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How to Cope

Skyla's picture

Submitted by Skyla on Tue, 09/01/2009 - 3:07am

My husband bends over backwards to help out with his son and daughter with his first wife. Lately, it has gotten to the point where the ex does not take any accountability for her actions or any real responsibility for her kids. Last weekend was supposed to be her weekend, but my husband took his daughter to a church lock-in on Sat. night. Then, he took her back to her Mom's on Sat. around Noon and bought her lunch on the way over there. Then, he got a call within an hour of dropping his daughter off at her Mom's bcs they were in an argument. He proceeded to be on the phone with both of them for several hours that day bcs in the end the Mom wanted to not allow my sd to go to her cheer game as a punishment for the argument they were in. We did not agree with that bcs she has a responsibility to her team and so, my husband overrode the decision, which infuriated the mother and she proceeded to throw a big tantrum and talk badly about my husband to her daughter. In the end my husband had to pick my sd up from her cheer game bcs the mother refused to and he had to drive her back to her Mom's house - again on the weekend they were supposed to be with her. My husband and sd were also both very upset bcs of all of the drama. My husband's brother was in town, but we could not meet up with them for dinner bcs my husband had to go pick up his sd from the game bcs her Mom refused to. Then, my ss ended up coming to our house Sat. night for what he thought would be a few hours while his friend that he was supposed to spend the night with went to a band party. He asked to come to our house bcs his mother recently moved on the other side of town out of their school district and his friends live closer to us. He ended up staying with us for dinner, spending the night and being at our house until around 2 pm on Sunday. My husband called his Mom around 11 am on Sun. morning, but she never answers her phone and so she finally called my ss back around 1pm. Then on top of all of this tonight their Mother had my sd call my husband to say she needed lunch money. My husband keeps track of both of the kids lunch money, school activities, grades, etc. It just happened to be that she was with her Mom at the first of the month when we would normally give her a check to take to school for lunch money. So, rather than her Mom just giving her a few dollars for lunch for tomorrow, she has my sd call my husband and ask him to call the school tomorrow and pay for the lunch money with his credit card over the phone. All because we had already taken the Sept. lunch money out of her child support check, which she got early. So, even though, we did a LOT to help out the kids over the weekend, we get NO credit for that, but instead their Mother cannot even handle giving her daughter a few dollars for lunch on Tues. until she is with us and we can get her a check for lunch money. So, I guess we should go back and charge her for the church lock-in my husband took my sd to on Fri. night, the lunch he bought her on Sat. and all of the meals we provided to my ss on Sat./Sun. I am at my wits end dealing with their mother! She takes no accountability for her actions, never thanks us for anything. I am contemplating calling her about the lunch money situation. Any recommendations on how to deal with this?

Comments

All_Will_Be_Well's picture

Submitted by All_Will_Be_Well on Tue, 09/01/2009 - 3:29am

Hi there,

I think that rather than bringing up the lunch money situation, you should plan a real conversation about the issue rather than the incident. From your story, it seems that you are really not bothered about the few dollars, but are more upset about the fact that BM is not pulling her weight during her scheduled weekend.

However, from your story, it seems like the BD is the one who is coming to the SD's rescue, rather than the mother not taking responsibility. Do you think the weekend would have been better if BD would not have overridden the SD's grounding? In other words, it seems like he's the one actively and willingly helping his daughter - not because the mother doesn't want to do these activities, but because he disagrees with BM's authority over the SD. This in turn infuriates the BM, and she is less likely to cooperate.

Is that the case, or am I misinterpreting your story?

What was the SD and BM's fight over?

Skyla's picture

Submitted by Skyla on Tue, 09/01/2009 - 3:47am

Actually, I am irritated about the lunch money bcs she had the nerve to pass off the lunch money as BD's problem after BD paid for a lot of stuff over the weekend that she was supposed to be caring for them. I was bothered by all of the drama on Sat., but would not have called her about that alone. However, when the whole lunch money thing came up tonight, I just thought why can't she just lend her daughter a few dollars to get through lunch for one day especially considering all that BD does to help out with the kids. Why instead does she tell SD to call BD and make him take care of it? BD takes care of SD bcs most of the time BM won't.

BM and SD were in a fight over SD unpacking boxes and cleaning up her room. Apparently, SD was not listening to BM, so BM "spanked her" (she is 11 by the way) and so SD got upset at BM and threw a water bottle at her. It was not handled well by BM or SD. However, SD is the child in the situation. The problem is BM has never been good about disciplining her children and has never had any real control over them. SD has also learned to throw tantrums and act out of control like her mother when with her. SD does not act like that with us. I am not saying what SD did was right, but again she is the child in the situation. I agree if she would not clean her room that there should be consequences.

BD would have backed up BM on taking away SD's cell phone or grounding her, etc., but not on refusing to take her to her cheer game that would also impact her team at the last minute. However, BM does not really care about commitments. She does not get the skids involved in any school activities - BD is the only one who helps them with this. BM would rather not be bothered by the hassle of taking them to practices and going to games. When I went to my SS's b-ball game several years ago and ran into BM on the way into the game, she told me that she thought the games were boring.