How do you respond ????????
Sometimes we make the mistake of letting BM drop off SD in publc places, or at bday parties our other children are attending.
This last time BM dropped off SD at a place all of our friends and thier children were also. BM dropped off SD in BROKEN flip flops the top of the flip flop was not connected to the shoe. Her shorts where two-three sizes to small, her shirt didnt match and was dirty and smelled like cat urine. Her hair had not been brushed in who know how long. Her general apperance was very dirty and lazy.
This happends very often. We usually know to bring clothes, hair tyes, brushes, wipes, and anything else. This time we figured ok BM knows we are going to a public place, maybe she will do whats best for child.
As soon as we wallked through the door, you should have saw the look on everyones faces.
It was awful.
People through out the night made very rude remarks about SD's apperance. More then one person actually came out to DH and made the comment our children ( mine & his) are very gorgeous girls, and are always so clean and well put together and their hair is so perfect, then they went on to say how horrible SD looks. They knew it was not our fault, but we still felt like hey we can see her, and yes we are embarrased.
Then the next day we went somewhere, we had SD so she was dressed and clean and her hair was done. And someone made a comment to DH regarding SD. They told him our girls are so gorgeous, and respectable. Then they made a comment saying SD must look like her mother or something, she is very different then her half sisters.
I tried making DH feel better by saying its SD's behavior and her overall rudness to people which makes her less then appealing. I dont think it worked though.
My two questions are?
How do we let BM know she is hurting SD but not dressing her properly?
How do we respond to the comments people make?
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poor kid
poor kid
I really do feel bad? I
I really do feel bad? I wanted to cry I felt so bad for some of the comments. Im very afraid that her relationship with her sisters could be damaged as she gets older because of apperances and peoples remarks. Three of the girls will be in highschool at the same time, its far off, but Im still worried.
I also wanted to add that
I also wanted to add that when people we know see BM they always laugh at DH and give him a horrible horrible time. His work buddies and male friends give him a hard time.
His friends always ask him " where did you get the crack to be with that"
Then the tell him about me " how did you get her" And make comments about him stepping up in the world, and how he went from one extreme to the other. Of course this makes me feel nice I wont lie.
I was just wondering how I respond to DH? He laughs it off with his buddies, but I have feeling he is a little annoyed?
Thats what my DH gets too.
Thats what my DH gets too. She now resembles a troll (short, fat, with crazy red hair--when she covers the gray) and I am oh about 15 years younger, thinner, taller, prettier, and not reading the "Being a Miserable Bitch for Dummies" book at night.
She also sends SD over with the rattiest clothes possible and doesn't force her to shower every day (she's 11... and going through puperty) or brush her hair. THEN whenever we buy her clothes they ALL end up at her mom's house.
My DH responds to his friends by saying...and you never made a mistake in your life? Or I was just practicing until I met xxx (me). He sort of makes a joke about it but that's probably because he wants to save face and be "manly" in front of his friends.
How do we let BM know she is
How do we let BM know she is hurting SD but not dressing her properly?
You probably can't. You can't fix stupid and BM qualifies.
How do we respond to the comments people make?
Ignore them or respond "All of our children are beautiful, thanks for noticing".
IMHO of course.
Best regards,
Thanks Rags, I like that.
Thanks Rags, I like that. Sometimes Im so stunned, I just freeze, but now I have something in my head ready to say
A2: you choose something
A2: you choose something beautiful about her. Her eyes, her chin, lips, hair (when its clean), finers, something that is just beautiful on her. When they sa your BDs are gorgeous, you say, "And don't you just adore SD's eyes? I totally wish I had those.
Thats a great idea, I love it!!!!!
any chance you sent some of
any chance you sent some of the clothes you have at BMs?
In my opinion that will show to both SD and BM that you care about the girl's appearance and you wont have to get into an argument with BM.
Or in case that is not possible, sent a couple of jeans and dresses and request the child to have those on when she picks her up / drops her off.
Now about the comments people make.. I have no advice really. This is a cruel world anyway. What I would say is that "I think she is BEAUTIFUL exactly as she is."
I will talk to Dh about
I will talk to Dh about sending clothes. Im not sure we might ever see them again, but its worth a shot.
Yes it is. You can also
Yes it is. You can also explain to SD that she needs to take care of them and that you would love to see her wearing them every time she visits. (Works with my SD, plus , when her mom keeps clothes there for a long time SD says :That goes to my Dad's !! and eventually brings it back! )
Um, no offense, but your
Um, no offense, but your friends or whoever it is that's making these comments sound like complete jerks.
The ones making comments
The ones making comments about SD are jerks, they are kind of friends of friends. We happen to end up at the same places because we know so many common people.
Our real friends always make sure to tell all the girls they love them. My best friend actually the one night, actually took SD into the bathroom and cleaned her up as best as she could, and fixed her hair as best as she could with what she had. It was so sweet
The ones making comments about BM are Hubbys friends and they can be on the cocky side.
I'm just curious. How old is
I'm just curious. How old is SD? Is she old enough to start learning how to take care of her own grooming?
You might try teaching her some things and hopefully some of it will stick so she's not at BM's mercy to look neat.
I don't know how or what you
I don't know how or what you can do to bm to let her know. Maybe tell her, "we will be going to this restaurant for a reception and the dress code is Sunday dress." or just take an extra bag with a cute outfit and hair things to keep in your car just in case. But eventually the girl will be embarrassed and learn to dress nicer. Idk your bm but could she be doing it on purpose to spite dh? If you do have nice clothes for sd then keep it at your house. As for people making comments (yes rude), but I'veearned ro ignore it. I usually then introduce them to my STEP son (as in, this was not my doing- his mom sent him this way) and they usually 'get it'. We had a small issue with ss12 not having appropriate clothes for church on Sundays. I was embarassed once when all he had brought was some tattered denim shorts and a tshirt. The following visit dh simy reminded bm to make sure ss had church clothes when he comes. Idk if ss was embarassed that time or if his mom told him something but ever since then he has had church clothes. I think partly she wants 'her' kid to look as good as 'our' kids and doesn't want ss to be the oddball out looking rugged.