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Guess who is about to get officially uninvited to 4th of July?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 2:46pm

MIL just left a message on DH's phone. A crazy message. A message that said:

"*Big dramatic sigh* I thought I was going to hear from you this week. Am I ever going to see my granddaughter ever again? I know you guys are having something for July 4th and I don't even know if I'm invited to it. Call me back if you even care."

Do you know how she knows we're having a BBQ on July 4th? Because DH invited her this past Wednesday when she wanted to go out to dinner--to which she said never mind about dinner because then she'll just see everyone on the 4th. Apparently this past Wednesday's conversation didn't constitute as hearing from him this week.

He called her back, but she wasn't home (I'm a little afraid she might be driving her crazy ass down to our house right now) and left a message telling her this behavior is alarming and they need to talk about it. He's going to ask her if she's truly forgetting or if she's being passive aggressive. If she answers it's the first, he'll take her to the doctor's for dementia evaluation. If it's the second, then unfortunately he's going to have to officially limit our family's contact with her.

If she's actually forgetting and is in the early stages of dementia, then I can totally be understanding because I'm dealing with my grandfather's dementia right now. But from what I hear, MIL has been like this for most of her life, DH is just sick of it. FINALLY. Now that he's the only one that has to deal with her, he's SICK of it. You let me take it for five, almost six, years and now that you're the one who is being targeted, all of a sudden it's not okay (been two months since we implemented the whole deal).

Also, DH just left for Home Depot (he's fixing our shower which sprung a leak) with the expressed direction that I do not open the door if MIL shows up.

Comments

RayRay's picture

Submitted by RayRay on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 2:53pm

I don't know which is worse. Knowing someone has dementia or that they are purposely doing this to you.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 2:59pm

I can deal with dementia because I recognize it as an illness so I have far more compassion for someone with an illness than someone who is doing it to me on purpose. My grandfather is in the midst of it, and my parents are away often so it falls on me and my sister to take care of him (he lives with them and a caretaker).

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 07/02/2016 - 3:21pm

Agreed. Would much rather take dementia at this point. Dementia, there's support, help, places where you can place them when it becomes too much to handle. When someone actively intrudes on your life and tries to hurt you on purpose... is there really anywhere you can run?

z3girl's picture

Submitted by z3girl on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 2:54pm

Dementia is rough. My father has it, and at times he really drives me over the edge. The nastiness and accusations are awful.

My MIL is showing signs of dementia, and what makes it worse is that she was never a nice person to begin with. We make sure to keep in touch with FIL because dementia combined with an ugly and mean personality cannot be easy to cope with.

It doesn't sound like either of your options are good.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 3:07pm

I think it's especially hard if it's your own parent so I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it with your dad. My mom is having a tough time with my grandpa and sometimes she's so close to a nervous breakdown I have to tell her to step back and breathe because yes, they're doing it on purpose but not on purpose, if that makes any sense.

My grandpa has sundowner's syndrome so he's up at odd hours of the night, thinking that there are people in the house who are apparently coming through the dog door trying to steal his things. He hates his caretaker because he thinks he's stealing money from him that he doesn't have so he's gotten a bit aggressive recently with him. His latest escapade two days ago was leaving the house in the middle of the night, getting lost, then trying to get back into three other people's houses on our block until the police came and brought him back. We put number locks on the yard gate so worse case scenario is he's wandering the front yard. He recognizes us half the time. It's really hard. If he deteriorates any more my parents are considering sending him to a nursing home, but I don't think my mom is emotionally ready for it because she would feel super guilty.

With dementia, I can de-escalate the situation because I know what the triggers are for my grandpa and how to redirect his attention, and can probably learn for MIL--an illness like this is forgivable to me, but intentional maliciousness is not.

I have a fear my DH might develop it in the future because MIL's mom, and one of her sisters (she's one of seven) has it.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 3:09pm

It's funny how quickly these men get fed up once we stop taking the brunt of the blows for them, isn't it?

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 3:11pm

It blows my mind. Had I known this was all it would take I would have done this a LONG time ago. Would have saved me a whole lotta heartache, that's for sure.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 4:53pm

Yep. I dealt with OSD for 18 years while DH either ignored her narcissistic behavior or made excuses for it. After I disengaged, it took a mere three months for him to get fed up with her. Guess I'm a very slow learner.

notarelative's picture

Submitted by notarelative on Fri, 07/01/2016 - 4:20pm

Before I even finished the post my thought was dementia.
Your husband's options are going to depend on state law.

First step in getting help for dementia to try to get her to a neurologist. Depending on her Medicare supplement she may or may not need a referral from her primary care physician.

Also many people with dementia are reluctant to go to a neurologist. Some primary care docs will give the person another reason for seeing a neurologist to get them there.

My suspicion is that your MIL would rather have you believe she is passive aggressive or meddling or anything rather than she has dementia. If she has dementia you can't rely on what she says.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Sat, 07/02/2016 - 7:31am

We're talking to BIL about it who wholeheartedly supports getting her to see a neurologist, even though it's just covering our bases to be like, well we tried. Mainly because four of her other sisters, who don't/didn't have dementia are the same as her (from talking to their children.) All are passive aggressive, bow down to me, drama loving MILs. It's weird, must be how they were raised.