Is your SD with you full time?

I met my DW when SS-31 was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  I'm dad. He has always known the Spermidiot.  But I am the only real dad he has ever had.  He was pretty much just a fuck trophy for the Spermidiot.  A way for him to mark what he thought was his territory.  The territory that booted his ass before SS turned a year old.

SS launched at 18 when he joined the USAF.  Over the course of his career he and his colleagues of course have shared their family stories.  In those stories, I am dad.  The Spermidiot is ... Gangster Dad.  This is due to the Spermidiots dream of being a gangbanger.  Something he has never accomplished.  He claims to be black yet looks like a Howdy Doody Opie Cunningham white guy.  He tells people that his mother, the SpermGrandHag is black. She looks like Aunt B and there isn't anything black about any of the GP or Spermidiot generations in the SpermClan. Or in the GGPs generation for that matter.  The aspirations of being a Crip or a Blood were met with laughter and rejection by those organizations.  They just don't accept anyone who looks like a white guy puppet show reject.

SS has shared a number of stories about me, his mom, and the Spermidiot with his colleagues over his 13+ years, and counting, service in the USAF.  

On one of his visits home he was sharing some stories. One had to do with talking about me and the Spermidiot. He said something about some stupid crap that "My Dad did."  One his colleages got a perpelexed look on his face and corrected SS. "That had to be Gangster Dad. Your Dad would never do anything that stupid."  SS laughed about it when he told us the story.  

SS asked me to adopt him when he was 22.  We made that happen. He wore or family name on his uniform from that day.  That discussion unfolde with him telling me he wanted to change his name. I asked him what he wanted to change it to.  He answered he wanted our family name.  I told him to get the paperwork, fill it out, and that it would not be a big deal. He gave me a look and told me no, and that he wanted a full meal deal adoption.  We called out pit bull attorney and 4 days later the Judge signed the adoption order.  

We had discussed adoption a couple of times as he was growing up. He told me then that I am his dad and changing his name would not make me any more his dad. He did not want to hurt anyone's feelings at that time.

I am blessed to not have had to ever experience what you describe.  If anyone from the SpermClan had ever showed up at a SS event, it would have been such a shocker that I have no idea how it would have unfolded.  Never once did they ever particpate in any event in SS's life.  Not once. Not even a telephone call just to talk with him.  DW would offer for them to speak to SS when they would call to rant about something, beg to stop CS, or to ask DW to make visitation travel arrangements. 

I'm sorry you have had to live this shitstorm and that BM did not just stay away.

get in with the first punch ...

"Oh hello! So glad to see you after all this time! Goodness, I DO hope SD will still recognise you!"

I think we have to try to see our "efforts" with the skids to do things for them.. as if they are a loan to our spouses/partners... that when you loan to friends and family.. you never loan more than you can afford to never get back.

It sucks that she swoops in and gets kudos.. if any of those other parents paid attention.. surely they would have seen you at all those events and pickups.. 

In the end.. what you are doing is hoisting your spouses end of the parental rope.. (a rope that the mother has left dangling apparently)  I hope he shows you in 1000 and one ways how much he appreciates your help raising his children.

Her biological mom had her at 15 and didn't even know if she was a boy or girl when she was handed over .  So she was raised by her adopted mom and dad and adopted mom was a severe alcoholic.  They divorced and he remarried.  My coworker and her stepmom are close.  Super close.  My coworker is in her 40's.  I think her adoptive mom died a good decade or more.  She did find her biological mom cause of 23 and me but she calls her stepmom her mom.  She knows and recognizes all she did for her and who raised her.  It's so nice to see them on fb at their weekly lunch dates and their trips and all the tagged posts.  You wouldn't even know it was her stepmom.  I think some kids do know and recognize all the love poured into them by stepmoms.

My own DD16 loves her stepmom.  Her stepmom has no biological kids.  They did a day before mother's day outing just the two of them and actual on MOther's Day DD16 did a big Instagram post for her stepmom and didn't do one for me.  And I'm perfectly ok with that.  I wouldn't dare not admit and be grateful for the love she gives my kids. 

No matter what they do or don't do.  No matter what you do as a SP,  the bio parent will come first.  You must understand that. This is only middle school.  There's high school , college, marriage, GK.  Just to name a few things where bio mom has a hard time finding the place but gets all the recognition.   THATS why SK are no substitute for bio kids.  If you want something to mother get a dog.  Dogs are loyal to you. 

And thats minimizing things.

This will continue, and get worse as Sd gets older and more self-sufficient, BM will be her BFF, and you will be the "mean ole stepmonster with rules".

Thats what happened with me. I USED to do all kinds of things for SDalmost18 PowerSulk.

Took her to her school, did pickups.

Spent spring breaks and holidays with her during husbands fishing trips when it was HIS visitations. 

Cooked meals for her.

Took her shopping, to the salon.

Was her shoulder to cry on when things were bad with her sister, mother and even father.

She wasnt/isnt full time, its 50/50 but I did a lot, as you would see from my Blogs. As she got older she was mommies little mini me, super enmeshed to the point where there were times that it sounded like Power Sulk was the mother and Toxic Troll was the child...but who knows its perspective.

I can relate to your feelings. Here youve been the mother in actions, but the second her womb walks in, all bets are off. It truly does suck. Occasionally, VERY occasionally, Powersulk will say something sounding close to appreciation for things I have brought into her life that bring her joy when she takes her friends on outtings I used to organise for us. Strawberry picking, trips down the coast...

Like ESMOD wrote, its a loan. Dont give more than you can afford to lose.

I am dad. Not the SpermDonor, but I am dad. I always have been.  His mom and I met when he was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo.  My DW was the CP. Visitation was only 7wks a year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring).  So his REAL family has been set since before his first memories.

Long distance visitation with a clear custody ruling makes all of the difference in outcome for SParents, Skids, and blended marriages.

IMHO and experience of course.