CRAP! not again.....
Soooo much for my nice quiet life.
If u guys are familiar with me and my posts, you will know that for 10 years, my sons dad has been remarried. My son is 13. It has been a fairly quiet ride, with barely any drama from him in the last few years, and no SM drama at all. That's not saying THEY haven't had their own drama.
I only was involved in their mess on a need to know nasis and that was fine by me. Their history, is last year they split, and I know my was was seeing other people, and from various sources, he has been a dog most of their marriage. (he cheated on me too) but I didn't put much concern into their oroblems. Last year he was being overly nice to me, and making some questionable suggestions, but I laughed it off.
My bff of a trillion years actually owns a bonding company. I git the call this am that bs dad was in jail, on multiple counts, including aiming a gun and someone, family violence etc. He had one charge of battery from me a long time ago, long forgitten.
Apparently his wife, sons BM has been seeing someone else, and told exH about it, and he lost it. Hmm. I can see exactly what happened, and I see why he was pissed (how dare she do to him, what he has been doing to her)
He even took off to Florida with a 'Friend' last year.
My concern is obviously with my son. My sons dad is in jail. My bff signed a bond for ex-mil to get him out, and set up payments, with her clear statements to ex-mil that the ONLY reason she was doing this is because of child support for me, and for Bs13.
My problem is, what do I do now? I am armed with this info, which is prob plenty to keep bs from dad for many years. If I choose to ignore it, and let bs continue to visit under uncertain and unknown circumstances am I not doing my job as a mom? Unknown meaning, living situation, 'the just divorced party til u drop' disease that consumes recently jolted spouses, instability etc. Granted bs is old enough to nearly fend for himself, and would hate to have to force my hand if he wants to go, but I'm firm at this moment.
I haven't had any issues with the ex, or his wife. As far as I know, there haven't been any problems that my son was witness to, or involved in. ExH hasn't done anything to indicate to me that this is something that happens regularly. I get it. He snapped. But he obviously has a small pattern of this happening.
And if I don't pull the plug now, and decide to use it later, will it even be considered?
- notagain2012's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
You absolutely need to get
You absolutely need to get temporary legal custody and protect your child. Ask him what has been going on and see what you find out. There may have been more than you think. His dad pulled a gun on someone, he is not in his right mind.
If I were in your situation,
If I were in your situation, I would be very unlikely to send my kid to stay with his dad while this mess was going on. I've had plenty of experience with abusive POSs, some were constantly abusive, some had their incidents spread thin over time. Some demonstrated their abusiveness towards me immediately, and some were only abusive towards others for years before finally turning it onto me. I would be hard pressed, in your situation, to think that ExH would never do anything remotely close to that towards my kid. He might never do that, but, in the back of my mind, I would worry about it regardless. I think you're wise to not ignore this.
I have full physical custody.
I have full physical custody. And visitation isn't really an issue. Bs was supposed to go with dad this weekend, but it never even came up. The only thing bs got was a I love you and always will thing. Bs has a cell phone, and even though exH lives 2 hours away, its our hometown so we have plenty of friends and family that couldn't pick up bs in an situation, and etc.
I feel like its an isolated incident, this is not something that happens everyday, and I really don't want to keep bs from dad, maybe just until this blows over. I'm not even sure how to tell, or should I tell bs that he may not be seeing dad for awhile. Esp if he ends up in jail. I can understand exH freaking out, but the whole gun thing, is a bit much.
Well, the simple battery was
Well, the simple battery was about 12 years ago. When we divorced. And now this one. But , yes, these are all I know of, and have no idea what has taken place in between with his wife etc. For all I know, it could have been ongoing problems with them, and this is just the first time I found out. My bff didn't see any other charges, so either he wasn't charged or wife never called police.
The previous charge was simple battery. This new one is simple assault, so it escalated. And the family violence I'm guessing is because their dtr was present? I don't know for sure. Bff rattled off a list of charges.
I really have no way of knowing. His temper was part of the reason we aren't together. The only positive is that his acts have been against wome., and never children.
This really puts me in quite a pickle.
