Competition with SD9
Hi All, this is my first post on this site. I've looked up other people's posts about competition but wanted to share my experience. I've been with my DH for almost 4 years (married for about 1.5 years). He has two kids SD9 SS11, and I feel like SD is so clingy, it drives me insane. I feel like DH sees it as, he only sees the kids one day a week and on the weekend, but she really wedges herself into almost every situation and it drives me crazy. (And I've totally heard the question of 'Daddy if who are your 2 favorite people in the room? as in her and her brother) I know she's a kid but F*** that! I think she is manipulating him and he doesn't see it. I feel like he needs to have stronger boundaries with her, but if I said anything like that I would look like the jealous stepmom. Overall, I have a pretty good relationship with both skids, and DH doesn't let them be spoiled brats (which is a huge win) but I just have a really hard time with this part of relationship.
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I get it, and there are a few
I get it, and there are a few other people here who really struggle with this even more than me. I have SD9 also. In the almost 3 years I have been in their lives, it has really improved. It used to be constant clinging, always needing to insert herself when we were wrestling, hugging. But you're right, if I would have talked to my SO about it, he would have gotten defensive and thought I was being ridiculous. I did finally have a talk with her myself and told her, look SD, sometimes adult time is adult time, and you can't come be a part of it every time, ok? She got it, and she no longer tries to get in on our hugs, etc. She actually stopped immediately, and she hasn't even been as clingy to my SO. It has been a huge difference.
Adult time
That's great to hear, and thanks for your reply it's really got me thinking. I definitely feel powerless in this situtaion, and taking the leap to talk to her myself and set some rules, wasn't something I thought of before. However her and I have a relatively good relationship, I think I could set the boundary. I wish my DH would set it himself, but he's not a perfect person who knows everything and knows how to parent flawlessly (I'm working this out as I type). Also it would be me asserting myself in the family dynamic and taking a risk.
That's exactly how I felt. I
That's exactly how I felt. I just knew that continuing it was going to cause me to become so frustrated that I eventually snapped, which would be even worse than talking to her about it. My SO may have eventually seen my point had I mentioned it (this is how it usually works), but it would have been a huge fight first, and honestly, I felt kind of silly bringing this one up. I know he wouldn't understand that this is a common issue, and he would think I was just insecure and controlling. Trust me, It took me a long time to get to the point of talking to her, and it ended up going really well. I did it very nicely. I have a good relationship with her too...if I did not, this would have ended differently I'm sure.
I also told her (in a different conversation that kind of came up naturally) that she's getting too old for some behaviors. She had mentioned she's too old for something. I said, I know! There are a few things you're getting kind of old for. She said, like what? I said, well, trying to sit in your dads lap, things like that. She looked sheepish and said "oh". She knew she had been pushing it. And guess what? Haven't seen her do it since, and our relationship is exactly the same. Win!
Your husband needs to show
Your husband needs to show his kids what a healthy adult relationship looks like, and what a healthy father/child relationship looks like (not to mention, teaching his kid to not be rude). Maybe put it that way instead of using the word "boundaries". Men seem to get offended at that word, as if we are telling them to completely shun their kids or something.
A parent can show their kids that they are loved, without making them the center of the Universe. I know it's hard for kids to see their parent showing commitment and loyalty to someone besides the other parent, but that's the reality of divorce and re-marriage. That's how spouses treat each other.
When my SD was about 15, she said something snarky about how I knew her dad better than she did. I felt bad for her, she didn't ask for her parents to be divorced, therefore, spending less time with her dad but the fact is, I am his wife and yes, I know him better. If I was her mother and we were an intact family, I would still know him better.
Even though her parents were divorced for longer than they had been married, and I had been with him for 10 years at that point, she still wanted me to be the outsider. Your SD, asking that question about his 2 favorite people, wants you to be the outsider... and she wants your DH to confirm that.
Luckily, my DH didn't play that game, so I never had to have the "boundaries" conversation. DH's mother taught him a what a child's place was and he, in turn, taught that to SD.
You only have her one day a week
So you can Disengage for one day. If talking to your SO does not help. There nothing you can do. Just make sure you keep it at one day a week