HELP!! AM I DOING TOO MUCH OR IS THIS WHAT IM "SUPPOSED" TO DO!
Hi Ladies I need some real advice lol im not sure if I’m doing too much or is this part of the stepmom job description. In short I am a BIO mom of 2 (17 &3yrs old) and have 3 step kids which are (7,6,&5). They are with us i mean "ME" every other week for a week at a time (Friday-Friday). I pick them up from school on Fridays.. they are general with me ALLL the time. I feel as though the BM and I are the ones that are switching off. My Fiancé’s (notice we are not "technically" married yet!) work schedule did not allow him to make it home in time to pick the kids up from afterschool by 6pm(correction, he didn’t make the effort to be here on time to pick the kids up when he did get out of work in time) so I pick them up. At one time his work schedule was 12pm-11pm so I would pick the kids up from school, help with homework, feed them, make sure they are bathed and in bed.. that went on for a few months. his work scheduled varied from 9-6,8-4.. etc.. whichever time it was I still picked them up and took care of them. when he does arrive home he comes in eats dinner watches TV in the living room for 20mins if that then he goes in the bedroom closes the door and goes to sleep(this is his routine when he is at home if he is not sleep then he is not at home).
He recently has accepted a job in another city 2hours away from home (he was working a contract job where as this job is permanent-is the reasoning behind why he accepted the position) so now his schedule is 3pm-12am. he said he would commute everyday but a month into that he decided to get an apartment and now he stays in his "Bachelor pad" Sun-Wed. He has asked the BM if she would keep the kids M-W meaning she would pick them up from school Monday afternoon and "I" will pick them up Wed afterschool. So when he leaves on Sunday mornings they stay with me and I wake up 6am Monday morning to get 4 kids ready for school and drop them off. Since he does not get off work until 12am Weds I pick them up and will take care of them as well. He made a comment that he could not believe that he had to get their own mom to keep them (m-w) which is really just mon after school- wed morning. when he has someone (meaning me) in the house! I was confused because last I checked I was not their mom so why wouldn"t their BM be the one to keep them.. Please help me understand I thought the purpose of shared custody was for the children to spend time with their dad not just come to his house that week? there has been times he will visit his mom for the weekend out of town and leave the kids with me. I really don’t see the point of the kids being here if he is NOT here.. lastly, today unfortunately he had an accident on the way to work nothing major but the car will need repairs. He said he wasn’t going to go into work he was going to go to his apartment and rest because of his traumatic experience. Mind you the kids are here this week and I was on the phone with him on my way back from taking them all to school this morning, Idk. I was thinking if he wasn’t going to work after his accident then he needs to go home not his "apt" and be here to pick the kids up or at least "BE HERE" when "I" go pick them up from school this afternoon.
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I am still wrapping my
I am still wrapping my thoughts around the face that you are letting your SO do this!!! He is living the single life while you take care of his kids? I wonder what he would say if you told him you were moving to where he has his apartment! I bet he would not let you. Have you been there to see this pad he is living in.
Do you work? I assume not. GET A JOB ASAP!!!
Actually, i have never been
Actually, i have never been to place do not even know the name of it or where it is besides its in that city, last week he asked me to bring 'our song' the 3yr old there but i was exhausted (from planning HIS daugthers slumber party that was this past wkend and our sons bday party which is next sat).. I do work actually! I work from home but there are day i have to go out and visit different business some even out of town 3hrs the most away which is fustrating because i have to plan my schedule carefully i cant just say oh next wed im going to such in such.. i have to make arragnement for my son to be picked up or plan it on a day he is off.
I'd be telling him he needs
I'd be telling him he needs to be the step parent...as in STEP up to the plate buddy! I'd be going to his 'appartment' too...I'd be getting a sitter and making that two hour ride! Does he have any interactions with his kids at all? I'd be having the kids ride with him on the Sunday while I followed to bring them home in time to go to bed. Two hours is really not so long! The kids will fall asleep when you are bringing them home so change them into PJ's before you leave and they'll be so happy and content they will not even notice getting out of the car and into bed! If he bitches about no car seats etc. tell him he can use your car and you'll drive his. Drives seem to get shorter and shorter each time you make them...right? The gas money is NOT an issue...he gets a decent paycheck and if the custody is 50/50 he may not be paying child support...this guy thinks he's got it MAID!! I purposely misspelled made.
