*applause* good response!

i do however take issue with her final statement to "calmly insist on that". i'm lucky to have a husband who DOES support me in spite of his mother's passive-aggressive BS - if he left my @$$ at home to go hang out with and play 'happy family' with dumb@$$ at the IL's, i would not be calmly doing anything, i'd raise holy immortal H3LL, ending with "GTFO and go back to you wife."

I think that Carolyn hax gave some great advice. It is up to the dh to be at his wife's side.

My she is a very calm guy who doesn't like to rock the boat. But he told some of his family that he loves me and if they can't accept it then it is what it is. He doesn't speak to them anymore. I actually didnt care if they don't like me, I am a big girl, and encouraged him to still have a relationship with them. He still chooses not to.

I find this article interesting as well.

My in laws are still pretty close with BM. Now, keep in mind the reason BM and DH split was because BM was having a 2 year long affair with DH's BIL. That would be his sisters husband. My SIL is still married to the guy. How I don't know but that fits firmly in the "not my monkey, not my circus" arena.

The ILs talk to BM more than they talk to me or DH even. They have given her thousands of dollars over the years, gave her a car, replaced the transmission in said car, continue to allow her to spend the weekend at their house if she can't or won't take SD to her house downstate for visitation, etc. For about 2 years after all that went down my SIL refused to go to her parents house because she never knew if BM would be there. Wouldn't go to Thanksgiving or Christmas or anything because BM was always invited.

My personal favorite was almost two years ago, BM called DH one night asking him to go to mediation but wouldn't say why she wanted to go except to say because "learning is trash talking my daughter." Now, at that time SD had not yet been diagnosed with any special needs but I knew there was something going on and kept trying to get DH and MIL to wake up and accept the fact that we needed help. The week before, I had been talking to MIL about some of the behavior problems we were having and she went off on me basically blaming all the problems on me and all but calling me a bitch who was cruel to her granddaughter. I asked DH then if his mother was going to call up BM and start drama and he said no, he didn't think she would do that. As soon as BM accused me of trash talking SD I knew exactly what happened. I told him I knew that would happen and told him to call his mother and find out what was said. So he called MIL who told him that BM had called up there asking questions she couldn't lie about but when asked what she told BM she said we would have to talk to BM about that. A few days later she tried to say that all she said was that SD has behavior problems here and then a week after that she said all she said to BM was that she hadn't seen SD in awhile and she thought it was because of the argument she had with me.

I know there have been a few occasions over the years where DH has just screamed at his mother over this stuff and demanded that she cut off contact with BM but she never does. It is a source of contention throughout the entire family and why MIL continues to talk to BM we will never understand. I would honestly be perfectly happy not having any contact with MIL anymore. The incident two years ago would have been enough for me but DH is still trying.