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Help! I’ll take any advice

Sag_Mama's picture

Submitted by Sag_Mama on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 7:20am

My BF and I have been together 5 yrs. He has a BD11 and she has recently been staying with us for 2 months. Her mother dropped her off and hasn't been back. Her BM lives 2 mins from us but they don't communicate. She wants to live with us full time but I just believe it's because she doesn't have to do anything. We have 2 daughters together(4& 6mo). My boyfriend lets SD11 do whatever she wants. She doesn't take baths, brush her teeth, clean up behind her self, go outside or eat. She spends 18 out of 24 hours on the laptop watching anime and p0rn. She listens to us have sex. I have expressed my concerns but he said that he would "rather her watch it then do it" WTF! I don't agree with that at all. I also don't like the fact that he disciplines our DD4 and never says anything to SD11. He plans a whole day for DD11 and never has done it for DD4. He spent 11 hours yesterday cuddled with her watching anime and not once talking to me or our other daughters. He does this about 3x a week.  I suggested counseling so DD11 can talk about her relationship with her BM. He simply said "she wouldn't like that". It doesn't matter what she doesn't like it's about what would be beneficial to her in the long run. I'm at my wits end. I get annoyed at the fact that she's even there. I can't hold a conversation with my BF without interruption. When we're out in public, they hold hands and walk hugged up while I have the other girls. Creating fun activities for my 2 other daughters has been keeping me sane. I invite her to do things with us but DD11 doesn't like anything on the face of the earth besides anime. SD11 told me "I don't like people".  He doesn't kiss or hug me in front of her either. Any solutions or ways to just make living with her easier?

Comments

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 7:34am

The majority of your issue isn't the child, it's the adult. If she moves in with you permanently will there be different expectations? Will she be going to school? You and Dad need to sit down and discuss this and if he refuses, there's your answer. 

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 7:50am

Sounds like SD11 has trauma and has possibly been sexually abused? Is your BF addressing this behavior other than just "it's better than her having sex?" She needs to be in therapy ASAP. Yes, your BF has a responsibilty to his daughter. But he also has a responsibility to keep his other children safe! If your BF can't do that, I would be out ASAP. That's a dealbreaker. 

Sag_Mama's picture

Submitted by Sag_Mama on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 9:19am

I said the same exact thing!!! I have asked SD11 thousands of times has anyone touched her in an inappropriate way but she says no. I was a victim of sexual abuse at 7 yrs old so I know the signs. He just doesn't listen to me. I'm gonna keep suggesting therapy.

Dogmom1321's picture

Submitted by Dogmom1321 on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 5:36pm

You NEVER know what children of abuse have been told. When you asked if it was "inappropriate" she might have said no because,...: Her abuser said it was okay or "normal", told her not to tell anyone, maybe she's trying to protect the abuser and not "get him in trouble"... or all of the above! Bottom line: it's not your job to ask or investigate for SD. That should be for CPS to handle. I would be calling them on your way out the door for her sake. And also to protect YOUR kids! Do you realize that all of this is putting your custody with your kids in jeporady too???

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 8:33am

Would your husband get therapy or go with you to couples therapy? He seems to have an unhealthy relationship with his daughter.

He needs to learn how to be a parent and what boundaries a child needs. Maybe a therapist could help him see that his daughters desires do not always have to be met and that putting his daughter in that position is not healthy or helpful for her.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 9:15am

Your DH has a HUGE HUGE problem. Saying its ok for her to watch porn, instead of her doing it??!!! She listens to y'all having sex...he is ok with that!??? He cannot be affectionate to you around her, yet they walk around like a couple in love? RED BRIGHT RED FLAGS hun.

I would do everything in my power to keep my lil ones safe. 

When it feels off, it is. Follow your gut lady, PLEASE.

 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 9:40am

Yeah. Cool with her watching porn? PORN?! That plus all the other behaviors, really sounds alarming. Put aside the turnoff and unpleasantness of playing lesser "sister wife" to an 11-year-old in your own home. I would worry for any children in that home. Protect your babies as well as SD. At minimum, insist on counseling for SD to see of they can get to the root of what's going on. Honestly, though, how can you even sleep with that guy? Barf. Or does he sleep with SD?

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 10:00am

You'll take any advice?

Find a lawyer, draw up a CO and CS payment plan, and serve him with that and eviction papers. He's already not being an active father to your two kids, so you know how to do the single parent thing. Your BF and SD just make it harder.

