Well, I'm not sure just how unusual my circumstances are, having read some of the other topics on this site. I will leave the readers of this blog to judge for themselves. I was 30 when I got engaged to a woman who was ten years older than; a woman who by the way came with four children, who at the time were 11, 10, 7 and 7; yes, the two youngest are twins, although one is considerably larger than the other.

Without going into the entire story of how we met, I'm just going to skip ahead to the post-honey phase; which by the way, didn't actually happen, the honeymoon that is. We were married by a Justice of the Peace; the children were not present, just a few friends to serve as witnesses. The idea was to get married civally, then having our marriage blessed by the church, and by church I mean the Catholic Church. Well, long story, short; wife has to get an annulment, which has opened up a whole other can of worms.

Moving on...

The children thing is new for me as a parent. Having been a teacher, I am not unaccustomed to working with children and I quite like them. I am hoping to have my own some day. Unfortunately, because of the ages of my wife's children, they don't look at me as another dad, so much as their mother's husband. Most of the time I feel like a glorified nanny for the children. At the end of the day, my wife is the FINAL authority when it comes to the children. She wants me to be involved but on her terms. In my mind, parenting does not work well unless both parents are on the same page, and we hardly ever agree on child rearing issues.

The oldest kid has ADHD, the next one down has the typical middle kid stuff going on the youngest, the twins, two girls, well they're just plain old spoiled by their mother. I have heard the boys say more than once, the girls get away with some much more than did/could. It's true, not too mention my wife favors one of the twins in particular. I think it's because she looks so much like my wife and so my wife subconsciously leans toward that twin, not that she doesn't show any love or affection toward any of the other children. However, it hasn't gone completely unnoticed.

The issue I've been having as of late is this; I want a baby of my own. My wife had her tubes tied and I knew this before we got married. She said she could still have children, it just wouldn't be as easy. We'd have to do IVF or Tubal Ligation Reversal, both of which she is prepared to do because she says she really wants to have a baby with me. It's too bad the ex husband was such a bastard and almost completely ruined her. She's got so much going on in her head from that previous relationship, which occasionally sneaks up on both of us. What a shame; I never knew one person could inflict so much pain on one person. No wonder she didn't want to have anymore kids with that guy.

Too be completely honest, I think I'm doing a pretty decent job of having to play the role of Dad, even though I don't have that title. As much of an asshole as the ex is, he's got the unconditional love of his children, lucky bastard. I make sure the kids are active in church (altar servers) and are involved in scouts etc. The boys play sports and girls do gymnastics. I think I've risen to the occasion as best as I can for the time being. I'm not sure how much I could do at this point. Honestly, there are times when I do feel like an outsider in my own home. It's like I've been inserted into this family and so often I feel like more of a guest than a part of the family. Much of that could just be my own perspective and not how everyone else feels, but it is how I feel sometimes.

I want to have a baby, but MONEY is going to be an issue there. Especially since my wife opted to have her tubes tied. I know she feels really bad about it and she regrets the decision but my feelings are my feelings. I wish I didn't have them and sometimes I wish I didn't feel the need to have my own child. I think things would be easier for me if those feelings went away. There is so much more to my story but I suppose this is the gist of it. Perhaps some of the readers could impart some hope or knowledge that might help me cope a bit better.