I am unsure of what happened.
When we try to come together, have connection based upon mutual interest and desire, there are these clouds in the way. They seem to roll in and are hanging over us before I know it. There are times I am mean, childish. I understand the lingering effect of such behaviors. I use such incidents as guides toward what I must examine within myself and words to not say to him again.
We had a day of days. Perhaps that is the problem, it was beautiful, and his children were voluntarily not present.
He vanished the moment my kids were in bed, pee is sixteen and of course well able to determine for himself when he goes to sleep.
My two sisters, their children, my one siter's boyfriend's kids, my parents, my husband and my sons had an impromptu party at my sister's. We both live in the country with horses, chickens, barns, multiple fourwheelers, go carts, etc. princess did not make contact this weekend and has not been here. pee has had a really good week, it's has felt like normal family life this week - fist time.
So when we got home and my kids went to bed (they were so ready, so tired from a day that I believe will always be in their memories as one of those magical fun days) there was opportunity.
This was before 10:00.
He seemed to vanish after my kids were in bed and there was opportunity for the two of us to just be together.
We were happy, having fun, he became silent in a heavy way.
It doesn't seem to matter if princess is here, not here, tantruming, silent, whatever. He did not indicate withdrawal in any way, I may be incorrect, but it I wonder if the absence of what he always envisioned experiencing as a father and husband is made acute on such days. I wonder if the absence of his children is far more painful than he lets me know. My family asks after his kids in a genuinely caring way, I don't tell anyone other than my one sister about what it is like.
I don't know what to do. I do not want to cause him pain by doing the things my family has always done. I know there are layers of pain there for everyone. My sister and I did not leave our first husbands as awful as they were. My mindset was always that I was commited to my first husband and I turned myself inside out to try to make him happy, as my sister did with hers. My family has always gathered together for scheduled events such as holidays and birthdays, and more spur of the moment days such as today. My family members like and enjoy one another. My husband's ex devalued family.
It makes me feel awful, makes me question myself when he becomes so withdrawn and goes to sleep and I have nothing concrete I can attach it to. I am left to speculate, wonder, feel lost.
I am trying to stay away from the anger I have within me about what he has allowed, and perhaps where he is really coming from.
There is no reason in my mind why he should be turned away from me sleeping and me typing away rather than giving good things to him.