Esperanza's picture

Submitted by Esperanza on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 11:18am

An 11 yo watching porn!? Dad not even addressing it? That for me right there is a huge red flag. 
He is also a crappy parent, not giving her any education or boundaries, allowing her to watch that amount of telly !! That's horrible. On top of that there's something definitely not right about their relationship, is just off. Something else is going on there !
I would be extremely upset and angry if my DH was ignoring the rest of our children just to pay all his attention to one ??? Really ?! Who does that ?

you need to have a real conversation with him ASAP! set your boundaries and appropriate behaviour. If he is not willing to listen to you and make changes...you will have to reconsider this relationship. Protect your little ones 

good luck !

Felicity0224's picture

Submitted by Felicity0224 on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 11:52am

Exposing children to porn is a grooming technique. No adult in their right mind would think that this was okay. Just, no. I would take my kids out of that situation so fast his head would spin. It's only a matter of time before SD acts out towards one of your children. Or worse, he begins to groom them too. You need to get out now.

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 12:03pm

this bothered my thoughts so much I've come back to it. I am concerned w/ Dad thinking it's okay to allow an 11 yr old to watch porn. I'm not up on laws, etc. but please make sure than her dad allowed actions won't be putting your family at risk for child welfare reports, etc. 

 

bananaseedo's picture

Submitted by bananaseedo on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 12:12pm

I have a feeling this girl is being groomed and/or sexually abused by her father.  Actually, I have no doubt in my mind.  Hence his hesitation of not wanting the girl to go to therapy.  I would leave this situations FAST before her 4yr old is next.  This is neglicence/gross to an extreme degree at the minimum.  As you asked for advice, leave this situation and report all this information to CPS immediately or on your way out so you can stay safe.  You have to document it all in case you need to set up supervised visitations only.  

Stepdrama2020's picture

Submitted by Stepdrama2020 on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 12:16pm

I totally agree. Heck I am sure everyone on here does. You said this brilliantly lady.

Carriem's picture

Submitted by Carriem on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 2:53pm

To me, this isn't a gray area. It's clear that this behaviour cannot continue and that you need to leave. Aside from everything else, the fact he won't help his daughter, for whatever reason,  is just inexcusable. Who can she trust and rely upon? 

Id get yourself and your little ones out of this sh!tshow, you'll need to document everything even get evidence because your not going to want this guy having visitation on his own with your children. 

CLove's picture

Submitted by CLove on Thu, 07/15/2021 - 3:16pm

Well, it doesnt surprise me reading after "he lets her watch porn and she listens to us having sex" that he cuddles her (and not you) when shes there, they act like husband and wife, you walk behind with them. He plans everything for HER, not you and the children you have. She is his priority.

It all is gross. Your BF is the problem. But since you love him and have children together, you are having a tough time putting all the blame where it should be. HIM HIM HIM.

Sorry, I know youve invested time and emotion and have 2 children together.

Hes abusing her. Leave. Protect your kiddos. Serve him with custody orders and get child support started.

Thats my advice.

Olivia2020's picture

Submitted by Olivia2020 on Fri, 07/16/2021 - 12:23am

with getting her aroused with encouraging porn and allowing her to hear you two have sex. Where are the boundaries? There are none! 

I divorced a jerk that has likely groomed his 'baby girl' since she was about 12....she was 23 when I accidentally married him and then to witness their displays of VERY close intimate interactions. She had the body of a 10 yr old boy, with small boobs, and VERY erect nipples she proudly displayed around the house when daddddeee was home. So her consensual sex with her dadddeeeee was the BOND that they had that made me sick. I only hoped it didn't go past the emotional incest/bond I suspected when he and I dated 3 hours apart. But the physical interactions I witnessed had me running the other way...nope, no way! I left 43 days later and never looked back. Sick f*cks. 

Your DH won't change his ways, he's getting satisfaction from these intimate interactions with his daughter. He'll scream at you that you're trying to tear his daughter away from him or that you're coming between them. 

Good luck, I hope you can find peace!

justmakingthebest's picture

Submitted by justmakingthebest on Fri, 07/16/2021 - 6:05am

I think in your shoes this is what I would do

1- Leave. Take my kids and move out.

2- Call CPS and report everything you saw and your fears. Tell them that you left with your kids to protect them.

3- File for custody and CS. 

PS- All of this can be done in the same day. Today sounds like a really great day to do this! Call your mom or dad or best friend. I am sure someone will let you and your kids stay there for a few weeks so you can get your feet under you and your own place. 

superlado's picture

Submitted by superlado on Mon, 07/19/2021 - 8:29pm

This is disgusting.  I'm so sorry.  None of this is normal.  He's grooming his own child.  
Emergency custody ASAP 

CPS call in 

wow