Guilt parenting by the SM?
I read a lot here about BF and BM guilt parenting the skids, but what about us stepmoms and dads? In some ways, I think I may be guilt parenting sd14. More often then not, SD arrives for her weekly visitation, I'll have left her something on her bed. Its usually not anything expensive, a book, a cool pen, a sweater I saw on sale that I thought she'd like, things like that. She never asks for anything, even getting her to let us know what she wants for Xmas is pulling teeth, and she always seems genuinely surprised and pleased not just for the gift, but more to have been thought of, that, more than anything, is what spurs me to buy her these things.
I just can't help but want to make up for the fact that SD comes last at BMs house. Her needs are met after everyone elses, and only then if BM isn't punishing her or feels like bothering. Last yr for Xmas BM's 2 yr old got a portable dvd player, a 2 yr old! worst of all, BM took it out of the box, and reused the box for SD's gift, a 10$ hair straightener, so when SD unwrapped it (wrapped in the reverse side of birthday paper BM happened to have) she thought, for a moment, she too got a dvd player. I mean, that's just CRUEL!
SD's birthday, BM didn't even give her a card. BM's parents had gifts for SD, so I guess she decided SD got enough and didn't need anything specifically from her mother, stepfather, and half sister. 
BM's 2 yr old, on the other hand, gets a disney princess themed birthday party.
So yes, I do feel bad for her, given all this. I'm more in tune with a teenage girls likes and dislikes than her dad, so I'm the one doing the purchasing, therefore these things aren't above and beyond things F gets for her, what I buy are the only extras she gets from us. I just started Xmas shopping for her yesterday. She wants to start scrap booking, a hobby of mine, so I had fun picking out lots of things for her, though I suppose I spent too much.
Anyone else doing this? I'm genuinely not trying to buy her love, merely encouraging areas of common ground between her father and I, and SD. Plus it makes me feel good righting some of the wrongs BM perpetrates on SD. At least with us she knows shes thought of, considered and valued.
Am I wrong?
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There's nothing wrong
withshowing interest in your skid's interests. And getting them presents isn't buying their love...it's another way to let her know that you care about her. I don't think anyone would think you were buying her love unless you were lavishing her with a new mercedes or something.
I think you should be commended on being so intuitive as to be able to pick up where the bio parents drop the ball. SD is lucky to have you!
Also it sounds like SD is the underdog in her bm's house, and you can't help but feel bad for her. So it is good that she's got you.
thank you for the
thank you for the affirmation little_teapot, until my injury I also made sure SD ate a homecooked dinner at the kitchen table w/ her dad and I. SD adores these meals and this time with her dad and me, joking, laughing, talking about current affairs with us. This above all else I think, is the gift she values and yearns for the most. A sad indictment against BM's household indeed, when a teenager prefers a homecooked meal with her father and stepmother to restaurant or take out with her friends....
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
I did in the beginning
Because I am a gifty person in general. Little things- cards, journals, something sentimental. SD used to try to use them to get BM to buy her something though, and it worked for a long time. Between that and the fact that Sd's now broken every breakable gift, and ripped up all pix of us together, DH and my wedding photo...I stopped.
My SD's affections are only available through purchase (BM's exFiance used to give SD 5 bucks a week to be nice to him- literally- that was the contractual agreement. So I wonder where she learned it.)
I think it's sweet you do it, and as long as SD shows gratitude for it I don't see a problem with it. I still do little things like that for my sons, but not as often. I try to do more activities with them rather than purchases- a movie every couple months, dinner or lunch out just us and BD two or three times a month etc. And if they want something special I allow them to work for it rather than just buy it. It seems to be fostering something positive in them, rather than the possibility of them thinking there should be a gift every other Fri. It may be different when you have FC too (we do with SD) and shared parenting (I do with my sons.) I wonder sometimes if when they only come EO weekend if it's more of a special event feeling, rather than they are just coming "home." Does that make sense?
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
it does make it easier that
it does make it easier that we only see her one night a week. I don't know that I could keep it up otherwise, especially the homecooked meals part!
my heart would break if SD destroyed the things I have given her. I can only imagine how it must feel to have your outstretched hand knocked away so coldly.
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
It did break my heart...
But was a lesson in letting go of expectations of SD appreciating things. She doesn't. She likely never will on a deep level.
But your SD seems to really appreciate all you do, and will likely remember how special you made her feel at the roughest part of her growing up.
And if she appreciates home cooked meals you must be doing something right!
