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Step daughter won't help herself!

Oklahoma Dad's picture

Submitted by Oklahoma Dad on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 1:13pm

My wife and I go pick up my step daughter in Florida while her ex-boyfriend is in jail, I know right real winner! They have a little boy 6 months old. The relationship is very rocky with physical fights, verbal abuse, lies, cheating and jail. We move her to Oklahoma with an agreement that we will help her make a safe and better life for them both. She is to get her license, car and her own place with our help of course. At six months the ex-boyfriend gets out of jail and makes his way to Oklahoma, not good! He comes to the house, cops are called big scene in front of my neighbors. Anyway, it's been a year so far no license or car. She makes attempts to get license and car just to keep us quiet. We have had talks with her and all she does is make excuses. She is 24yrs old that acts like a teenager, talks back to us, acts like we don't know anything. It's been tough on our marriage, my wife sides with her daughter at times knowing her daughter is wrong. It's been really stressful, I am in fear that I will have to kick the step daughter out to save our relationship and hope that my wife don't follow her daughter. Not sure what to do about all this. 

 

Comments

Major Blunder's picture

Submitted by Major Blunder on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 1:23pm

Been there and still there.  Best thing is for you and DW to have a conversation, possibly with a counselor if that is possible, about boundaries and expectations (not easy thing to do I know).

Not knowing your complete situation , you may want to disengage from the SD to save your sanity and allow it all to fall to DW to care for her.

There is alot of information about disenaging here on the site.  Keep venting here, best possible thing I can advise, has helped me alot !

Oklahoma Dad's picture

Submitted by Oklahoma Dad on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 3:06pm

We've set goals, boundaries and expectations but she will not work on them or even try to achieve them. Disconnecting myself may save my sanity though.  Thank you for your comment!

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 1:24pm

Ughhhh.  Sounds horrible.  Unfortunately, your wife isn't doing her daughter any favors by enabling her.  I imagine that substance abuse of some kind was also involved and that means the daughter may need rehab type help too.  I had a former coworker who had a similar situation going on.. his daughter called daily for years getting money out of dad.. their child unfortunately died.. and I am really surprised that there weren't some kind of repurcussions because there had to be some cause that the parents were at fault... but I digress.

At this point, the daughter is a drowning victim that is pulling her rescuers down with her.  You may need to get some counseling with your wife so that she can see that it's not that you "hate" her daughter but that you hate seeing her continue to not thrive and the chaos it brings into your home.. and that you are afraid of losing HER in the process.

ProbablyAlreadyInsane's picture

Submitted by ProbablyAlready... on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 3:28pm

BM's parents enabled her all growing up... She's not a druggie, neglects the skids, is emotionally abusive to said skids and is psychotic... Every child she's had has simply been a man trap... Your wife needs to open her eyes. If DH doesn't want to change, she won't. There's a difference between helping clean up and enabling. Enabling is the worst thing you can do for someone imhol

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 4:15pm

Since DW won't listen to you, my best suggestion is counseling. Joint if wife will go with you. You alone if she won't.

 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 6:30pm

My OSD is troubled like yours (drugs, crime, men in jail) plus mine has a child (unknown father, slept with too many men at the same time).  When I’ve met my DH I told him that under no circumstances she’ll ever live with us. Never. I’d take s minor child if need to but not her. If he ever brings her to live with us, I’ll be done. I’d help if need to with this or that but she’d never spend a night. My DH agreed. It will never happen. Tell your Wife that you are leaving

I had to add that OSD did try once to just stay overnight and the other time to move in “for few months”. DH values me too much and would never jeopardize our marriage so the answer was NO. 

 

Oklahoma Dad's picture

Submitted by Oklahoma Dad on Wed, 08/01/2018 - 8:34pm

I want to thank everyone for commenting. It has made me realize I'm not crazy and I'm on there right track. This encouragement will definitely help me stand up for my home and what is right. Helping my SD is good only if they want to help themselves. I think she needs a little shove to help get along, again thank you all!