Disrespectful stepchild
My stepchild 
is extremely disrespectful and manipulative. I don't know if it's just me but I get emotionally and mentally exhausted when people act like a child can't manipulate their situation and like they don't understand how to be cruel. He constantly mocks and makes fun of me for trying to enforce boundaries and basic house rules and almost always gets off Scott free from his dad. I always try the kind approach first and give several chances to correct behaviors but when it just won't work and I have to resort to putting my foot down more I get told I'm harping on him or going out of line. For example, just today he was speaking gibberish and baby talk to my child like "yabbadayabbada deeboo deeboo etc" and trying to jostle his bouncer around like he was a doll and I asked him to stop being rough and also to talk to him normally so he can learn correctly. He kept mocking me and smirking, he knows I don't like that because he always smirks when he knows he's going to get his way or doesn't care about consequences. I got to the final straw and asked him to go upstairs if he was going to be mean and not listen and he called me a bitch and that I hate him (when I don't, even though he makes me feel hopeless and burnt out sometimes). Just a vent post to get it out because I don't know if it's an overreaction but it drives me nuts. He also makes up stories and fake cries constantly. I hate that I try and get treated like that by him. I dread the day if my son learns that from him.
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This is the 6-year-old who
This is the 6-year-old who makes cunnilingus gestures, talks about bong smoke, and curses you out, right? And your DH takes his and BM's side?
You don't say what your custody schedule is like, if there even is a legal CO, or if it's followed. Those facts are very relevant to your situation. If you see him every other weekend predictably, your tactics might be different than if he is with you the majority of the time, and if there is no schedule that you know of or can control, that's something else too. I also worry that your DH might be violent toward you (you mentioned him throwing things when you talked about SS and/or BM in the past.)
It also makes a difference what your means are. Do you have a job or other income where you don't depend on your DH? Your situation doesn't sound good.
ETA you aren't overreacting. Not listening and blatant disrespect need to be taught out of this child.
My spouse doesn't hit me he
My spouse doesn't hit me he just gets really defensive over his first son, we have him most of the time and his bio mom only has him 4 days a month and shares holidays, that's all she wants even though they technically are 50/50 legally. And currently looking for work again but it's a challenge trying to find a job that would work for my situation. Thank you for your support and not making me feel like I'm being the wicked stepmother trope.
If you are the one caring for
If you are the one caring for this child, you can make him listen. At least when he's with you. It's not safe to be in charge of a child who doesn't listen. If the child gets hurt in your care because he can't obey you, that would be awful. I'm no parenting expert but there are resources out there. They have programs like the Total Transformation. Idk much about it or others but maybe someone else can chime in. I used timeouts with my kids. That and taking electronics and dessert. The key is to be direct and consistent and to praise and reward them when they *actually* behave well. If your DH is going to undermine you, but you are with the kid most of the time, at least if he behaves with you alone that's a win. If Daddy wants to let him act like a feral turd, Daddy can handle him alone.
I do try my best with him but
I do try my best with him but he has a lot of issues- he has a bruising and bleeding medical condition he got from his biological mother, anger issues, and is likely undiagnosed adhd/autism etc. So the only discipline he can get from anyone is loss of screen time or sent to his room or no treats. Right now we are on a wait list for him to get a therapist for diagnosis purposes (it's only happening because he wouldn't stop getting in trouble at school for losing his temper and hitting etc even though I've been bringing up him needing diagnosis for months). There's only so much I can do because even when I'm nice he won't listen most of the time and then when I get more firm about where I stand with his behavior he either starts to mock me or has a meltdown and I have to back away in case he tries to hit. He used to listen better but I feel like he just thinks he can get away with stuff if he goes to his dad and gets me in trouble or spreads lies to his bio mom or exaggerations of situations- I got chewed out last week because his bio mom called his dad and said I was talking about her behind her back to her kid and my spouse gave me an earful saying I overstepped bounds and told her he talked to me about it. The most I've ever said to him about her is to not get mad at me when she shows up late and that his parents have an agreement when he goes with bio mom and I can't control when she comes around because he gets mad at me for her absenteeism. There are so many red flags with this kid and I feel bad for saying it just because he had said before when he gets angry he wants to hit people and he also doesn't understand when he's doing something borderline creepy which makes me question if something is happening at his bio mom's- like yesterday he unzipped his pajama onesie and grabbed his half-brother's hand (my son's) and tried to stroke it down his unzipped belly area and I snipped at him out of horror. I told him it was inappropriate and to never do that again and all he said in reply was "why?" I don't know if it was an innocent misunderstanding but still creeped me out because he always looks at my son weird and says "he looks good" and was another reason I'll never trust him alone with my son- the other him not respecting boundaries and being aggressive/quick to anger. He also knows how to push buttons to make me upset and won't stop when I tell him how hurtful it is and how I don't treat him the way he treats me. I'm just hoping the therapist he'll see actually does something about him and gives a clear diagnosis so it'll be easier for me to try to navigate this. I've helped siblings raise their kids since I was in middle school, and I've never encountered a child who acted so bad before my stepson.
