Not considered a Grandma
My OSS29 married and had DH's first grandson. I was so very excited for the couple from the time they announced the pregnancy. Bought a cute card for the mom to be, etc. DH and I visited in the hospital just after the birth and within a few days at their home as well. Then DH's xW the BioGrandMom stays at their house for a month straight. When the coast was clear DH and I finally got to visit a few more times. That's when OSS29 asks me in front of all visitors and family "so, when are YOU going to be a grandmom?" And the new mom says "yea when are YOU going to have a grandchild?" Well excuse me but I felt like... I thought I just did. Obviously I am NOT!
All I can say is that their inferences broke my heart and wounded my spirit so deeply I have not yet recovered. I did not attend the christening and stopped visiting all together. DH says I'm crazy. So much distance has since evolved that their second child was born this past Thanksgiving and I didn't even know they were pregnant again. DH said he thought he told me, he was sure ge told me. Anyway the new grand is a beautiful girl. I did see her twice but will not let myself get attached in any way because I can't go through that again. DH says its all in my head. But what really hurts is my heart. I wanted so much to be a part of their lives.
BTW DH has opened accounts for both grands. I have no problem with that. I'd do the same for mine if I had them. It's his money not mine. We've always kept our monies separate. He visits as often as he can and does ask me to go with but I have only gone one time in the past 18 months. I'll wait for my own.
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Have not spoken to them about
Have not spoken to them about it. Only confided in DH. He doesn't get it. Maybe God will open that door for me but up 'til now I have been too devastated. This has been THE most challenging relationship I've ever encountered dealing with adult Skids. It was definitely BM at work. She is the mastermind. I'm sure of it. However, reading yours and other comments I am able to look at myself a bit closer and will pray for the strength to confront them privately. Thank you!
I would call it challenging,
I would call it challenging, not ugly. I had a separate issue with this couple last summer but nothing to do with the grands. Other SKid issues where I feel they took advantage. It hasn't been easy but I guess if could be worse! Thanks.
That's terrible! Same thing
That's terrible! Same thing happened to me and it breaks my heart!
Thats horrible!!! HUGS!!!!
Thats horrible!!! HUGS!!!!
I wish I understood all these "logics" of Stepdom, but I surely dont and its awfully confusing!!! My oldest SS, SS14, which I had never really had any issues with is not doing things out of pure spite (& perhaps BMs pushing) to hurt me. Whats different about it is- my DH has his eyes wide open this time & is seeing how its hurting me. That makes a world of a difference, truly.
Have you had a real good talk with DH about it? About how deeply it has crushed you? The way they both said it so abruptly makes me question whether BM sunk her claws in & told them its not your grandbaby? Id almost bet money on it!!! But. They are Adults & should know better!!
Im so very sorry this happened to you!! I can clearly see, for me, this is previsely how Ill be treated when the skids are older & it just Stinks!!!!!
I don't know... Sometimes I
I don't know... Sometimes I think I just get hurt too easily. I remember before the grandson was born the mom to be was getting baptized in her church. I was soooooo excited for her and felt very strongly about being a witness. But when I asked her when and where so that I might be able to attend, I was told that since the BM would be there they didn't want any trouble. (She's been said to cause fights at her own wedding.) So I wasn't allowed to attend the baptism. More BioMom at work. Ugh!!!!
You should let it know it
You should let it know it hurt you. My SM does consider my son one of her grandchildren, but she lets my Dad coordinate everything for him. She is so careful to watch her boundaries that I make sure to include her in everything with him.
You need to ask them what their expectations are of your relationship with the kids. If they feel that they have a grandma with the ex, shame on them, but that is something you can't change. All you can change is your reaction to it. If it were me, I would just not be a part of their lives if they didn't want me to be the Grandma.
You are all so thoughtful!
You are all so thoughtful! Thank you for the support and for sharing different perspectives. I really do want to be a part of the sgrands lives and I also realize it is wrong to expect that from skids. I'm more aware of and willing to sort out my feelings after considering all the comments. It has been painful yes, but I'm new at this especially the sgrands. I do want to give the skids a chance to share their perspective when the opportunity arises. And if it turns out negatively then at least I will know what direction to focus my energies. We'll see...