I will say it's much easier to be "fake" being nice and respectful when you don't live there full time. It's easy to pretend to like someone when you only have to do it for a week. It's easy to show up once in a while be respectful because you only have to hold it together for a few hours. Keeping that up day after day when you all live together in the same house is much harder. 

That's not to give your children an excuse. Nobody wants to be disrespected in their own home day after day. It wears on you and it will wear on your DH too. Their behavior can't be excused as them "being real" because living in society requires all of us to be "fake" for the sake of getting along. We have to be fake at work or with certain in-laws for example. 

I don't really care if someone dislikes me or not, but if your living in my home you have to follow my rules and at least be civil/ respectful. I think it would be best if everyone worked towards this in your family. You know your step kids don't like you, you know your kids don't like your DH, you know you don't like your step kids. That's fine. Probably can't change it. But everyone should at least pretend to get along. And I would distance myself from your stepkids too, and guard what I say. No need to put out a huge effort for people you suspect really don't like you. You don't have to be mean about it or announce it, just quietly do less. 

Your comment about coming together at the holidays resonates with me. I ask, why is it so important to share holidays when there is no bond? Pretending doesn't make it so. I am interested in 'real' connections and resent giving up what should be a special time with those I love and who love me back, to make time for those who do not care about me. Gifts and hugs do not make up for being dismissed the rest of the year. Thank you, no. 

My son and his SO came over for Christmas. We had a lovely day, with genuine interaction. He and my DH get on very well; they have some similarities...occupation, kindness, acceptance of others, and they both excel in the social graces. I count myself fortunate in this aspect of our life together.

As to fake, I am not good nor wish to be good at fake. I believe in genuine kindness. When that is not returned, I am cordial and move on.

I totally understand this - fake nice in front and BS behind my back. I am not sure which is worse because each are equally destructive. However I think what makes either of them worse is when the SP is invalidated...if it's more subtle and fake it's more likely DH and others will not see the digs behind the scene and why it is upsetting. More overt it's likely to be viewed but still could be invalidated in a toxic enviroment. Years ago my SSs would literally say horrible things right to my face in front of DH and others - people would turn a blind eye. This happened with finances (ransacking and piling up crazy bills on us, etc) too. THe invalidation from overt behavior would be incredibly painful.

As they got older they became more covert and one adult SS loves to be the victim in all stories. It was also equally painful and horrible. 

But what I learned is it was the invalidation from DH that was really stinging. Once I learned to not care about needing the validation or emotional support for the poor treatment a lot of the stuff went away. They still pull stuff -

For example, DH tried to convince me that older adult SS is nice to me and wants me apart of his child's life. I said how? Then I started the subtle covert crap - 1. When have I ever recieved a photo of the baby? 2. Has he ever placed me on the family group text message in the last 6 months or does he communicate separtely to the entire family except for me? 3. Was there a request for me to even hold the child ? If the answer is no, no and no then....that's all you need to know. Of course who knows if DH absorbed the facts but at this point I don't care - I don't need the validation. 

To answer the question in short form: whether it's overt or covert / right in front of your face or subtly behind your back, where the pain deep down is coming from is the invalidation from the SKIDs and then the subsequent invalidation by those around you who state they love you. IMHO.

I think the preference depends on what sort of person you are. I don't do well with inauthentic people and drove myself half crazy trying to discern what was real. My nervous system recognized the b.s., but I lost trust in my own perception because no one else seemed to see it. And I agree that having a partner who invalidates us makes things worse. 

I would be hip deep up the asses of your kids and your SKids.  

I find your prevarication regarding your own kids as being genuine but less polite while your SKids are entirely polite but less "genuine to be interesting. I would say that your kids are rude and disrespectful to you DH and your home. 

Your kids are also disrespectful slobs leaving empty drink cans around the house.

I would say based on the "kid appeal balance sheet score" that your SKids actually tick more boxes of decency than your BKs do though the eye roll snarky look crap would drive me nuts though less than the rude slob bullshit would cause me to grumble about.

So. What are the qualifications  and quantification of genuineness?  Rolling eyes and tilted head looks occasionally is is not being genuine and being openly distant, rude, and a slob is?

How exactly does that work? 

Someone who is genuine can still be an impolite rude asshole.  Someone who is polite and decent may not be genuine.

I would call your kids on rude and slovenly behavior and your SKids on the snarky eye rolls and looks rather than taking some position that your kids are at least genuine position.

Pretty much my position is that if a kid is not well behaved I can't stand them. I do not go deeper than that. Decency, honesty, genuineness, etc... pretty much are required or the kid suffers an escalating state of abject misery and  is confronted instantly each time they fail to deliver reasonable behavior.  Rude, slob behavior, eye rolls and snarky looks are all met with full frontal instant call out and accountability. I couldn't give a crap about the deeper analysis.  All of these kids would rue the day if they were in my life and played the crap they each play. Decency or misery. Their choice. 

IMHO of course.

I expect basic civility to be met even if it means faking it but other than that the phony-ness drives me nuts. My SD's are fake in everyday life, just like BM. They are superficial and they get mad when I won't match that energy. If I don't like you you will know it. My face can't lie. I would be a terrible poker player.

They must respect you and your home.  Your SK show you respect,  they try to have a relationship with there father.  You just dint fit into that '''happy family''.  Your kids aren't real respectful to DH.  Living home so much opens roads to disagreement s. 
'You should talk to your DS's.  
Telling them DH is your DH, his work pays for the hone and the running of said home . Hes paying for the electric, internet, food ect. And he deserves there respect for what he is doing.  They don't have to '''like him'''' but he must be respected.

its easiest to be respectful when you only have to do it for short periods of time.  You don't get involved in everyday drama. Of ''the Hapoy family'''. 

I believe that people should be civil in the home.. even if they don't "feel like it".  I have more of a problem with your sons being rude and disrespecting your home because it i also your DH's home.. and he should not be subjected to that.. not in a place he pays for too.  Your kids don't have to love him, but they need to be doing better. period.

The fakeness from his kid.. who knows, maybe they are trying. it's possible that they may not be as ungenuine as you think... it's possible for kids to roll their eyes at their bio parents too when the bio parent says something they find "old fashioned" etc.. But even so, at least they were taught to be polite... even if it might be to people they dont align with.  I mean, it's not being fake... in the work world, they need to be polite to that coworker they dislike right? that boss who is a jerk.  Perhaps being pleasant outwardly is them avoiding conflict.  

Being rude and using the "hey.. just being my authentic self"... is an excuse imho.. 

I would rather have to suffer a fake pleasant visit vs one that is outwardly antagonistic.

I mean, my OSD.. she didnt say or do too much rude behavior.. but I knew she would have preferred to not be around me/us.  My preference would have been for her to actually want to be there.. but I would have NOT wanted to be asked to tolerate rudeness and disrespecting behavior to the home.  

NO, I don't like fakeness.. but i hate rudeness and hostility too.. and the latter is more stressful honestly. with someone I think is fake.. I just superficial right back.. soldier through