"Om Tare Tutare Ture Mama Ayurpunye Jnana Putin Kuru Svaha"
~Sita Tara Mantra
I was like you, too, Sita
I am, by nature, a ''gift giver''. If I'm in the store and I see something little that reminds me of someone I care about, I usually get it for them- always have.
So when I met SDs, it came natural to do the same for them. Besides, I never had young girls before, so it was a chance to finally get all that ''cutesy'' stuff!! (Hair barettes, cool socks, little flavored lip balms, etc) Not all the time, but just every once in a while.
After a while, it became apparent that these little tokens were only not appreciated, they were callously discarded. I would find them under beds, dressers, behind trash cans, etc. So I wised-up and stopped.
I never expected a parade for my efforts, but a genuine 'thank you' would have been nice- and at least a modest effort to take care of the items I got them. But when you have EVERYTHING, why would you bother to take care of anything? At this point,, nothing is worth caring for when daddy will just buy you MORE...
And, to add insult to injury, SD16 told DH I was only being nice to them in order to 'suck up' to daddy- and not because I was really a nice person or liked them. Gee, I wonder where she got that idea from???? (Can you say BM? I know that you can!)
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I guess one of the upsides
I guess one of the upsides of having such a shamefully neglectful and inconsiderate BM, it wouldn't even occur to her to buy SD's love, BM is entitled to everything from everyone, including slave labor from SD. B/c of all this, even the smallest things I do are appreciated
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
thats apples and oranges
i've done the same for my skids. i love the hugs i get just for thinking of them. my bd-8 does it to. she loves making cards for no reason and sending them in the mail or crocheting a long rope as a gift for her sister ( she can't get the hang of turning around for a second row), or we'll pick up some random thing at the store while we're there to give at the next visit. they are all little artists, so it's usually just a new sketch pad, or new pencils.
it's not guilt parenting, it's shameless love, exactly what they deserve.
that makes me feel really
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
northernsiren, I can tell
that you really love your SD. I don't think you're guilt parenting at all. I mean, a home-cooked meal? A pen? It's not like you're making her the focus of everybody in the house - making her a princess, doing everything for her DESPITE her being ungrateful. You say she appreciates everything you do for her and that's a reason to continue.
A little tangent - DH and I were talking about Christmas, and he was depressed about shopping for SD. He said he was just going to write a check, because she wouldn't appreciate anything. I told him that some smaller gifts that showed he knows her interests would be better. Sheet music for her clarinet, a silver charm for the charm bracelet we got her last year (that she wears all the time) a couple of books by her favorite author... less money, more thought, and it's more appreciated.
Keep on as you're going, and you'll reap the benefits.
thanks NCMilGal, I do care
thanks NCMilGal, I do care for her a lot. I had a really hard time as a teen, even then I longed for an older woman I could talk with honestly, who would care enough to really listen. I'm really trying to be that for SD. For better or worse, she already has a mom, which can allow me to be something else, but also very important.
You're right about giftbuying for SD. No matter how big they get, it's still nice to unwrap things at Xmas, an envelope is great and all, but a kid still misses out with just money. Especially from parents, unconsciously their looking to have the person they're becoming acknowledged and accepted, so while they may SAY they want money, what that gift really says is "I don't know you" far better to give thoughtful gifts like you said...
As an aside, F nixed my idea of getting her a charm bracelet last year, HE doesn't like them ( I know darn well she would though, plus being able to buy her charms in the future, I might just have to overrule him!
from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.
Me to.
I do the same things for my SD. I do alot more for her than I do for my own son. But sometimes she is more like a kid to me than he is, long story there. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids big time!! But I do alot for SD that I just don't do for my son.
I didn't realize it until just now. Thank you for this blog, I need to correct what I see wrong here.
As usual, you rock!
LOL
You know, my feeling on this
You know, my feeling on this is it's fine when it comes to buying little trinkets and small stuff, no harm in that what so ever. It's when I see 'parents' buying ipods, cell phones, psps and other expensive hand held devices that worry me. They aren't teaching their kids how to earn, respect and be responsible by giving it to them. It's when the kids start to expect things and even demand things, have bad behavior, manipulate and twist truths between parents- that's when I'd say there is a problem.
If your SD acted like a spoiled brat, then I'd say... you've got a problem, but obviously she doesn't.
Not at all...
you are giving SD what you think she deserves. If she were a horrible kid who manipulated you and her dad you would not buy her the little nice things. You do not buy them for her so that she will want to come see yall you buy them cause you love and know she is good and want her to have them. I do the same thing for my ss. I reward him for his good behavior and attitude when he is with us. I love the way he comes out of his room with that big grin on his face when he sees something I have left in there for him. Do not feel like you are guilt parenting you are far from doing that.