My stepdaughter is 7 almost 8, and since the beginning I’ve realized that she is a people pleaser to please her mom. Biomom is a nightmare. She is the epitome of toxic and narcissistic. Wretched is the word that comes to mind. At the beginning of my relationship with SO she would scream obscenities at me from her car during pick up and drop off of my stepdaughter. The first nine months of our relationship were that way until finally I guess she realized the only way I would communicate or engage with her is if there was some civility.
 

It was clear from the beginning that she loves her daughter very much, but she absolutely does not want her to love anyone else and it also became very clear she has an obsession with my SO to the point that over three years in she’s still trying to manipulate her way in.
 

I never really thought that any of this would be this hard even in the midst of major anxiety during pick ups and drop offs and fear of her actually achieving her wish I still just never realized it would be this tough.

She flip-flops between gushing over my SO and bad mouthing him to me. I put the block on that pretty quickly and let her know that bad mouthing him was a boundary I would not allow her to break. She tried to befriend me only to bad mouth him. It's easy to see through. 
 

These last few months she is on a kick where she pretends I don’t exist and is now being kind and loving to SO. She sends him messages "this song always reminds me of you". He doesn't reply.  It just makes me sick and dread any time there is interaction with her.
 

Anytime my stepdaughter is with us and talks about her mom I’m always pleasant and respond in a kind way. When her hair is braided. I say what a great job Mom did. I always ask about her day,  her cousins and am always pleasant never negative about her mom to her. I cannot say the same is true for how her mom speaks of me.
 

She bragged when we first met how she was able to runoff any girl that my SO ever dated and I can see how because she tries every damn trick in the book. Her desperation is palpable. I do believe the stubbornness that I have and maybe even a level of spite has helped me push through  

I’ve already surpassed any length of time that they were together ...together without breaking up that is because they dated on and off and on and off for 12 years. I’ve wondered if I have to get beyond the 12 year point for her to finally realize I’m not leaving, but I also don’t know that she’ll ever stop or ever give up. 
 

Most recently my stepdaughter decided she wanted to play soccer and she is naturally athletic. Bio mom sends my SO a text saying "they need coaches, would you like to coach" and I am all for it. He’s great with kids. He’ll do a wonderful job and it will be a good bonding for him and SD but I know her real true motivation is to spend more time with my SO. What she doesn’t realize is that he asked me to help him so I’m at every practice and every game. She even sent him a message asking if he needed an assistant coach and how much SD would love it. Again her desperation is palpable. Thankfully my SO is smart enough to stear clear of that!
 

She’s on this "I love him. He’s my hero" type of phase right now and just stares at him with googly eyes and is sending him messages telling him how hard it is for her to see him, raise their daughter with another woman and believe me I do understand how that would be difficult for anyone, I do, but this woman’s motivation is not to confide in him about how hard it is. It is to try and make him feel shameful for not building a life with her and SD and regret for never marrying her.
 

The people pleasing she’s created in my SD is what really breaks my heart. I remember braiding her hair one day and the next time she came over, the hairband that I had used was stretched out completely like the size of somebody’s leg...completely unusable. Then when I did her hair the next time she didn’t want me to use my hair bands. I said "does your mom get mad if you’ve got my hairbands in?" and she said "yeah" very quietly so I bought her her own hairbands and said "make sure your mom knows these are brand new and they are yours"

That is one tiny example of trying to keep Mom happy and not upset..that she’s instilled in her child. Another one is if we are waiting in the car where we meet for pick up and drop off, SD will sit in my lap and hang out, but the second that she sees her mom‘s car pull in she will hop out of my lap. She won’t hug me in front of her mom. She won’t say I love you.  
 

All of this I’m ok with accepting because I don’t ever wanna make her feel bad or be "that" influence. I just hate that her mom has made her this way for her own narcissistic, selfish feelings about me.
 

The most recent was at their first soccer game. It truly did break me. Usually, my SD will at least talk to me and even if she’s not like running up and hugging me in front of her mom like she does when her mom‘s not around she still will talk to me but at this game she completely ignored me. I mean I said "have a good game sweet girl". "Good morning beautiful" but she full on ignored me as if I did not exist and wasn’t there.  
When we were leaving my DH and I are walking to his truck...her mom and her are getting into their car. She’s head out the window screaming "I love you Dad" smiling real big as bio. Mom stands there, smiling too and laughing with her and I walked by to get in our car and say "good game sweet girl, you played great one of the best out there" and again she completely ignored me. I swear her mom rolled her eyes at me.
 

It hit harder that day. For whatever reason, It’s never been that harsh before, it’s never been that blatant and I broke down in the car on the way home. Of ourse my SO is like "you know this is not you, it's just because her mom makes her feel like she has to. You don’t need to let it get to you" but it did. It broke me. It was tough. It bothered me all weekend and even now writing this. It makes me tear up.  
 

Here’s what I know,  this woman will never stop. She is a toxic narcissist and she’s not going to change and there’s nothing I can do about that.  I have known from day one that my only option is to be the positive example in my stepdaughter‘s life. The other thing I know is that my SO is not buying what she’s selling.., he doesn’t feed into her junk. I think he is happy that she’s actually being kind and not a total jerk to him constantly so he’ll take the kindness and be polite and fairly friendly back but he’s not buying what she’s selling.
Finally, I know that little girl regardless of how she acts in front of her mother loves me. When it’s us just us or just me her and her father, we have a ball and she says she loves me and she hugs me and she is very affectionate.  
 

What was it that broke me Saturday?  What got to me so bad and why. I realize it was so blatant and I was full on ignored and that’s tough for anyone that’s just facts, but there were also other parents for the soccer team that were there. They know that I am coaches other half and here’s this beautiful little girl that I cannot claim as my own, but that I love dearly that is ignoring me in front of all of them.  That’s my ego talking...fear of what they may think.  
I just have to remind myself. You are not the person that cares what other people think it does not matter and let it go  and continue to remind myself of the things i know to be true. 
 

Does it ever get easier?! Reading everyone's blogs, I'd lean toward that answer is a "No!" I take solace in this woman's failure to achieve her goals of making her child hate me and her baby daddy come back to her. I take solace in the love I do get from this beautiful little girl for as long as universe allows. I give myself some grace and accept that my feelings are likely to be hurt again. I grasp and understand that all of it, every single bit is out of my control.