It might just be me, but, I
It might just be me, but, I would never see his acts only being committed against women as a positive. What's he teaching your son by acting this way? That violence is OK if it is perpetrated against women?
Damn, ur right. Didn't see it
Damn, ur right. Didn't see it like that. Crap!
Hopefully ExH can own up to
Hopefully ExH can own up to his behavior on this one and can tell your BS that it's never OK to be violent towards anyone just because you're angry or upset with them. If not, you can help to instill that concept in him. Either way, I'm going to agree with oldone all the way that BS needs positive male role models in his life to show him that there is not one singular mold for "male".
At the moment, I haven't had
At the moment, I haven't had much time to mull it over. Visitation will have to be put on hold until this gets sorted out. I don't believe that will be a huge deal, considering exH has to drive a couple of hours to pick up bs, and exH has actually cancelled visitation before for certain reasons, often no gas money etc, but in light of things, it may have been because of issues he was having with his wife.
It just sucks! Ay some point I'm going to have to explain all this to bs, and right now I'm at a loss!
Thx cheri. I want to let my
Thx cheri. I want to let my son know, but not sure if I should. At some point, if dad hasn't spoken up, I will have to let the kid know what's going on, and why dad isn't answering his texts. I just hope dad Does so I don't have to.
I think both of you should
I think both of you should talk to your BS about the situation. Talk to him in an age/developmentally appropriate manner and let him know what's going on. Keeping things from kids backfires because they do figure out what's going on and then could wonder why their parents were keeping things from them. It dings the trust a kid has in their parents.
You don't have to say that his dad pulled a gun on his wife, but, you could tell him that he won't be able to see his dad for a while because his dad has things he needs to sort out because he had a fight with his wife that escalated to an inappropriate level. If he has questions, answer them as you see fit, but, also make sure that ExH will talk to him about it, but, be wary of the fact that ExH might not have an objective discussion about it with BS. It sounds like you might be more capable of doing that.
Thx. I asked bs if he had
Thx. I asked bs if he had heard anymore from dad, and he said no, and said to let me know when he does. I casually mentioned I think that dad and wife may be having some issues, but don't know the details. He just shrugged and said ok. He prob knows way more than I do, no telling what he has seen ya know. And he's not a dumb kid.
We will see how it plays out. I will try to wait it out and see if dad contacts him. I'm sure dad is worried that I will real out and keep bs from talking/seeing him so he is unsure to.
I'm just going to have to be more active in their relationship at this point. I have been somewhat staying out of it, letting them make do.... But this changes things.
Sigh. So frustrating.
It is frustrating, especially
It is frustrating, especially because you don't know what your BS knows or has seen and if ExH has been like this more in the past and has only just been charged for this one instance.
And I agree, this definitely changes thing. Without this, there really wouldn't be a reason to be more active in their relationship, but, knowing this, it's kind of hard to stay out of it completely :/
I'm not sure how your relationship is with ExH, but, perhaps talk to ExH? Express your concerns?
I have no idea what to tell
I have no idea what to tell you about visitation, etc.
But it crucially important that your son have a positive male role model in his life. Preferably several.
I am older. I've seen over and over again when the dad is a serial cheater and everyone looks the other way it becomes ingrained in the son (or daughter) that this is normal behavior. WRONG
Your son needs to be raised understanding that while he can and should love his father he should not follow in his footsteps.
Many men especially boys in the 50s sort of grew up with the tacit understanding that "boys will be boys".
The things I've been told by male friends (not boyfriends).
"Sure I see other women but never in the same town as my wife. I respect her too much."
"I haven't slept with nearly as many other women as I could have."
"What my wife doesn't know won't hurt her."
blah blah blah
Is anyone vomiting yet?
These men actually believe they are good husbands.
A real man doesn't need to keep acquiring extra ass on the side to prove his manhood.
