DW spent the day with her eldest niece on Friday. UPDATE.
This is the one that according to my BIL1 and his wife moved out at 18 due to refusal to follow the household rules. There are three other younger girls in their home. Their 11yo and their two 10yo twins.
Eldest niece (18) is living with her 19yo BF and his "family". From the descrption of this situation it is not a family home, it is a flop house for transient residents. Residents include BF, one or more of his parents, cousins, friends, distant relatives, many with drug and other criminal issues.
New information.
During their day together eldest neice shared..... Niece apparently mapped the dead zones around BIL1's house that are not covered by security cameras. Due to the behaioral and child trauma issues of their adopted twins, CPS recommended that they have the security system. Eldest niece was sneaking in and out through the dead spots. When they adopted the twins they converted their 2 car garrage into a 4th bedroom for eldest niece for her Jr. and Sr. year of HS and beyond. I have seen it, it is very nice.
DW tried to make the point that the sneaking, dead zone mapping, etc... made it obvious that N-18 was doing something even she knew was wrong. Nope, niece argued that and said she did nothing wrong. She is 18 and can do what she wants.
Apparently, after growing tensions ,eldest niece came home one evening and the family was watching a movie. When she walked in, she said nothing and no one said anything to her. She put her truck key on the table and went to her room. For weeks she had been removing her stuff from her room via the security system blind spots in preparation for her departure.
15 minutes after going to her room... she was gone. Within about another 15mins BIL and his wife discovered she was gone. In short order they were at the BFs house. There was pounding on the door, screaming, yelling, neighbors came out, the situation went from bad to tragic in a hurry.
Niece claims BIL1 called her a whore, BIL1 says he did not call her a whore. On Wed he told DW that he had told his eldest daughter that the sneaking and other lies and secrets made her look like a whore.
Not cool Dad.
Though I agree with his message regarding the sneaking, lies, and secrets, a parent cannot call their child a whore or any other such term. Not if there is much chance of maintaining a close relationship. An 18yo, or even younger teens, are sexual beings. Discovering and exploring that does not make anyone a whore. There is no indication that N-18has been notably sexually active, etc.. Even if she was, BIL is dead wrong. IMHO.
Anyway, niece 18 is gone. My IL clan are all in ostrich mode on it all and will not address the huge pink elephant in the room. Won't talk about it, etc... There are three more young women in BIL1's home that BIL1 is not careful are certainly at risk for similar outcomes if he and his wife do not adjust their parenting. Again, IMHO.
Yet another generation of the IL clan are buying into the avoid the issues model. My DW remains the sole example of successful escape from the doing the same thing over and over again generationally while ignoring that it isn't working.
She comes home tonight. I am sure there will be several days of grief, tears, anger, and venting. This crap breaks my heart. DW should not have to suffer the emotional trauma of having to have a relationship with her own family. No one should.
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Rags while I do agree with
Rags while I do agree with you on some points such as not using the word whore (its incorrect in her case, we know what a prostitute is... sex in exchange of money....thats vastly different than having one bf at 18yo lol), i think the parents are experiencing some type of mental gaslighting from your niece and she is the result of their extremely cool/permissive parenting.
A full blown garage converted into a room like she has her own apt and a truck paid for by mommy and daddy. All these privileges only to turn around and treat your parents like shit. I would probably have left her for dead or non existent if she was my daughter. After all, your choice is to shack up with a random boy that you will break up with in a couple of years max and prob she will have to work to support both of them at some fast food or retail place (if she doesnt go the x rated route) and throw away all comfort provided by parents.
Parents need to focus on themselves and their children. She made her choice BUT you know what we say....dont come crying!
Grown actions = grown consequences
N-18 perpetrated the behavioral crap.
No doubt about that. She is the one at the heart of this issue.
Though, my IL clan is fundamentally immature. All of them. My bride is the family mutant... apparently. Blessedly.
My FIL chased a known bad idea because it was his dream. Lost their home/farm and his dream farm. They were 7 years from completely paying off the mortgage in their primarly home/farm. Only my DW and I said anything and advised against it to the point that we put our two MBAs toghether did the full meal deal business analysis, sat them down and stepped them through the facts, analysis, and nearly sure outcome. Sadly, we were right.
MIL was a Casino fly for decades and blew every penny she earned for that time. Her plan was to win their retirement at the slots. Only DW and I sat MIL and FIL down to discuss it. Explained how they house makes their money, how the longer MIL played, the more money she lost with zero increase in the odds of winning. As usual, ignoring a problem was their usual action. So they ignored it. And they continued to lose everything over, and over, and over again.
Every adult in that family has the emotional maturity of someone in their mid teens. At most. FIL did, MIL does, BIL1 and his wife do, BIL2 and his wife do, SIL does and is a crook on top of it. Ony my DW escaped that curse.
N-18 showed inklings of promise and now has proven she has the same maturity issues her parents have, her GPs have, her Uncle and her youngest aunt have. On top of her familial maturity deficite, she is a product of her parents failed immature parenting.
BIL1 and his wife do need to learn from this parental failure and do what they can for their younger three daughters. They do not have much time. #2 is only a few years from graduating HS, the twins are a year behind her and bring a plethera of issues from their BioClans. On top of that, they are being raised in the heart of my IL clan's continuing successive generational immaturity, etc...
Every time my DW visits and comes back to our home, I am relieved that she is away from it all. Each time she visits, it tends to be longer before she visits again. It breaks her heart and it takes a long time for her to recover and to get past the never ending IL clan drama.
THe good news is that it is all far better than it once was. MIL's age limits her ability to continue much of her former bad choices, Since FIL passed 4yrs ago that forced MIL to pay her bills since FIL could not longer barely do that for them. DW finally boxed her mother in so she only has a very small % of her income available for discretionary spending, her invesment advisor keeps her money invested and pays her mortgage, insurance, etc directly and makes sure that there is no Casino money available. DW's sibs are all at least feeding and housing themselves and their families so DW does not have to worry about that. DW used to struggle with guilt over how well we do Vs how hard her family works and still couldent make ends meet.
She knew the issue was them and their decisions. It took many years of our marriage for her to forgive herself for her family's failures and embrace how amazing she is and how well she is doing. I once offered for us to purchase a home for her parents and set up basically the situation that DW worked with the investment manager she selected for her Aunt and her mother. DW vetoed that and would not put us at risk for a cent to counter my MIL and FIL's bad choices.