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I'm not okay...

sleepymeg's picture

Bf and I had "the talk" last night. He said if I'm not happy and need to be free I have his blessing. Even though this is what I need it's what I want. It's just so final. My heart is hurting for the things that will never be: vacations, holidays, our future children...a lifetime together that I thought we agreed to and both wanted.

BM wanted SD at our place every weekend again this year and bf made it clear he wasn't going to debate it with her. He said he would ask for weekends free here and there but the thought of doing this for another year is too much for me. I need structure and routine and this is most likely another case of him just telling me what I want to hear.

His suggestion was that I switch my work to start earlier in the day so we could have more time in the evenings together. Because again, it's always easier for me to change my life to accommodate him and BM.

We're not officially broken up yet but it's coming. I'm looking for a place to move to, crying my eyes out and trying to get through the work week. I have therapy at the end of the week and I'm so sorry that she's going to have to see me being an absolute disaster.

I can't help but still love him and this is a major loss for me. But he's made it clear he's very happy with his life and won't fight for me. If this is what's good for me then why does it hurt so much?

Comments

StepUltimate's picture

Similar situ here, sad but done (only in my case HE has to go) and the writing is on the wall. I am sorry you're going thtough this but admire your clarity & determination to not stay on the crazytrain of being the convenient useful step-chump (or triangulated into the "Persecutor").

JRI's picture

I was reading your last post and agree, it's situational depression.  Of course you are sad, who wouldn't be, breakups are so hard.  I just wanted to reach out over the internet and say you're doing the right thing for your welfare.  Your bf doesnt sound like a bad person but its just a mismatch for you. Take things a day at a time and please let us know how you're doing, okay?.  

shellpell's picture

I'm very sorry you're hurt. Just know that you are doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is. You will make it out the other side. Just know that we are rooting for you. 

lieutenant_dad's picture

Most relationships don't end in huge disasters where "losing the love" is easier, or after years and years living as roommates where the love just sort of fizzles out. Most end due to incompatibility, and being incompatible doesn't mean you still don't love one another. Love is the last feeling that tends to leave after separation, and it's a terrible indicator of whether you should stay or not. The feeling of love can lead to both healthy and unhealthy things because it's nothing more than a feeling. It's not an action that is modifiable. It just exists, and it will take a while for it to not exist.

GrudgingSM's picture

Fwiw I think emotional injuries can also be like physical ones and the healing hurts, like physical therapy but for your heart. I commend you for seeing your situation so clearly despite the strength of your love for this guy. I'm so happy you are choosing yourself and getting out of the situation. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

Of course it hurts. He is choosing a child over having a loving mature relationship with an adult. He is caring more about his exs wants than yours. If and when DH ever did that to me I would leave immediately. Yes I would cry my eyes out for months and be sad for the "what could have beens" but I would tell me myself over and over that I will get past it and be happier in the end and so will you. 

shamds's picture

Then bio mum palming off sd at every whim wouldn't happen unless an actual emergency happened. A minor kid might be a parents first responsibility but the relationship with spouse/partner is of utmost priority because how else to kids learn what is acceptable behaviour.

its not healthy to revolve everything around kids.

sleepymeg's picture

He will absolutely not take her to court over fear of losing any access (as if BM could handle that). So BM gets the best of both worlds, feeling needed during the week at bedtime and before school and only having her in the evenings 3 days a week EOW AND being completely free to live her life on the weekends without dad putting up any resistance. If she wants SD for a weekend for some reason, he'll drop her off. That's when we get "date days."

BM truely controls his life.

Hannah32's picture

I really resonate with this, being an every weekend SM when BM has every weekend free, breeds so much resentment. Especially if SM works full time and weekends are the only 'free time' she has. 

sleepymeg's picture

I read your posts and there are a lot of parallels between our situations. 

In my case BM doesn't work atm and is doing online school, so she also gets free time when SD is at school. But I'm a jerk because I want one weekend of quiet time where it's just me and my bf 

Stepmama1234's picture

I'm sure it's hard because you love him. It's ok to love someone and still walk away. Your relationship is young so of course you have this strong feeling for him. If his situation is not for you or he already isn't fulfilling your needs, then I would leave now while it's easier (not easy but it just gets harder the longer time goes on). I would hate for you to waste years of your life and wake up one day knowing you aren't happy and want to leave but you don't or hesitate because it gets harder to separate the longer your lives are intertwined. Good luck! 

Ispofacto's picture

Focus on the bad "things that will never be".  All the tantrums, sabotaged vacations, ruined holidays, crappy "dates", uncleaned messes, wasted meals, false accusations, privacy invasions, thievery, abuse of your future bio kids ....

You're dodging a bullet.  

sleepymeg's picture

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support and encouragement. 

BF has gone into panic mode that I might actually leave and wanted to have a discussion on how to fix things, which in his usual fashion consisted of misremembering the past, putting the blame on me, and accusing me of hating his kid. 

Some of the highlights: 

- My relationship with SD hasn't changed in the last four years
- I'm not willing to meet him halfway, by changing my work schedule for him again
- I'm only happy when his daughter is out of the house
- Having a kid is the best feeling in the world (which I wouldn't know since he doesn't want any more kids and also thinks I would be a bad mother)

I straight up told him I cannot mentally live like this anymore, I gave it a try, I really tried but it's just not for me. And it really sucks because I love him but we're never going to see eye to eye on this. 

missgingersnap2021's picture

To address the four points that you listed: 

1.  Why and how should your relationship with his daughter have changed over the last few years? Was he sitting there thinking you were magically going to fall head over heels in love with his daughter? 

2.  Expecting you to be the only one to make change is selfish and unrealistic.

3. I'm lucky. My DH knows I am happier when his daughter is not in this house. It's never said out loud but it's just an unspoken truth.

4.  This one I would have a hard time getting over. If my DH ever threw in my face about how amazing it is to have kids knowing that I never had any and never will be able to would be so incredibly hurtful I don't think I could forgive him. Seriously there are just some things grown adults should know to never ever say out loud!

I wonder if he's actually thought about this situation. Does he not realize what his personal future will be like having his child every single weekend? He's going to put it all the time and effort and in the end children always love their mothers more. And what kind of mother doesn't want to split time with her child? I know that's not your issue and you can't answer this stuff but yeah this sounds like a bad situation all around and you would be much happier walking away. And I never ever say that to women on this site. Having seven years of every other weekend being with my SD is draining enough. Every weekend? Nope there's no way we would've lasted.  And it's not just that. It's feeling like your entire future will be based on the whims of another woman.

Rumplestiltskin's picture

F this guy and the brat he created through his bad parenting. He's both a shitty parent and partner. 

The_Upgrade's picture

"misremembering the past, putting the blame on me, and accusing me of hating his kid"

sounds like A Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

sleepymeg's picture

I don't get a lot of narcissistic vibes from him.

However, he LOVES to play the victim around everything involving his daughter and EXW.

sleepymeg's picture

Had this thought at work...

When he was texting BM about her sched. he said to me "she wants to keep the schedule the same."

But then the other night after I said that he's letting her call the shots he said it wasn't her, she just asked if they wanted to keep it the same and he said yeah that works.

So which is it? Either he's lying about not trying to appease BM OR he had the opportunity to change the schedule like we talked about, but couldn't be bothered.