Am I overreacting?
So BM drops off SD today after her weekend visit and SD has a stuffed animal with her (BM and her BF are smokers, and smoke all weekend long in a tiny apartment. I have a 7 month old and told her that the animal had to go back to her place because of second and third hand smoke on it. She tells me I'm overreacting. I tell her that this is my house and it is smoke free. She then proceeds to tell me that I can just wash it, so I just say if you want to poison your child I can't stop you, but you don't get to poison mine. Her response is to keep the animal away from my LO. DH steps in and tells her to bring it home with her. WTF is this chicks problem with understanding that her disgusting smoke stained items need to stay at her house. Is it trying to control what's happening at my home? Does she really think it's not poisonous? I can't stand her disregard for me, my child and my home....let alone smoking all weekend with her kid there. SD smells so bad, as soon as she gets home she has to shower and I have to wash her jacket,boots,clothes....etc. Then she has the nerve to tell DH that we are sending messages to SD that her mom stinks and is hurting her....if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck 
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^^^This, 100%. I grew up
^^^This, 100%. I grew up with a mother who CHAIN smokes (still, 3 packs a day) inside the house, car, etc. All of my friends in school thought *I* smoked because I constantly reeked of it. I've never smoked in my entire life (I'm 40).
I like Cheri's suggestion of having an identical "lovey" stuffed animal that stays at your house that way she's not carting the smoke-infested one to your place. If an identical one can't be found easily, maybe take SD shopping for one she can designate as her special friend for YOUR home only. If that's not the solution, then just wash the one she brings over every single time.
My DD is FIFTEEN and still brings the stuffed husky dog she's had since she was a baby every time she comes out to visit. We ended up having to have a hotel ship it back to us when we took a road trip last year because she left it behind and couldn't sleep for days. She's a tough chick, but loves her animal and has a hard time sleeping without it
You are overreacting. First,
You are overreacting.
First, she doesn't smoke all weekend just to control you. She smokes because she's addicted.
I know some BMs try to do anything to gain control, but I'm pretty sure this isn't it.
A smelly toy can't harm your child. That is NOT second or third-hand smoke. Nothing can happen. Sure, it's a disgusting scent to someone who doesn't smoke, but it is not harmful. It's no longer smoke, just the smell of it.
My pediatrician told me that
My pediatrician told me that even smoke on a smoker's clothing can be bad for baby. (DH smokes, but not in the house)I agree with poster, her house, her baby, if it bothers her she has every right to ask that the animal go back home.
I agree with you though, I don't think that BM was purposly trying to "control" her household... most smokers wouldn't even realize that an item reeks of smoke, because they are immune to it.
I completely disagree with
I completely disagree with you. Second and third hand smoke is harmful to others.
Fabrics absorb smoke and nicotine and if I come in contact with it, it sets off my asthma and can put me out for several days.
So if I'm sensitive to it, that means a newborns' little lungs are as well.
^^ YES!!! BM is a heavy
Smokers are around the smoke smell so much that they're immune to it. But as soon as a smoked-infested item enters a no-smoking home, you can smell it! And I can understand how it might make you feel as if you're clean home is being invaded - that's how I feel sometimes when the smoke smell is really bad on the skids!
A simple "that smells like
A simple "that smells like smoke and the smell bothers me, it needs to stay at your house" should have been enough to solve it. If she insists on sending stinky items, toss 'em in a garbage bag (not in front of SD) and stick the bag in the garage until it's time to send it back to BM's with SD.
(crawling out of my hole of
(crawling out of my hole of lurk-dom)
Whereas I do agree with a few of the other posters, her smoking is about addiction I do not agree that you are overreacting. At all.
Stand firm. No smoking items around your baby, including stuffies.
Kathc said it perfect. "No smoking items around me or the babe. Keep them at your house." Then bag anything.
Honestly, I would keep some of those plastic grocery sacks around for just that purpose.
Katie
You are over reacting wash
You are over reacting wash the stuffed animal and move on. My mom smoked and my SM made us kids suffer for it, we were hosed down with air freshener at the door and listened to her berate us for "reaking like your mother" clothes were thrown out toys thrown out rather than washed. I hated going back to my dad's every 2nd day. Till I hit 13 the air freshner came out I grabbed her hand and said "Spray me with that crap again I'll hit you with it, your out of line have been for years, I'll shower now and wash my clothes stop abusing us for what our mother does." She hit me with the can for that I hit back, but I was done being mentally and emotionally and physically abused. She never sprayed me again, she'd let me walk by and spray my siblings till they stood up to her. Wash the damn stuffed animal stop being such a freak to punish a kid for a parents choice. UGh rant over.
Spraying a kid with air
Spraying a kid with air freshner is RUDE. Obviously this was not acceptable. I think there are better ways to handle this situation while still protacting the kids. We have had conversations with SS about how bad the smoke is for his lungs and when ANYONE lights up near him he needs to get out of the area. If something comes home stinky, I was it and DH will give a subtle reminder to walk away when his mom is smoking. Second hand smoke kills. We never talk poorly of her. We never put her down. We encourage her to QUIT so she can be around for SS's life and not die of cancer. SS has caught on to THAT. He begs her to quit. There are polite ways of handling situations like this.
Spraying a child down with air freshner is NOT the answer. Educating and eliminating the odor without being rude is fine. (IMHO)
Oh wow
Your SM was dead wrong, spraying you. I understand banning stuffed animals, though, especially in the age of dust mites and bed bugs. The tobacco and chemicals can trigger allergies and asthma and can contribute sudden infant death.
There are many articles and
There are many articles and studies about the effect of "third hand smoke". I am with you on how unhealthy and annoying it is. We have both mentioned it to BM in the past when SS's comes home reaking like a bar fly. DH has also confronted her about pictures she has with him standing next to her while she is smoking. I can't imagine someone being ok with putting their child at risk like that. It baffles the mind.
There is always the option of taking her to court to order that she NOT smoke in the presence of the child or in the living space of the child 24 hours prior to and during visits. I have seen it done more than a few times.
BM here actually listens to us when we tell her to stop doing something stupid that is blatenly bad for SS. So we are kinda lucky. We have not had to go to court over this... yet. But I would not hesitate to do so.
Sorry, my grandmother died of lung cancer, she never smoked a day in her life. My grandfather did.
do you own a washer? it is
do you own a washer? it is very simple, the child brings it you wash it and give it back.
this toy is not anything
this toy is not anything "special" she's 8 and does not have a security toy anymore...just to clarify the control statement, DH has told BM already a few times that items are not going to be passed back and fourth, but she disregards and continues so then we have to tell SD the toy can't stay here and we look bad. I would NEVER spray my SD with air freshener...that's borderline abusive....I could wash it and move on but it's more a respect issue.