Advice please
So, I truly want to support DH in his relationship with SS30. And I would love it if SS30 and I got back to the relationship we used to have. SS30 is unaware of a lot of the crap their family threw at me, and in the early days, he threw his fair share as well. SS30 doesn't know that DH has cut off contact with most of the family and there's no way he'll hear it from them. We already know that MIL has told people that she and DH and "fine". So much of this situation has been made worse by DH's inability to address things directly with his family and allowing others control the narrative. And I think that the only genuine way to move forward with SS30 is for him to have all the facts. Am I being selfish?
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I would take it one day at a
I would take it one day at a time and let the relevant information come out when necessary. If you try to give him all the facts it's going to feel like some kind of a campaign to him and he'll wonder what he's gotten himself into.
Good point about it looking
Good point about it looking like campaigning. I don't actuallt want DH to give SS specifics, just to let him know that he's distanced himself from the family.
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Good luck!
I agree about the potential
I agree about the potential resentment from DH. I can let it all go, as long as I can keep ties cut and keep the toxicity out. As long as SS believes that our absence from family events is DH supporting me, vs DH being at odds with them himself, there's going to be pressure to attend more wedding events. DH's SO is a princess and she's going to want every kind of wedding-related celebration possible.
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Nope, not selfish at all.
Kids need the facts. If the quality side of the blended family equation won't give them the facts, all they get is the pollution from the shit end of their gene pool and those people have far more influence over them than the quality side has. As difficult as it is, the quality side has to do the hard thing and raise the kid with the facts if the kid is going to have any chance of being a quality adult.
It is not an optimal situtaion by any means. Even with the facts there is notable negative impact on a kid who is negatively impacted by people they are supposed to love and that are supposed to love them. My SS-31 still has some SpermClan baggage that bothers him> However, he is a viable adult, a man of character and honor, successful in his career and a man of standing in his community. His three younger Spermidiot spawned half sibs did not have the benefit of an incredible mother. Spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and $4 is not far behind the inmate.
This all bothers SS and he cannot forgive the SpermClan adults for what they have done to his younger sibs.
His real life/family, is close, supportive, and of quality. Fortunately, that side of his world is the primary influence in his life.
All IMHO of course.
Your SS is lucky to have you.
Your SS is lucky to have you.
Your DH is an adult and these are his family members, he can
Your DH is an adult and these are his family members, he can handle this on his own. You already tried explaining things and it totally blew up on you. My advice is to take a huge step back from all of them and let your DH deal with this. I know your heart is in the right place, but as long as you keep trying to fix things with his family, you are going to end up being the "bad guy" and being hurt.
As others said, let your DH
As others said, let your DH handle it. I'm an advocate for not wasting time with explanations to those who are predisposed to disbelieve you.
Never explain yourself to anyone.
Because the person who likes you doesn’t need it.
And the person who dislikes you won’t believe it.
You can't be the only one in
You can't be the only one in your marriage managing relationships with your DH's family. If HE wants a better relationship with his son, then HE has to do the hard work to make that happen. If he wants YOU to have a better relationship with his son, then HE has to do the hard work to make you comfortable with his family.
He may hate confrontation, but he has allowed you to be the devil in his family to save himself having to grow a spine and tell them how it actually is. Cutting everyone off should have been after HE told everyone how it was going to be, NOT you doing it to save yourself the emotional trauma.
Anything that resembles healing going forward has to be led by your DH. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself. You've cut yourself off. If he wants to expose himself to the toxic by going to events alone, or if he is okay with his relationships being fractured, that's fine. That's a him decision.
You don't need to be the martyr and savior here, though. You don't have to try and throw yourself into the fire because you know DH is sad and wants something different/better. He has all the facts, too. He can tell his son the truth. Your job is to protect yourself, not take another bullet to protect DH from a situation that he himself has helped make worse by not handling his family and leaving it to you to make the decisions.
Thank you. That makes so much
Thank you. That makes so much sense. And the fact that I'm not thinking about this in that way shows me how all of the toxicity has impaired by thinking. When my children were young and they didn't want to wear a hat or mitts, for instance, I would explain why they should and then let them decide and experience the consequences. I could let a 4 year make their own decisions, but not my DH. I've been puppetinf DH in this situation because the consequence is our marriage ending. But if DH hasn't made his own decisions, the end reault will be "my fault" versus a natural consequence of his own behaviour.
Agree With The Majority
Stay out of it. Even if you are 100% right, this WILL backfire on you. And really, for the most part, it's going to fall on deaf ears. So, you may get your TEMPORARY satisfaction of getting your side of the story out but it's only temporary and loyalty binds WILL put you right back in the "bad" spot. Ask me how I know. Twelve years of trying to "validate" myself in the step world. Conversations, meetings, emails, letters, etc. All "smoke blowing" with no change...only more conflcit. I'm so over that lifestyle.
Today, I could care less who knows MY story. I know it and that's all that matters. My focus is on my marriage. I do not even discuss SK stuff anymore. They are DHs problem and if he prefer conflict avoidance to telling his son the truth, then so be it. As long as he keeps them out of my life, I'm good.
So, two choices. Go the the party and enjoy your time with SS. Or, stay away and maybe invite SS and his SO out for lunch/dinner, cook for them, etc. Begin building your relationship with them outside the drama. But I'd never go into details about the breach in the family. THAT is your DHs job.
How did your DH feel about
How did your DH feel about disconnecting from his kids? How the shift from "blended family" to DH handling his kids on his own impact your relationship witjh your DH?
Could you explain in what way
Could you explain in what way(s) your husband is "handling" his kids, please? They were already adults when you met them, I'm not sure why disengaging would be a problem. Is it possible that your stepkids see you more as "dad's wife" rather than a maternal figure? If so,why would that be a problem? Supporting him is one thing, mothering his adult children is quite another. How do you see your role?
Just seeking a bit of clarification...
When I met them, they were 18
When I met them, they were 18 (SS) and 20 (SD). My kids were 10 (DS) and 12 (DD). By the time we got married, 7 years later, we were a successfully bonded family. My SD lived with us for 4 of those years and my SS spent a lot of time with us. My SKids treated my like a second mother. When my SD got married, her BM insisted I be in the picture of the newlyweds with their mothers. My kids considered them to be their siblings (the impact this mess had had my bio kids could be a while other blog) and I loved them (as much as I think is possible). I still love them, as much as I wish I didn't. They turned on me just over a year ago, when I had a disagreement with SD's new husband. Now they definitely consider me their "dad's wife". At one point, my SS referrred to me as his father's "new wife" (11 years into our relationship).
Counseling and Good Communication
We've come to accept the situation for what it is.
His kids do not want or need any "mothering" from me. I have no connection with them and the ONLY reason they are in my life is because of DH. I would never be friends with these people. Our interacting is too toxic so DH and I have chose peace over the conflict.
He's their father and his relationship with his kids is HIS, not mine. Our marriage is ours, not his kids. Two separate worlds. I'm good with that. They are strangers to me.
Im glad we made it to this point in our marriage. Truth be told, DHs kids would never be a positive part of our lives, even if there were no strife. They are users, plain and simple. We have never been able to count on them for anything. And I'm okay with that.
Just e mail
SS. Like every or ever other weekend. With yout updates. Asking him about his family. Remembering birthdays of GK ect, invite them over for the weekend.
NO.. do not fill him in. All
NO.. do not fill him in. All it will do is stir up drama.. if he has questions.. he can ask his dad.. period. not going to work out well for you to get involved in the discussion.