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A New Low for Me

OutOfToiletPaper's picture

Submitted by OutOfToiletPaper on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 9:03pm

So, at 5:45am this morning, BM calls. I was pretty pissed. Unless one of the skids is ill, or worse, there should be no calls until a reasonable time. DH told her in the past - no calls before 7:30am unless its an emergency.

Well, DH hits ignore and we lay here awake. DH says I hope my kids are okay..she didn't text or leave a message. I told him then don't worry about it. If there was something wrong with one of the kids, she would have left a message or texted you to call her back. Maybe she hit your number by mistake.

I have to get up and get in the shower, and DH texts to BM, "Is everything okay?" Oh she calls immediately, crying and carrying on that her step-father died. She said she only called because SS8 told her she should "call Daddy and tell him". Yeah right! DH asked to talk to the kids and she had to go get them. So, yeah use the kids as an excuse, like she always does for everything.

DH expresses that he's very sorry to BM and the skids. BM gave him a play by play of every single moment. I'm getting annoyed listening to her cry and carry on to DH. Once the call ends, DH is crying in our bedroom. I'm not surprised, I know he loved the guy. It hurt a little though.

I do understand the need for DH to know - but do you have to call at 5:45 in the morning? And then you keep DH on the phone to tell him every single little detail? I guess my annoyance here is that instead of simply delivering difficult information, she was looking for my DH to comfort her. This has been a recurring theme quite a bit lately. I'm losing patience with it.

This incident comes at the heels of BM and my mother hooking up in August and the two of them emailing back and forth on a regular basis, discussing us and everything I've ever confided in my mother about BM and the skids. BM has confronted us twice now on my private feelings that I confided in my mother the previous year. Can any of you imagine how that makes me feel? If you hadn't guessed, I'm not over that, and I don't think I ever will be.

This also comes at the heels of two inappropriate texts BM sent to DH..one of her asking him if he remembers what they were doing on this date together 10 years ago, with a description of the event, and the other one? Her asking DH why he hasn't called the kids in such a long time, and then admitting that the kids hadn't asked, that she was only asking because she wanted to know how he was doing and if he's okay.

So, to sum everything up, I am someone who has utmost compassion for people. I always try to see the good in everyone. When I reflect upon myself and today's events, and some of the horrible thoughts and feelings that I have had, I hate who I am. I hate who this situation has made me become. I am swimming in complete and utter hatred and cannot see past that. I did not feel bad for her today. I felt like saying...I don't have my mother anymore thanks to you, and now your stepfather is gone and you will be without him as well. Maybe now we are even. But, we aren't. Not really.

This isn't even who I am...or who I was. But I guess this is who I have become. I'm writing it all here with the expectations that most of you will say that I am shit, and you're right, I am. I have a lot to work through. I just don't know how. I just want to be who I was, not this monster that I've become.

Comments

learningallthetime's picture

Submitted by learningallthetime on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 9:13pm

No, you are not shit! You are someone who has dealt with someone who you trusted siding with the "enemy". I cannot imagine how it must feel to have your own mother talking with the BM. That is beyond low, and I cannot conceive of how either one of them thought that would be ok.

As an ex-SM, who now deals with the constant crap of being BM3 for my ex, I know it is extremely hard to deal with the drama, but ultimately my family is mine, and his is his. I am friends with BM2, but we were friends when I first was with ex, so there should be no surprise there (yet somehow there is!).

I completely understand why you are hurt, this is the ultimate betrayal. I remember being in trouble at 16 (I was a bad kid) and one day my mom said "no matter what you do I am your mom. I may react in a way you do not like or understand, but just know I am reacting in the way I think is best". That has stuck with me. When I was with now ex my parents cut me off. I could not understand, it hurt, we were hurting and they were not there. Yet, as soon as I left ex, they were right there for me. That was their way. But, they would never ever side with someone over me.

