It’s been a bit since I’ve visited. A rough couple weeks, if you will. 

Stbxh is gone. He moved out yesterday. It was painful and I have overwhelming, mixed, confused emotions.

i hooked up the shitty tv he left me in my bedroom. (I kept the largest tv in the living room, he took the second best tv out of my bedroom, and I kept some shitty tv that was in his kids room). Whatever. All I wanted was the living room tv really. 

I changed my locks. All three doors. $130 later. I bought a fancy keypad deadbolt for my main door (I hate keys). And then basic dead bolts and knobs for the other two doors. 

I have to hire a dog walker. I am using Wag! Which is super expensive but I don’t have a choice considering We got a puppy a week before I found out all the lies and initiated a divorce. My older dog is fine with being alone while I was at work, but puppy cannot hold it that long. I figured the keypad will help with the dog walker because you can easily delete and create up to 19 codes in my deadbolt. 

The puppy (6mos old now) is driving me crazy, especially with potty training and her inability to be in a crate. School is overwhelming. Work is kickstarting a shit ton of projects. My house is half a mess and half empty. I have a ton of things that need done around the house. I’m regaining my independence of living and being alone again. I have a thousand things to do and literally no time or motivation whatsoever. I burst into tears randomly.. and I just hope that I’m alone when it happens  

Things will get better. I know they will. But right now.. things fucking suck. Divorce sucks. It’s confusing and painful and liberating all at once. 

But, no more lies. No more worries of gambling. No more resentment of me financially supporting the household. No more calls from BM demanding schedule changes and money. No more screaming kids on the weekends. No more guilt trips to “be a stepparent” when he couldn’t tell me what I was doing wrong. No more walking on egg shells when he was cranky. No more hoping he’s in a good mood today. No more negative comments. No more “I go to the bar so i don’t have to come to you”

Heres to eventually finding a man that loves me for me and not for what I provide him and his kids with (financially, emotionally, structurally). Here’s to finding a man that has similar interests to me. A man that wants to go see a band and hit up some food trucks. A man that wants to take the dogs for a walk. A man that wants to sit down and play cards. A man that will talk to me. A man that shares his feelings and thoughts with me. A man that shows me and tells me he cares and he loves me. 

My 28th birthday is two weeks from today. Here’s to celebrating how far I’ve come with my own mental health, my improved self confidence, and my ability to respect myself.