So after 2 horrible days at home, DH and I argued to some level of resolution last night. We have a plan for what to do with BM. DH wants to have no contact with her whatsoever. I'm not sure how feasible that is, but we're going to try. In order to get anywhere near that, we're going to need to modify the current CO to incorporate some critical details that are unclear or unaddressed in our current CO. Here's my list
We want to clarify what a holiday is. Begins and ends, procedure for makeup time, etc.
Designation of additional holidays and rotation schedule. Currently, only XMas, July 4 and Thanksgiving are addressed. Planning to include all school holidays and breaks, which are unmentioned in current CO.
Currently they have joint legal, which means nothing gets done. We want to designate final decision-making authority for health, education, mental health, dental health, and extra curriculars.
Our Family Wizard or comparable for communication. NO E-MAIL, NO TEXTS. Phone only in the case of emergency.
She cannot answer the phone when DH calls. She must pass to the Skid or have a separate line for skid.
She cannot be present for pickups (which the judge already tried to keep from happening). We will drop off at curbside.
Documented deployment plan, including CS and custody. DH and she are active duty, and we've already had her refuse to do anything except have her husband (Stepdad) care for the skid. Not happening again.
Tax exemption clause needs to be clarified. The language now is muddled.
I think that's "it." I feel sorry for the judge that has to deal with this case. BM can't act like an adult, which means DH can't either.
Is there anything else you all can think of to clarify or address?
Comments
Are you thinking your husband
Are you thinking your husband would be the one to have the final decision making ability? I'd be scared to let BM have the final say in the things you mentioned.
My husband's CO also includes a right of first refusal. If BM has to be away for more than one night, my husband gets the first chance to take SD. I'm not sure if your plan for deployment will cover this kind of thing too.
I'm not sure what the custody situation is or how much CS your husband is paying, but my husband's CO also says that BM must send clothes and other belongings with SD when she comes to our house. It's something to consider depending on your skid's visitation schedule.
My DH went in pretty early on
My DH went in pretty early on in our relationship and managed to get a No Contact Order on BM written into the CO. The judge also required that they used a 3rd party exchange place and each pay half (best $15/month ever spent!). This helped to document the no-shows, late shows and last minute crap that she always pulled. It also was a logical consequence for the crap that she was pulling for the privilege of having the pickups/dropoffs at her place and her never having to do a damn thing to facilitate it.
We would have never made it otherwise. She was just too harassing. She had to figure out other ways to "get back at" my DH instead of being able to call and scream at him.
I swear BM spends her life
I swear BM spends her life trying to find new ways to "get back" at DH. The skid is the favorite weapon. I should say the remaining skid. The other is PASed out.
Our judge tried to use the babysitter as the neutral pickup/drop off place, but she's NOT neutral, for one, and for another, there are so many times that we can't pickup or drop off there, i.e. holidays, etc. I love a 3rd party exchange place. I'll check to see if there's one here. Since we do 100% of the pickups and drop offs currently, we don't have any noncompliance to document, but if she had to do something, goodness knows she'd make it as hard as possible!
It's comforting to hear you say that BM's antics were hard on your marriage. That's where we are. We've been married almost 2 years, and the skid issues are hard enough (I have a bio kid, too), but to have to deal with BM as much as we do is *really* hard on our marriage. DH wants to avoid conflict, so he goes along with her, which makes me feel like he's more concerned about making her happy than me. And then we end up fighting.
Same for us as misstep, we
Same for us as misstep, we had to also put a no contact order in place and the sheriff's department put a no trespass order on her because they were tired all the stalking and breaking and entering.
Good question on final
Good question on final decision-making! He's willing to split those with her. In fact, since she's CP, he's willing to let her decide most things, but NOT everything. He's like mental health and dental decision-making. She's already not consulting him on extra curriculars, so to "lose" that wouldn't be a big deal. Religion is another area, but since neither family is religious, it shouldn't be a big issue.
We do have FROR if she's absent from the skid for a night, but we found it wasn't enough in the case of deployment. She refused to grant temporary custody to him or to even *consider* paying child support. We would have had full custody *and* been paying her full CS. And then we would have had to pay a babysitter to boot! We could've sued after she was back to recoup the expenses, but we would have been bankrupt long before that.
Clothes have been the bane of our existence for years! I love that idea. I'll ask DH what he thinks of it.
We have a similar law on the
We have a similar law on the books here in VA, but the FROR trumps that. DH had to sign over custody to stepdad during her deployment last year.
We have a prelim hearing next
We have a prelim hearing next month. I plan to incorporate as much "parallel parenting" into the parenting plan as possible. Indiana has a good plan example online. BM is such a crazy bitch, I want a little contact as possible. I LOVE the idea of the wizard for communication.