They still sound very enmeshed with each other, and while it's nice that they can get along, it can be too much, especially when other partners are involved.

Have you put up with this the entire 4 years? I would not stay in a relationship where I felt that I was the mistress.

That was me and my ex for a while when the kids were young.  We went to movies together, dinners, whatever. He was invited to all of our family parties and so was his SO but she would sit in the car...da fuq.

I never knew I was doing anything wrong, now I realize I was 'that BM' haha. She was the reason that he & I broke up if you know what I mean so she was embarrassed to come to our family holidays because everyone knew who SHE was. Her & I became friendly and still keep in touch even after my ex passed away. Her & I & the kids sat together at the funeral. My kids were next of kin because they never got married but they lived together 13 years so my 18 & 20 year old sons were next of kin but they let her be in charge of the funeral, the cremation and she has his ashes.

Just because the exes are friendly doesnt mean something is going on but if she treats you poorly there is no excuse for that. She shouldn't exclude you from nice gestures like Ill give you things for your garden but it's not for her

"Normal" IMO, would be only communication if there is an actual emergency involving the kids. Pictures perhaps if they were getting an award at school, or some super special event or something. Not all the time. Really the only communication that should be going on should be around pick ups or drop offs. 

Obviously your bf doesn't prioritize your feelings or respects you if he's still that enmeshed with his ex.

You have the right to decide what you are ok with. Bioparents will try to get you to accept all kinds of things to keep their convenience, their feeling that they are the "good guy", to keep the peace, to satisfy a need for attention and drama, or out of fear of their ex. Bioparents are enmeshed for many reasons, and it's not a problem for them if they decide to keep it going. 

For me personally, i am divorced with children and i arranged it so i only had to have contact with my ex husband maybe once a week. Exchanges were done at daycare, so we didn't see each other. The only thing that went between houses was a booksack, there were 2 coats, etc. We followed the CO as far as the schedule so there didn't need to be daily communication. Communication was for things like illness, occasional changes to the schedule if one parent had a trip planned either with or without the kids, or a work schedule change. 

There was no chitchat. No hanging out with the ex. Very occasional exchange of pics (like a vacation or something really special.) I fixed my own home and shopped for myself and so did he. I provided all food eaten at my house and so did he. If we were at a ballgame or recital for one of the kids, we would say hello. Make polite smalltalk if we happened to be near each other but didn't go out of the way to sit together. We had exchanges every 2-3 days on an alternating 2, 2, 3 schedule when the kids were young so there wasn't a need for daily facetimes or phone calls. We knew we would see each other again in a few days and i felt that telling them i missed them or i was sad they were gone would give being at their dad's a negative tone. When they got older we did week on week off and the kids had phones so we could contact them directly. 

That is what i consider "appropriate." Is it the only way? No. It may not work for everyone either. It certainly doesn't seem to work for the shitshow that is my SO's "situation." And that is the struggle. What is appropriate to me is not what he had or seems to want. I think his situation is enmeshment and is "wrong". But the reality is, i can't live with it. It's only a problem for me. 

It sounds like what you are comfortable with is keeping communication to what is minimally necessary for care and planning. Tell your SO and maybe some of what i did will work for you guys if he is receptive. An alternative to pick-ups and drop offs at daycare (if you guys don't do daycare) might be to have it at a neutral location on a schedule, so there doesn't have to be a lot of back and forth about who goes where and when. In my SO's situation, that is a big sticking point. The constant back and forth calls about pickups and dropoffs. Your DH has to be willing, though. If you tell him what you can live with and he can't or won't change, you may be in for years of misery. 
 

I have  a great relationship with my ex. We have almost no issues. I do most of my communication through his wife, it is just more comfortable to be able to talk mom to mom. 

Sending pictures- we do occasionally if there is something special happening. My kids were visiting them (we live on different coasts) for 2 week. I got 2 pictures during that time. One of them all dressed up for passover and the other a picture of my daughter on her bike and she just had this look of pure joy.

I send them pictures of special occasions- a good shot during a sports game, a special outing... sometimes there is a month between them, sometimes there will be a few on one weekend. Just depends on what is happening.

As for getting together- all of us- we do birthday parties together when we can but that is about it. We ALWAYS include eachothers spouses and step/half brothers. 

I think our balance is healthy. But that is just me. 

I think comfort levels vary. But his ex insisting that the things she gives him are for him only and not for you sets a very uncomfortable tone. She hasn't moved on, or maybe neither of them has.

Since you are uncomfortable about it, what changes will he make? Any? If he will, be prepared for turmoil (but you'll all live through it). If he's not willing to make changes, then you know that you are at best #3 in this relationship and you will either have to live with it or leave it. Me? I couldn't tolerate it. 

IF You have to ask what is appropriate---dump this guy.

But I will answer your question.

Two mentally stable bio parents can effectivly parent their kids 'on their own time" . No need to texting back and forth, calling back and forth UNLESS there is a medical or educational emergency. Broken down car---sure, give a call. Hey can you drop the kids off...my car died.

No need to exchange school stuff---both parents should have their own pathway to all teachers. Seperate parent teacher meetings too. They do not have to cozy up together.

IF your guy still want to play footsies with his ex "for the chillll-dren"...dump him.

If he is thinking of going to the movies with her...let him, while he is gone pack your stuff and leave.

Oh one more thing...stop paying for stuff. He is using you to pay for bills and activities to help make UP the money he pays in child support. ONLY pay your part of rent and electric and food. DO NOT pick up the fiancial slack...ever.

jmo

"is asking him if he wants stuff for his (our) garden/chickens from her etc ok (but her making it very clear it’s stuff for him not me)"

This, to me, is a huge red flag, and colors the entire situation.  The other things, on their own are not so bad.  This alone would make everything completely unacceptable, in my eyes.