exfil passed away on the 2nd, he was able to make it home on hospice and that was because of me making desperate phone calls as an intern to the ambulance service who took him home because the family was afraid he wouldn't make it home as they were going to have to wait hours for the ambulance to do the transfer I convinced them to get them the next available truck. My exh was with him holding his hand his family filling the house. I got the call within moments of his passing from my bff his cousin. I called my dd and told her then cried. I was interning so sucked it up for the next 3 hours intending to tell ds as soon as I got home (he was at camp and SO was getting him for me). Especially since last weekends fiasco where his dad left it to his gf to tell our son what was going on and she failed miserably leaving it at "oh your dad's at the hospital your grandpas cancer is worse." Not anything about he's dying, he has maybe days nada. That was left to me I'm okay with that because I'm good at handling death talks and it helped prepare ds.
I got home and ds and dd had gone with their dad so ds got the news from his dad at least. They spent the next 2 days with him I got them back last night.
I've been a wreck since, I can't just go out there to the family's house even though I do for all holidays I just make sure it's short and work around ex and his gf being there. My own dd repeatedly warned me to leave exh alone right now I hadn't even thought to I want to see exmil and cousins and my exbil's and exh deals with me with fury when he's hurting so I don't even know how to tell him I'm sorry about his loss and I sure as heck don't want to make him mad (he's no stopped paying cs again isn't that nice).
More than anything I want to hug him it must be so hard for him and I guess his gf doesn't know what to do and keeps making weird inappropriate jokes to avoid tension and grief, I digress. Yet I stayed away and I haven't called or text him I don't even know if I should there is no exwife manual for this crap. I put nothing of fb till exh did, I only told my own parents. His cousin my bff has sort of kept me in the loop but it's not the same as being there for them. They are/were the best in laws ever, they did so much for us as young parents his dad gave him thousands to help us get ahead when he wouldn't work, and they did it for my kids.
There's to be a celebration of life I want to go as it will be open to the public; friends and family who knew him, I'm afraid I will be told to leave. These are people that invite me to all family events I'm in and out dropping off the kids say hi catch up real quick and scoot out soon as the ex arrives because I don't want him to be uncomfortable.
Worse today is my ds's birthday, tomorrow the 10 year anniversary of my grandmother's death the kids great grandma. ds said he feels cursed. His dad is having a birthday party for him this afternoon. I invite him and his gf every year to ours he refuses, I shouldn't be surprised I was told not to show up by my own kids, I was snarky and said I had no plans to be around assholes, I shouldn't of said it and dd apologized she knows I wouldn't just show up without an invite she was just mad she's been listening to exh's gf slam me over having the kids again for the fireworks (the kids ask to be with me and do our traditional 4th celebration and their dad never says no so that's on him I'm about to knock gf down a few pegs but I'm a big girl and just try and pretend I'm not pissed) I'm doing a small family party tomorrow I'm done inviting his father and such.
I'm hurt I miss my exil's, I miss my other family that had been my family my entire adult life 15 years I've only been divorced 2 1/2 and they are my kids family, I've been tossed aside and it hurts, and I miss my grandma so damn much, so very very badly it's just a reminder how alone I am.
Sorry I'm emotional like hell and hormonal too boot
I know this was long and rambling and not step related but I was sick of it all being in my head and needed it out, soon as the kids go with their dad for the afternoon I'm going to go cry in bed think