I have never written a blog or been active on a forum site like this before, so I thought that a good way to start would be to to let you all know how I got here.

I met my husband just over 8 years ago, and for me it was the kind of love at first site you only see in the movies. I knew from the moment I saw him that he was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. After dating for a very short time, he tried to break things off with me. It wasn't until this time that he told he told me he was married and had two kids. In hind site maybe I should have accepted it at that and let him go, but no...I was head over heals in love already and I absolutely didn't want to lose him. He explained to me that his marriage was not a happy one, and that they were only still together because of the kids. She already knew he was seeing me and was ok with it. He could have told me anything, and as long as that door was even cracked open I would have taken it.

6 months into the relationship I was still just as smitten as day 1. By this time I had met his wife, and his kids (then infant and 2). Aside from the fact that he was married, everything was perfect...and then all hell broke loose. His wife was home with kids and was babysitting a co-workers 2 kids as well. She says that it was all an accident, and that she just tripped and dropped the co-workers 11 month old daughter down the stairs. According to the medical examiner it was homicide. CPS took both of his kids for about two weeks until they were able to determine that it was safe for them come home and live with dad, after that, for both legal and safety reasons the kids then went to live with his parents (8 hours away). In the beginning this was just going to be a short term thing because everyone assumed that BM would be arrested and taken to jail any day. That short term thing turned into two years. We remained very close during this time as I was pretty much the only person he could turn to. He quickly went broke with attorney expenses, so every other weekend I either bought him a plane ticket or drove him the 8 hours so that he could see his kids. I promised him that I wouldn't let money keep him from his kids. It was during this two year period that he finally got a divorce.

In the end BM never went to jail and was never even convicted because the parents of the child that died didn't want to press charges. I don't know how they pulled it off but they did. BM can kill a little girl and the only she gets for it a CPS record of abuse and neglect. She was already a little off, but this whole thing made her snap. She even attempted suicide twice. Obviously my husband was granted full custody of his kids and BM was only allowed to have supervised visitation. At one point she even gave up her parental rights.

Skip ahead three years and this is when my husband and I finally got married. I became the step mom of a very normal 5 year old girl, and a very damaged 7 year old boy. My SD was young enough when all the drama happened that she didn't remember any of it.

During the time between his divorce and our marriage I saw how much my husband struggled with being a single dad. I wanted so badly to help him, and I did everything I could. We discussed marriage often and he made it very clear to me that he was a package deal. If I were to marry him I was also "marrying" his children. This was something that was very hard for me to accept. I had never been a kid person, and actually before meeting my husband I didn't want to have kids.
I took a break from things and went to stay with family on the other side of the country for about 7 months. I wanted to make sure my head was on straight and I had really thought things through before getting into this package deal.

I was still head over heals in love and all of the drama that we had gone through together only made our relationship stronger. I was very much in love with my best friend. Being away from him for so long made me realize just how much I loved him and much I wanted to be with him. I convinced myself that I could be a mom and that I could fill the void in his kid's lives. There was even a time that I toyed with the idea of having a child of my own.

So, I moved back to Texas and we got married Everything was going great for a while. I was getting to both of the kids and building relationships with them. I really thought that we were on the road to happily ever after. Since BM had signed away her parental rights my husband and I started prepping ourselves for the process of me adopting both kids. Somehow BM got wind of this and decided, that after 5 years of being almost completely uninvolved in the lives of her 5 and 7 year old, that she wanted them back. After a huge ordeal we went to court. Without even letting our attorney or the people we had prepared to speak on our behalf say a word, the judge looked at BM, told her she had a nice dress, sign,, stamp and done! BM back in the picture. The kids were now going to be in the care of murdering, suicidal, psycho on Thursdays and every other weekend.

As soon as she came back into the picture all of the progress I had mad with my skids went down the drain. They found out/remembered that had a bio mom and I was suddenly shoved to the side. Things with my SD changed, but not too much. We still have a good relationship, but is more friendly than mother/daughter. My relationship with my SS on the other vanished. With BM back he wanted to do with me. The behavior problems started and just keep getting worse. He keeps asking my husband why he doesn't marry his BM again.

We try to maintain a good clean home with routine and manners etc, but each time the kids go to BM that all goes away. She has no rules, no manners, no bed time, no common courtesy...nothing. It takes us a week just to get the back to what we know them as after spending one day with her! And by then, its time for them go back again.

If BM had just stayed out of the picture everything would have been fine. But as it now, we are constantly in court trying to prevent her from getting more time, and trying to prevent her self proclaimed pedophile of a fiance from being near the kids. The drama just never ends!!
With my SSs behavioral issues topping it off my once happy life as a stay at home mom has become a living hell. I hardly ever get to spend time with husband, and we we do get time it seems like we always wind up fighting about my SS or BM. The spark that we used to have has faded so much, and we just seem to be growing farther and farther apart.
In the beginning we told each other that we had been through so many horrible things together that there was no way that we couldn't make it through a marriage too.

My husband and I are still best friends, but because of the drama that BM has put us through, we don't have many other friends. It seems that when people don't know the whole story they automatically side with the BM and see the ex husband and his new wife as evil. If only they knew the truth!!!

So now my mission to find some way to deal with my SS so that my day to day life is more tolerable, and to bring back the spark that my husband and I used to have. I don't know how to do that, but I am hoping that some of you can help me

Until next time...