I kind of agree. If someone new to this scene asks me for advice on stepfamilies I tell them not to do it. It doesn't even matter how much things are talked about beforehand, once you get married things and expectations do change. Let's see...i had always told myself I wouldn't date a man with kids or that was divorced. I just didn't want that for me. My parents have been married 40 years, no divorce in extended family either. In college you don't run into single dads anyway so it wasn't a problem. After I graduated though I met dh. Ncp of a then 4year old. Very handsome. It started off as nothing really serious. Then it progressed to I was 25 and pregnant with his baby! Oops. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all my heart and love our now 3 kids together, but had I no gotten pregnant I would have liked to take things slower. Then I would've learned more about his situation with cs, bm, ss without just being thrown into it. I am lucky though. I don't have some of the same probs as some because my dh and his ex were never married. They dated in hs and broke up shortly after ss was born. So being each others first (and hopefully only) marriage has been easier I think in some ways.

Hmmm... what would compel me to marry my SO who has kids? Love, companionship, common likes/dislikes, etc. I realize that what I'm about to say will be unpopular with some, but here goes.... I'm marrying the man, not his kids and certainly not his exW. As a matter of fact, I'm marrying him despite all of that, lol. This idea of people w/ kids only marrying other people w/ kids OR singles marrying only singles is ridiculous. It's almost like (and please do not take offense b/c none is intended) saying blacks should not marry whites, Catholics should not marry Jews, etc. I believe it is sometimes our differences that make us stronger together.

The fact is, most of the issues about SK's (as someone else stated) is about parenting style. It is obvious that even the divorced BP's had major differences in parenting styles. It gets carried over in to new marriages/relationships and the SP's become the scapegoats. Maybe the real question should be this..... why do people who haven't got a clue, as far as 'how to parent', keep breeding???? I mean hell, there is such a double standard when it comes to the kids of divorce. Many times the house rules are polar opposites from one Bio house to the other. Is it such a stretch that it can happen in the same house? Suddenly we (SP's) are expected to fix all the ills from a dead marriage/relationship that had absolutely nothing to do with us?

Now add to the equation the sometimes extreme territorial behaviors of most BM's and a few BD's. This makes for more chaos. Also add that kids (whether from divorced parents or not) learn how to manipulate....how to play both sides to get what they want. Good grief, you're making a very broad stroke from a very narrow brush.

I do not like this whole broken home terminology either. My SO's kids were living in a 'broken home' long before the divorce came about. These kids will grow up, marry, and have kids of their own someday. The divorced BP has that same right.... to marry whomever he/she chooses.....kids or not.

I have been told that my parenting style makes Atila the Hun look tender. I am about accountability. Fortuneately so is my wife.

Maybe that is unfortunate for our son (my SS) but he has the example of a loving, tender successful marriage between two equity partners who are intellectual, educated, professional equals.

I do not necessarily agree that single people with no children should not marry people with children. I absolutely believe that StepParenting is likely the most difficult volunteer job on the planet. However, when the marriage/adult relationship is the priority of both partners and the children are the beneficiaries of that relationship a strong family can result that can raise all of the children (yours/mine/ours) to viable adulthood.

I do not consider our family home broken. We may not be the initial family but we are the intact family in our son's (my SS's) blended family world and the only family of any redeeming quality or character in SS's situation.

We have created a viable family and raised a pretty good kid in spite of his toothless moron SpermClan and the SpermIdiot who claims to be SS's "father". Thank God the most poluted genes in my Skids gene pool stained the sheets instead of making it in to his genetic make up.

I am not sure that is the case with my son's (SS's) three younger half sibs. The jury is still out on them. I believe that those kids are likely doomed. They are screwed on both sides of the Nurture Vs. Nature coin. They have a poluted gene pool and are being raised by a clan of toothless dipshits.

A marriage that creates a blended family can be viable and valuable for all envolved. Particularly for the children who have to deal with a BioParent incapable looking out for their best interests. When Mom or Dad marry a person of character and quality it is good for the kids and it can be extremely rewarding for the Sparent.

IMHO of course.

Best regards,

You are aware that many SK's (as well as BM's) create the constant chaos in the remarried home??? You keep talking about compatibility issues. Well, apparently, there were some real compatibility issues between the BP's while married, and no doubt more so after the divorce. Did you take in to consideration that maybe it is the BP's responsibility to make sure that things run smoothly? I can tell you that in at least 80% of the situations here, that is just not happening. As SP's we are expected to do all the dirty work, yet we get very few, if any kudos for the time and effort we put in. We are constantly told (sometimes by our own spouses/SO's) by the BP or the SK's themselves, that we have no rights. Sure we wipe their noses, we wipe their a$$es, we feed, clothe, protect, educate, offer a shoulder to cry on, etc.....but when it comes to major decisions, we are told NOT YOUR KID. I cry foul on that.
So, in your world only parents w/kids should marry other parents w/kids? Well, what if THOSE parenting styles clash? And make no mistake, they do. What if someone with 2 kids from a previous marriage/relationship marries someone with kids from their previous marriage.... what if the parenting styles are so polar opposite that the relationship/marriage ends???? What then? Who gets the blame when that happens? And again, make no mistake, it certainly does. Nothing in life is a guarantee. Whether you start out fresh in a marriage and bring children in to this world or if you brought children in to this world with someone else. Life is always a gamble. To reduce it to the commonality that you have, is irritating.
You should know, I say this on behalf of the women (and men) here, who actually have the ba!!s to do this thankless job, day in and day out. On a personal note, I refuse to have ANY face to face contact with my SO's (DFH's) children. For me, I made the right decision. When they come to the age of majority, I will attempt a cordial friendship with them...on MY terms. This means that I do not have to kiss their a$$ or the a$$ of their psychotic BM. Oh and my SO, is fine with my decision.

As far as my marrying him and not his kids. I will always shout that from the rooftops. Yes, they are his kids and I will be respectful of their relationship. That is all I'm required to do. That doesn't make me heartless, it makes me practical.