I chatted online with a DV counselor

She sent me a link to a legal aid place

I might pay them a visit this morning-they have free intake hours

She had an early out on Wednesday and she broke down and cried at the thought of being stuck here

I guess I'd better get the ball rolling

I did send an email to a lawyer here in town but got no response probably can't afford it anyway

I wish he was a straight up alpha hotel all the time-that would make it easier

He is kind of calm right now and halfway decent which really messes with my mind

You start to tell yourself it's not that bad. It really makes me doubt myself and wonder if I'm overreacting to the bad times

I know that's part of his game but it still messes with me

We are going to therapy this afternoon

When I spoke to the therapist on the telephone, she said she could put me on to some resources for legal aid and employment

Thank you for your response Dtzy

When I first started lurking here I read Operation Home Fires and just about died laughing and I was also inspired by your strength

It's hard to get started-I feel so guilty sometimes

And I don't want to be one of those biomoms-YKWIM?

Each meltdown is lessening my guilt though

Holidays right around the corner

Merry Christmas!

Fuck off and die!

(not really, but I do feel like a heartless bitch when I think of lowering the boom finally)

Another thing I feel guilty about is he was for the most part very good to my bioson

Not too many men would have been able to step up the way he did

He treated my boy like his very own

My son is 18 now and he will be starting a really good job in a couple of weeks

So many ways I feel like I kind of owe my husband

No love anymore

Just fear, obligation and guilt.

I don't have it in me to run over stuff

That would just give him more fuel to pour on the ineedprofessionalhelp fire

Nope.

I'm already very angry.

Sometimes it's all I can do to remain civil but I do everything I can to prevent these meltdowns.

I am having much more difficulty masking my anger and hate towards him

I try and be civil and pleasant kind of like when you deal with a coworker you hate

I share nothing and only discuss the business of the day

I smile and nod and "Mmmmhmmm" in the right places

He tried threatening to leave back in January

When I said it might be a good idea and we should start planning he backed down

He is all about controlling us with fear-that's why he rages every so often

In January he decided we should work on things but it's always the same old shit and there is absolutely nothing left to save

Back when I used to love him he used to accuse us of using him and just sitting around here waiting for him to die

That really hurt.

But those words are true now

Because he was abusive he is now nothing but a paycheck to me

He made his accusation come true through his own behaviour

I've never been a user or a golddigger but I don't feel so guilty anymore for trying to regroup on his dime

I'm not going to feel guilty about getting half of everything including his 401K

Fuck it

I would walk on broken glass for him if he was decent

But he's never going to change and I just don't gove a fuck anymore

The legal aid place was a bust.

They referred me to a place out of town

Fuck it

I'm just going to start calling every lawyer in town

There's a sizeable 401K at stake here

One of them is bound to take my case

I've had enough!

I left a message with a low cost attorney here in town

I think I'm going to have to tell him tonight and let the chips fall where they may

It's not fair to anyone to maintain the charade