Have you told your husband
Have you told your husband about his son's sexual abuse of your child? I'd make sure to tell his therapist, too. You need a record of this, and I would NEVER leave this kid with your child unless YOU are there.
gets me in trouble or spreads
Um no! If that bio mom has so much to say then she needs to come get her son and take her 50% custody like she agreed.
Your husband is wrong for not helping you more with his son.
Never leave that kid alone with your child.
During that same call she
During that same call she made it clear she was never interested in coming for more time than her 4 days a month plus holidays, so as much as I used to care about not wanting her trying for more because of her negative influence I kind of wouldn't care anymore at this point if she tried to have him more because it weighs on me so much when he acts out and doesn't listen at all. Sometimes I wonder if all of my efforts are for naught trying to raise him into an upstanding man and if I should just completely focus my efforts on my son solely to make sure I can bring up a wonderful man who wouldn't treat people like that and to stop blaming myself for how my stepchild acts or how he will continue to act. I don't know if it's pathetic of me or not to even think that but I feel like an oversqueezed tube of toothpaste right now trying to be the responsible person who stepped up while also trying to make sure my own child has proper values and morals and doesn't learn how to treat people like his half-brother does. I really appreciate you lending an ear. It's nice to just let some pressure go.
she made it clear she was
Me (if I were you dealing with trifling ass bio parents who want to half ass parent, lurk in the background, cause endless drama for no reason): "look Betty - your son needs a mother more than 4 days a month but since you're unwilling and incapable then you are going to pay MAXIMUM child support for the other 26 days....cause im in the child support office rn filling out the paperwork and trying to figure out if I should report you for neglect in the process"
"Betty we can do this the easy way or the hard way....the choice is up to you"
I agree. If little Damian can
I agree. If little Damian can cry to his Mommy, then Mommy calls your DH and YOU get chewed out, the red flags start with your husband. I do not think you should tolerate this disrespect. There is no winning with this guy. Cut your losses. A screwed up skid, a disordered BM, and your husband takes BM's side over yours? There is nothing good here and nothing worth "saving." Except yourself and your child. Document every abusive creepy thing your stepkid does, every violent thing your husband does (throwing things in anger at you, even if they don't hit you, is abuse.) Get yourself and your child away from this shitshow.
This little F-nugget called
This little F-nugget called you a bitch? Oh hell no.
Let DH know that his disrespectful failed family shit spawn is our of your home unless daddy is present and in direct (arms lengh) contact with that little shit.
I would have turned him over my knee and blistered his disrespectful 6yo ass if he pulled that shit with me.
Grrrr.
Parents who raise shit like this cannot be tolerated to allow the invasion of that shit in the lives of their new mate and new children.
Ever.
Put cameras with microphones everywhere in your home and have fun video viewing with daddy every time this little F-tard pulls this shit. That your DH does not have his foot constantly up the asses of his poor choice in failed family breeding partners and their shit puddle shallow gene pool spawn makes him a write off IMHO.
Do not tolerate this ill behaved shit kid or its fathers parental failures. You nor your little one need that crap in your lives.
Grrrr. Again.
Press charges and get an RO
Press charges and get an RO/PO for his mollesting your kid. Daddy can either pull his head out of his ass and protect the others in teh family or find himself divorced.... again.
Grrrrr.