I am just so sick of being miserable and depressed all the time. I am constantly being let down or made to feel like an outsider. I have begun to resent weekends. I actually prefer being at work to being at home. This house, my OH, his kids. It all angers or upsets me. Nothing good ever happens here.

BM has been a total fuck up lately and it seems like I am the only person who sees it. At the beginning of the month she "forgot" to be at home on time for us to drop the kids off (5pm, the same time it has ALWAYS been) so we had to keep them another night. Thanksgiving weekend she went out of town so she had GBM pick them up and take them for the holiday, as she was not partaking. This weekend she was out of town again and had GBM pick them up. Her friend dropped them off too, because she was "busy". She asked OH if he could take them on Halloween so she could go to a party downtown. AKA a bar... the woman is a 30yr old mother of 2 for Christ's sake... Yet if I point any of this out to OH I am being 'childish' and 'poking jabs' at her. Uh no, I'm just presenting the evidence. I highly believe she is back on drugs (this is how she acted before she "got clean" either of the two times before) but OH refuses to see it. He thinks she's doing much better (?) I don't get it. And it just frustrates and upsets me that he's so willing to defend her, even if it means bashing me!

And then there's the times when the SKids are actually here. I have stopped trying to parent them all together, and OH does not parent, so they totally trash my house, are loud and obnoxious, eat nothing but junk, watch inappropriate movies and play inappropriate games like GRAND THEFT AUTO... when they are only 10. OH doesn't care. If I try and involve myself in the things we're doing, I am essentially ostracized from the conversations, told my input is stupid, or MADE FUN OF... OH and the Skids will seriously just make fun of me. (ie: They're talking about Walking Dead, I say season 3 just started. I was wrong, it's actually season 4, so I get: "HAHAH SEASON 3? YOU'RE A YEAR BEHIND! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? HA DID YOU HEAR WHAT SHE SAID?" etc etc) It's so disrespectful. SS4 doesn't even know my name 90% of the time. Seriously. After he lived with us for a year and comes to our house EVERY WEEKEND, he never gets my name right the first time.

My relationship with OH is definitely suffering because of this. I have started to withdraw from him because all I can think about is the shit that goes down on the weekend. When I look at him I see a coward who refuses to stand up to BM, or is secretly in love with her, and is too scared to discipline his children for fear of them disliking him. He's lazy. I do everything and the bastard can't even defend me against his children, completely ignores me when they're around, and doesn't give a fuck that this entire situation has me so upset and stressed out. I really just don't know how much more of this I can take.

A large part of me really wants to leave, but I have no where to go. I keep thinking back to when we first moved in together, about 2 weeks into it we got in a huge fight and I had all my shit packed up and was about to leave when he cried and begged me to stay. I wish I would have just left then, it would have been so much easier at that time. Now I have a job, ties to the community, our house. Ugh. I just want to cry all the time. I can't think of any other time where I have felt so lonely or hopeless in my entire life. I am miserable.