed him to do it because he was so thrilled to finally speak to his kid, but he knew if he didn’t draw that line they’d never have a genuine relationship, and he didn’t want that.

Imo, as hard as it is for your DH, it’s healthier for him to let his kids go than to allow this toxicity into ALL of your lives. He’ll be stuck playing - & paying for - this game for the rest of your lives otherwise.

Yep. My DH has dealt with

Yep. My DH has dealt with alienation, too, and he has never given in to BM or SS. SS19 knows better than to ask, but BM still tries to be the gatekeeper and DH ignores her.

It's not better to have a son who uses you and disrespects you than to have no son at all. Maybe if he stood up for himself, the older sons might see a man they can respect and want to emulate. Someone can stand up to Mom? Who knew! At this point, he's just teaching them that BM is the boss.

Even though my SS was alienated for years, DH still stands up to BM and to him. I respect that.

My DH has grandkids, as well,

My DH has grandkids, as well, but he is still not willing to be used and treated like crap. He made up his mind a long time ago that he would not be emotionally manipulated because of grandkids.

i would tell him oh u need a

i would tell him oh u need a laptop i sure hope your saving your penies, if not you need to be taking your butt to the LIBARY. I honetly wound not even stress this matter a simple hell NO is in order lol

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