Serenity,

You don't need to share crap with the BM that does not regard the Skids.

We share nothing except international travel plans with my SS's BioDad and since SS has a Passport we don't legally have to share that. If he wants to know something he can ask and even then we may direct him to the source of information rather than answer his questions directly.

We did not tell BioDad that we were marrying. Two weeks after our wedding we went to a court hearing regarding my SS's Custody/Support/Visitation case. That was the first discussion about my Wife marrying that he was involved in from us. He may have heard rumors through the friend network but we never told him.

Interestingly he married a 16yo (he was ~24) about two weeks prior to our wedding so that he could avoid being arrested for statutory rape during the Custody/Support/Visitation hearing. He divorced her three months later.

So, share what you feel like sharing and don't share what you don't want to share with BM as far as your personal life, your marriage, your relationship with her XH, the daily trials and tribulations in your home/family, etc.... Share only the stuff directly regarding the Skids that you judge is necessary. (Illness or Medications is the only thing that comes to mind).

Best regards,

It is none of her business she is not in your dh life anymore tell her to MOVE ON.She is trying to control your life and you and dh do not have to answer to nobody about your relationship!!!!What is it with these women it makes me so angry.

you don't have to tell her squat. Although I am sure she will, like my ex did, claim that BD getting remarried DOES affect the child....I guess I can sorta see that, but too damn bad.

I put my house up for sale and didn't tell my ex either. He came over one day and saw the sign and was all pissed like "where are you going?" I told him I would let him know as soon as it interfered with his visitation...and until then it was none of his damn business!!

He didn't like that...but nothing he could do about it.

I would say no, its not a requirement, but it is something that effects SD. She may have questions and will be asking her mom about it.
In a non dysfunctional blending of families, I would say, yes, BM should be informed as a simple courtesy after you tell SD about the change in status and what that means to you all as a family.

With some of the psycho eX's some people have I can understand many situations where nothing is required.

There are somethings I'd expect my ex to tell me about when it pertains to the kids. Upcoming moves, new siblings coming along, a serious medical condition that would affect him or his wife and how that might play out to my kids, etc. Major stuff.

But if your BM is anything like mine, she feels entitled and is trying to use infomation as as source of control. LIke you, she's had tons to guys over, dated them, etc and never given DH the heads up. "You didn't ask me if I was dating anyone." is her reason for not giving up information that she certainly expected to be handed to her.

BM said that I should have talked to HER first before I talked to SD8 about MY period.

BM wants us to talk about bathing procedures for SD11 and SD8 so we can "co parent more effectively"

There's tons of stuff she wants to know and will send the kids sometimes to pump for info but she isn't entitled to any of it.

Put yourself in her shoes. If its reasonably something she needs to know about, tell her. Otherwise, you have no obligation.

In terms of whatever stunt she might try to mess up the wedding, get a plan together in place ahead. If the MTA supports your FDH having the time, then there isn't much you can do.

Our wedding was that way. We tried to get the girls and she was unreasonable. My DH suggested that there might be times that she would like the girls for a special event and cooperation now might help with cooperation later. That seemed to help since she wants the girls for every little event. We ended up scheduling the event around times when we had legal right to the kids to take away any arguments.

The fit she ended up throwing was about the night before the wedding. To be "traditional" I had my DH spend the night at his friends house so we could do the whole don't see the bride before the wedding thing. So I was at home with all the kids and my family- no DH. BM caught wind of this plan ahead of time and tried to invoke her 1st right of refusal that SHE should have the girls because DH wasn't with them. Made a big huge stinky deal out of it that in the end, made her look like an ass. She so wanted to control any part of that event (and our lives, still 4 years later) that we half expected her to peep her stupid head out of the bushes during our ceremony.

Love your name & picture! Sometimes when I'm ranting about BM, I think about Festivus & airing my grievances! lol...

When my husband & I got engaged, we told the kids, but not BM directly. I'm sure she had a fit over it, but she didn't say anything to us. Then when we got married a few months later (just me, my husband & a Justice of the Peace), we did the same thing. BM made a comment about it to my husband & seemed annoyed that she didn't know about it, but oh well! I can guarantee that if we had told her WHEN we were getting married, she would have pulled something to screw it up.

We're planning on buying a house soon & we're obviously not telling BM. We're keeping it a secret from SD8, too. We figure we'll move in on a week without SD8, pick her up & surprise her. BM will hear about it from SD8. We'll have the same phone number, so that's not an issue. I suppose she should know where the house is just in case of an emergency, but she's not going to be invited to get a tour. If we get the house we're hoping to, she won't even be able to get up the driveway part of the year! (You need 4WD most of the winter & part of the spring.) I'd love to see her lazy ass walk up the driveway!

I don't know what it is with BM's. Ours thinks we need to inform her of EVERYTHING, while she is vague with important info on her end. One summer, I changed jobs. BM could not get a hold of my husband (it was a non-emergency) because he was out of town for work, so she came looking for me (even though "she doesn't have to deal with me"). When she found out that I wasn't working there anymore, she threw a fit. She said she needed to know where we worked, etc. OK, but then a year later BM gets a job (nothing short of a miracle) & doesn't give us the phone number. She told us to "look it up in the phone book". lol. Nice. This past fall, her parents moved nearby & the kids spend a lot of time at their house. Did she tell us where they lived or give us a phone number? Nope. In case of emergency we'd be SOL.

It is a control thing. I definitely agree with that! These women need to get lives & stop trying to destroy ours!