Why are you allowing him to
Why are you allowing him to use you?
I'm guessing he doesn't pay CS. If not, he's living the life. He isn't kicking out $$ for his kids. He has BM and SM doing all the parenting. He gets to live 2 hours away doing God knows what.
This is a familiar scenario
This is a familiar scenario both in my own life (read my previous blogs!) and on Steptalk. What happens I think is that when we first enter the picture we want to be "everything"....we help out wherever we can even if it means taking on way more than if we stopped and thought about it. At first it's all appreciated adn we don't realize that this will soon become status quo...that we will be expected to do all this for the rest of our lives...we don't realize we are essentially digging ourselves a nice deep hole that is difficult to get out of.
Unfortunately you have to become the "bad guy" for these people to get it. You have to practically snap and become total bitch before they realize you are serious....adn then of course risk that outcome as well. It sucks. Sorry I don't have a lot of advice, but NO it's not right what you're being expected to do. But there's not really a way to get out of it without looking like the bad guy, atleast for a little while. I am at this point...on the verge of being the nasty bitchy stepmom who "doesn't want" the kid....but really why does the responsibility fall on me to take care of them when the dad is out of town?
Side note..He told me i was
Side note..He told me i was not being supportive of his new job lol because I didnt want to keep the kids while he wasnt there. Again! what is the point of the kids being with me if he is not here they should just stay with the mom! Meanwhile she is resting and enjoys her week off ! EVEN when she KNOWS he is not in town she will still leave the kids with me. one of the wkends he went to visit his mom out of town the BM came to drop something off for the kids. the 5yr old was crying sayig she wanted to go with her mom. the BM stood there for a few mins and finally said okay she can come home with her but she would bring her back.. (WHY??) so she took her with her and brought her back that nite..
Wow, he got QUITE the deal
Wow, he got QUITE the deal and you've gotten the short end of the stick.
Yikes.
I stopped reading half way
I stopped reading half way through because I realized you are being used...You are showing him how to treat you. These are not your kids. They should not be with you when he is not there...Simple enough...Sorry had to stop because this stuff just irritates the hell out of me...
My dh used to work out of
My dh used to work out of town and I kept ss for him. Hell, I kept the kid for a whole year while he was in Iraq. He used to tell me things, "if the situations were reversed I'd keep your kids". I felt, at the time, that we were a family and there were no his or mine-just ours. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry, I am much older and wiser now. My situation became disastrous. Here I was teh primary parent (dh had full custody) to this child who did NOT want to be with me. I dont think he had anything against me initially, but he knew he had both a mom and a dad and I wasnt either one of them. He naturally wanted to be with a parent.
My ss really grew to blame me for everything. I was the only one disciplining the kid as his parents saw him infrequently and didnt want to detract from their "visits" with pesky parenting and discipline. My ss can't stand me, cant stand my kids (his sibs), and has been banned from my house altogether. He moved in with his bm about 4 years ago, she kicked him out this summer, and he now lives with my inlaws. One of the reasons he cant live here-is that my dh still cannot wrap his head around what he needs to do in order to parent this kid. Or he chooses not to. Kind of like your man is choosing not to parent his children.
I would put my foot down and tell him that PARENTING time is for the PARENT which is him. There is no point in you having the kids if he is not even present in the home.
OH WOW! It's sad cos the 7yr
OH WOW! It's sad cos the 7yr old will ask him why he is always gone.. the 6yr old would rather stay with the BM. i feel bad for them and I treat them as if they were mine i do for them the same. BUT The reality is they are not mine and I feel ive done too much and in too deep how do i just stop doing ? When i tried to back off he turned it into i dont treat his kids the same and maybe we need to rethink things. which to me was like okay so if i dont babysit we need to rethinnk our relationship??
Ummm yeah, I'd rethink the
Ummm yeah, I'd rethink the relationship. Do you even have a relationship? It sounds like he's treating you like a glorified babysitter. If all he does is sleep when he's home, what exactly are you getting out of this except raising somebody else's kids. He's manipulating you and using emotional blackmail.
Like one of the other posters said, your gut is screaming at you..which is why you're here asking for advice. My advice...don't get married unless he changes into a totally different person.
He's pimping you...and
He's pimping you...and unfortunately, you've been allowing it...
There's nothing right about this entire arrangement, and your gut instinct is SCREAMING to you...
You need to make your SO more responsible for his kids whether he agrees with you or not...