I suspect her mother isn't thrilled with the idea of her coming to be with your guys and has the kid nervous. So if the kid had one accident (for any reason, not related to coming to be with you guys) the BM interpreted as "its there fault", made that known to SD4, coddled and babied SD4 because she felt sorry for her. Made coming to your house seem like a bad thing and the cycle continues. I bet it stops when she gets to you guys because you won't make a big deal about it.

Wow. What kind of relationship do you have with them usually? Is this kind of out of left field, or have they been negative about your SO/relationship with your SD before? That's just so odd....

My mother tells me my marriage to DH is going to fail its only a matter of time because unless I can open my heart and arms and accept the skids as my own - it will never work.

I hear this often - how I don't try hard enough, how I am too cold, how I should embrace them not shut them out, how she can see I have walls up around the skids, how its my job to do right by DH and raise his kids.

SO I waited her out - this is year 4. My XH recently remarried. I said, mother, XH isn't around on his night anymore and wants me to leave the girls there anyway with his wife, she can make them dinner and do homework with them. My mother snaps - no you should take them, they aren't her kids, its not her job its your job.

I said, point made...

She shut her mouth... I am sure it will be open and flapping again. So she is the queen of double standard.