ONLY BECAUSE MY HUSBANDS MOM TELLS HER EVERYTHING ABOUT US UGH I HATE IT!!!

the kids do need to be taken care of, but this is your wedding.

After we planned, organized and faught to get the SD's there for the wedding, we didn't even think of the wedding night. Our family offered to stay at the house and watch all 4 girls so we could go spend the night alone. We declined the offer thinking that is was an important day for our new family to all be together and we didn't want the kids to think that getting married meant us leaving.

What I didn't plan on was my crabby, overtired 2 year old's temper tantrum that left me holding her in her room, for over an hour while she screamed and yelled and I was still in my wedding dress. Looking back, not exactly the night I would have chosen.

I'm sure no matter what you plan it'll be wonderful because it's your wedding. Don't let BM or a really crabby 2 year old do anything to change that

I think I may be in the minority here, but I think telling the Ex that you are re-marrying is a big deal. My DH's ex called him a week after she re-married and told him. We were pissed. Not only had we known nothing about this person (they had only known each other a very short time), but SD's only knew his name, and had seen him once. I thought it was a HUGE deal because my SD's would now be living with some stranger. Who's to say he wasn't a child molester or worse???

As for other personal or small things (i.e. little Tommy is sick), BM has no right to info. But addresses, phone numbers and new spouses are big deals in my book.

in a grown up and mature world. It should not be a problem meeting the person they are going to marry before time and knowing about the wedding. Once the old relationship is over - both individuals have to know and understand that the other will move on. The kids are the only constant - and we as parents have to make the living situations for them easy and attempt to be cordial and get along for the kids sake.

With that being said. I have known my DH for 4 years now. We dated 3 years before we got married. I had interactions with his daugther since i was dating him for about 6 months. His daughter lives out of state (one state away) so I didn't meet the BM until just before we got married. We decided to get married in 2008, I sold my house in June 2008 and decided that BM should be aware of who would be living with SD on weekend visits and who would be there during the summer visits since we were getting married.

We took her to dinner and attending sd's recital and pre-school graduation. Ever since that time it has been holy hell from her. She has gone completely psycho.

-Has taken him to court three times (child support),
-is trying to take his summer visitation away in court again,
-took sd to a counselor stating we are abusing her (counselor saw through it....),
-claims we do not give sd medications, sent wrong prescription information (8 meds to be taken daily) all proven to be a lie when we went to the doctor's office,
-Now claims i am keeping DH from seeing his daughter... he gets her every other week and 6 weeks in the summer. He has not missed a visit. I ride with him to get her.

So in my opinion - it depends on how stable the crazy bitch can be. If BM is going to act out regardless - screw her. You owe her nothing. You owe the kids a fair shake at being treated right while in you and your DH's home.

I think she is jealous...

But the day after the wedding, he called her to let her know, with the explanation that he didn't want her to hear it on the street. (kids live with her and we lived together before the wedding so they all knew me)
He was just being courteous. BM cried and "congratulated" us! What a psycho! She divorced him! (it was really mutual but she wanted to file)
The oddest thing, we went to DH's old church for a moment before the private ceremony and guess who drove up the street? BM with the two SKs. They are never all together in one car (SKs are teens) Talk about freaky. SD came over to the car and asked why we were dressed up. DH pawned her off with something.
We had decided to get married alone with just a JP and witnesses. NO FAMILY on either side. Just for us.
It was awesome.

Important info like phone numbers, addresses, illnesses or injuries that the kids aquire is the only info your FH needs to give BM. If she has not met you already, then now would be a good time for introductions just so she can see who her child will be around. But that's it.

She does not need to know your wedding date or any details associated with your wedding (unless you actually WANT to invite her but somehow I doubt that). All she "needs" to know is that at some point, you and FH will be legally wed. The life you live with husband-to-be are details that have nothing to do with her. It's your life; not her's.

I hate how these women think they're entitled to know everything about their ex's life yet they think they don't need to share details about themselves. I have a theory as to why that is.

They see their ex move on. Whether that be by means of a new job, advancement in their education or (what infuriates them most) a new partner who they love. Instead of moving on with their lives, they stay focused on the fact that their ex is happier without them. Well, you know what? You got divorced because the two of you were NOT HAPPY TOGETHER and decided that you would be happier WITHOUT each other! Instead of giving your ex grief, move on with your life. The whole point of being divorced is to seek happiness away apart from your ex.

When my ex left me, I was very hurt and angry. But once he was gone, I understood that I had to move on for my sake and for my son's sake. Being angry and bitter was not going to bring him back nor was it going to make me happy. I got a job, continued on in school so I could get my degree as quickly as possible, and I dated several people before meeting my BF. I guess that's why I get so frustrated with women like this. I feel that if I can move on with my life, why can't you? I am a young mom and I still finished school and found a way to be happy. If I can do it, then anyone can

I didn't mean for that post to be so long

Is it better to ask permission or forgiveness? If you tell her in advance she will do whatever she can to destroy it. Tell her shortly after it happens and before the kds do.

We did not tell BM we got married either. It was just FH, me and a judge. She found out by looking at his wedding ring.She TOTALLY FREAKED OUT and decided to wake the kids sd5, ss4 up, and explain it to them while she was bawling in the middle of the night. Wow...Now the SD5 tells me that I should give daddy back so Mommy stops crying. Why are all the BM'S totally nuts? So my question is, I am 5months pregnant, should we tell her? Or just tell the kids and let them tell her, which is what I am leaning towards.I feel like we don't have to because it has nothing to do with her, but she is so crazy, I have no idea what her reaction would be.

Thanks for your help with the matter, Rags!