I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

OutOfToiletPaper's picture

Submitted by OutOfToiletPaper on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 9:27pm

Thank You for your support. Reading my own post was painful. I have so much work to do get to a better place.

I feel like BM is really laying it on thick because I know my mother told her that she felt I feared that DH would want to get back together with BM. To clarify, this is not a fear that I have. Even if I died, he would never go back to her. But, my mother put that bug in her ear, and now she's going to really see what she can get away with. For BM, its all in good fun...now that my mother has given her some insight into what bugs me. She's just going to go for the gusto.

You mention that you cannot believe that either would be okay with this, and what you need to know is - these are two very unbalanced people, both lacking any boundaries. Clearly.

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

Submitted by Stupidlyoptimistic on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 1:06am

Fearless,

Due to your attitude and "in your face" advice I've been reading lately,..

I'm developing a girl crush on you. Blum 3

I'm pretty sure you are my twin. We think a lot alike.

Amara's picture

Submitted by Amara on Fri, 12/20/2013 - 10:55pm

You have every right to be upset. BM knows exactly what she's doing and is doing so in full violation of your marriage and relationship with DH. You are definitely not shit. You're not even close to being in the wrong on this one - BM is. You haven't decided to become a person who sees the bad in this woman - she has forced you into this. And seeing the bad in this woman does not make you a bad person in the slightest - certainly not a monster. I wish you wouldn't beat on yourself like this - this is a bad situation with no fault being laid at your feet over it.

Stupidlyoptimistic's picture

Submitted by Stupidlyoptimistic on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 1:11am

If BM ever called my DH for sympathy, I would likely snatch the phone out of his hand and hang up on her. Then, I would smack him upside the head with said phone. Luckily, DH refuse to answer BM's calls since the sight, sound, or thought of BM makes him physically ill.

As for your mother, I have no words. I'm so sorry that you are dealing with such a horrible betrayal by someone who should be your closest confidant. ((((HUGS))))

grow-a-nut's picture

Submitted by grow-a-nut on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 1:57am

All of the above but add scared, spineless, lazy, shit for brains, brain dead.

Cadence's picture

Submitted by Cadence on Sat, 12/21/2013 - 8:29am

BM is leaning on DH to comfort her. This matter had nothing to do with the skids (other than helping them mourn if they knew BM's stepdad). I understand that he knew this man too, but a simple notification was all DH needed and he should not have let her take it further. Instead, BM reached out for comfort and emotional intimacy, and your DH bought right into it.

Your problem is with DH, not BM. DH needs boundaries to be able to break out of the habits and brainwashing that BM has imposed upon him about what coparenting is (hint, she thinks it means still acting like he's married to her when she wants that). Once you reach that point of emotional separation between DH and BM - which DH will have to force, as BM will not go quietly into the night - then you will find peace.

Your DH giving to BM emotionally is taking energy away from your marriage. It is, in a sense, cheating. Is it appropriate for him to be letting any other woman in his life who he isn't married to or related to cry on his shoulder? And lean on him in times of crisis? No. It simply is not appropriate for a married man.

I'd be furious if I were you. Count on DH to play dumb. "What? Her stepfather died and she was upset. I was just being nice."

Wait for a calm moment. Approach him to talk about this and try to keep anger out of it. You don't want him to go on the defensive. Ask him what that scenario might have looked like if he had boundaries with his ex. It might look like him receiving notification from BM (if she was sane), or even by the phone call that he actually received. As soon as she drifted off into how she is feeeeeeling, he would interrupt and say "I'm sorry for your loss. My concern here is the kids. I'm fine with whatever arrangements need to happen so that they can attend any services. Let me know those details when you find out. Take care." and then hang up. And if he himself needs to do some grieving, he should be turning to the woman he is married to, not crying on the phone with BM.

If he is stubborn and you need to take action to prove your point, perhaps you should have a male fried start contacting you in search of emotional connection. DH's often don't notice the implications of their actions until they have something similar happen to them.