It might help if you can view her with "I feel sorry for you." Usually SMs are pretty bitter about having to take on and do so many things for someone else's kids. If she doesn't want kids of her own, chances are she doesn't want yours either.

It sounds like she said, "I'm just as much mother to those girls as you are!" in order to justify to herself that she is doing something with her life that she doesn't really want to do. As bios, we view being with our own kids as a privilege and we feel torn when someone else tries to step in. On the other hand, as SMs, we don't usually feel it's a privilege but a chore to raise someone else's kids.

I know I have been tempted to tell my SD's BM something similar but I haven't. I felt I wanted to say something like that because I am resentful of the things I am forced to do for SD that BM does not have to worry about.

Try to feel sorry for her. Being a SM sucks and it's very likely she is not having a blast in that job. }:)

She sounds a little over zealous and is maybe trying too hard.

Honestly if you are not a stepmom, you shouldn't be here. She sounds like a Stepmom that is being taken advantage of by her husband and resenting you for not giving her any credit for helping to raise your kids....

I don't think it was wrong of the OP to come here. It sounds like she's trying to get advice from people who would be able to see the SM POV.
I'm wondering what immediately preceded the SMs outburst.

I really wish people would stop telling other people what they can and can not post here. Control much?! And really...what better place to get advice about a step parent than from this site??

It has never happened to me, but I would need more info to try and help. But it does sound like she is a new SM right?

She said she was a stepmother and also had biochildern so she has a right to be here. She just made a flip side question to figure out how to deal with whats going on in her life.
I'am 45 and my DH is 39. Bm is 33. I should say also that I married DH when I was 26 and it didn't work so we divorce. Thats when he meet Bm (a 3 week affair) then comes ss. We remarried before we knew Dh had a son with BM. We didn't find out till ss was 18 months old. So basically we came into ss life at the same time.

I do just as much for ss as I did while raising my two grown daughters. SS does live with us full time and have very little to no contact with his BM. So I can say that I'm a mother figure to ss. If you have had children of your own it is easier to see how to handle the relationships. But being that she hasn't had children of her own she probably doesn't relize that she is over stepping. And she feels like shes doing all the work when the kids are at her their house. So heres what you say to her.

"I thank you for taking good care of our kids while their at you house. I know that you care for them and it shows in all that you do for them. I know that while their in your home that your roll is to do the same things I do for them in my home. So I do respect you for that."

okay hang on I got stumped trying to write that. Heres what I'm thinking sm just wants someone to agree with her that she does her share and more. Its not like shes asked the kids to call her mom or anything, right?

And even if they did ever love her enough to call her mom too. All that shows is that you and your exhusband did a good job in raising your kids and that they are being respectful. It doesn't mean that they replaced you with another women. It means they are able to love and let their love show for other people.

One of the sadest things I see on this site is the BMs not wanting their kids to love and respect their stepparents. Its sayes alot for a parents to love their kids enough that they can share them. After all being a parent Mom, dad or stepparent is just a roll we play in life. There are lots of people that are parents that did not actually have the kids them selves. Its more commen every day. Keep and open mind as long as she treats your kids good thats all you need to worry about. What your kids call her doesn't matter. Its not a slight to you as a mother. They will always love you most.

"What? This woman is an idiot and likes to run my ex. She must be great in the sack because my ex wouldn't do jack for me and when it came to money, ha, he would control it.
Thoughts???"

I tried to seriously consider an answer to your post, but you just reek of jealousy. Explore your feelings, take your obvious jealousy of this woman out of the picture, and then you will see where the real problem is.

Seems to me the problem is with that man you procreated with.

Echo, hopefully you can answer my question: "You CANNOT be your kids friend, you are their PARENT. Period. Parents should never try to be their kids friend. And she CAN be their friend because she's NOT their parent."

What if the tables are turned? I'm SM to SD9 full time. BM is 100% absent, aside from 3 short visits in 3 yrs. During those visits, BM insists on being the FRIEND with no rules, no teaching, no training, no life lessons. Of course, SD came back completely pissed at me & DH for even asking her to clean her room & do her homework!

I do try at times to be SDs friend and I'm not overly involved since I know I'm not her parent. I let DH do the parenting but it's very hard to ignore my parental responsibilities for someone who I'm partially responsible for under my roof 24/7.

How I wish I could be that part-time "parent-friend!"

Like I said, Feel sorry for the SM. She can't be in a happy place. SMs have a hard time bringing in skids and feeling responsible for them. It's no joyride at all.