Blech! It baffles me that
:sick: Blech! It baffles me that people think that way and that they think that it's acceptable and normal to carry on a relationship that way, oldone.
i think the ones that sleep
i think the ones that sleep around are the ones that are very insecure with their masculinity. i have an ex like that. screwed around on me daily, and was very insecure, though he tried to come off like he was the most arrogant and confident bastard in the world. i guess if i was a guy and was using my gf's b&bw's products when getting ready to go to the bar for the night, i would have issues with my manhood, too. yes, he really did do that.
*snicker* I think you're on
*snicker* I think you're on to something there. In thinking about it, the guys I know who have slept with the most ludicrous numbers of women have been the guys that go against the societal definition of what it means to be a man in other ways. I dated a guy once who manscaped and he had slept with so many women that I got too skeeved to continue the relationship after I found out. Heck, my one friend's current boyfriend shops at B&BW regularly, and, his claim is that he has slept with so many women he has lost count.
this one was very much not a
this one was very much not a man. he spent way more time getting ready than i did, wanted to go clothes shopping all the time, very concerned about his appearance, even did steroids cuz he thought his scrawny ass was going to get up to the 200's in pure muscle. (eye roll). he got livid if another man even looked at me, yet he was screwing around constantly. he joined the army at 26, (a decision he made in a manic episode of his untreated bipolar disorder), he spit on my windshield and called me names the day he left, then that night he was calling me scared. called me crying daily from boot camp. snuck off to use phones to call and cry when he wasn't supposed to, cuz he was scared. he ended up leaving after a couple weeks in AIT. got discharged for being unstable because he said he was gonna kill himself. that was in 03, and to this day, he goes around telling people he is an army medic because he did boot camp and 2 weeks of training. he uses that to try to make people think he put in real time, saw war, and sewed up wounded soldiers. he never left the damn barracks!
yeah, mf'r has major issues!
*blink blink* Woooooooooooow.
*blink blink* Woooooooooooow. Where do these people come from???
Its the same with girls and
Its the same with girls and thier mothers Oldone, BM was a serial cheater, still has a new live in bf every 5 mos or so. She was/is actually ticked at her ex, My SO because he wouldnt continually forgive her and take her back after the last time when she left him and filed for Divorce. She says "we were/are married, you have to forgive me and get over it even if it happens again and again because marriage is forever."
AND she actually teaches her girls, my 5SDs this philosophy........
Lol, what?? She actually
Lol, what?? She actually thinks that being married means she can act like a complete beast towards her husband and that he HAS to forgive her? roflmao. Oh, boy. I feel bad for your SDs if this is what she's teaching them...
yep yep, and thats why the
yep yep, and thats why the SDs are so ticked at thier dad (my SO) because he was supposed to take BM Back and thats why they and BM hate me because I am the reason he wont go back with her and didnt get back with her. She has told them for the last 3 years that marriage is forever and if there was no me he would go back with her. I wish he would just explain to them all INCLUDING BM, that if there was no me, there would still be no her.
BM is the same way.
BM is the same way. Apparently BM's mother cheated on her father which is why BMs parents are divorced. Her mom feels like he married her so he should have to take care of her and 22 years later she STILL thinks that BMs dad should be taking care of her and she's been remarried for 21 of those years. BM thinks that DH should have put up with her cheating and laziness and take care of her. She's pissed that he's with me and not taking care of her. She actually said that DH and I should be paying her rent and we should buy her a new car.
"Family values" however bad
"Family values" however bad being passed down to the next generation.
BINGO Oldone!
BINGO Oldone!
I agree about the positive
I agree about the positive role model thing. I did have a chat with my SO, and let him know what was going on. SO may have his issues, but he is the closet man around. He spent some time in BS room yesterday doing 'electronic' stuff, and I think he's sensitive to the issue, even though the real issue hasn't even started yet. Of course, when SS shows up, we will see how all that works out. My stepdad is the only other man really around my son at this point. I have cousins that live a few hours away.
I feel bad for my son at this point. I'm so disappointed in my exH right now I could just scream. His bond is 6000 bucks so I'm pretty confident there will be jail time. SM dad is an atty so they are surely gonna sock it to him.
Blagh!
Thanks for the suggestions everyone. I will keep it updated as we progress.