What is fair?
Something that gftothebf said in another blog got me thinking... she said, when bio and skids live in the same house, how can you not be fair? (that might have been paraphrased!)
I have 10 and 11 year old boys. One bio, one skid. I try my best to treat them equally. Do for one as I do for the other. I try to show equal love and attention. Here's where the resentment starts. I've only been SM for 1.5 yrs. There isn't exactly a love and bond with the skid as for my bio. The skid is a pretty good skid. I mean I could complain about him. He gets bad grades in some classes. Forgets his homework often, lies a few times, gets moody and pouty and hates to do chores and gives me a heck-of-a-lot more work to do!. But usually somewhat respectful. I could be talking about my bio, right? But, I don't have all those baby years to help me remember when he was cute. I don't desire to hug and kiss him like I do my bio. I hate when he wants me to sing my sons song to him at bedtime, even though I do it. I want to spend time with me bio. I don't want to spend time with skid.
I have always taken vacation time over the holidays so my bio doesn't have to go to day care. But my bio will spend some of that time at his dads. Before marriage, I had that time to myself. Now, my DH expects me to want to hang out with skid all day. I asked if skid could go to BMs for a couple days while bio is gone. DH got really ticked that I want to 'ship' his son off instead of spending 'quality time' with him alone. I feel terrible that this is how I feel. I feel terrible that I don't want to spend time with his son. He says he'd be happy to spend all day with my son if he had the chance. He doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to spend time with his son.
I find myself not loving on my son because I don't want to love on skid the same way and I don't want him to feel second or that I don't care about him as much. I fake it. I do care about him. I care about his health, security, education and future success. But is that just more human/motherly nature than real love?
So, is it fair that I sacrifice the love that I want to show my son? Is it fair that I have to give up myself to do something I don't want to do? And why don't I want to? I mean, it's not that I don't want a bond with this child. But how much do I give up to hope one happens or will I just grow more resentful for all that I gave up in the meantime to try and develop it?
How do I just suck it up and pretend so that my husband thinks I'm the person he thought he married... that wonderful woman that would accept his child as my own and forget he has a BM? I discovered I'm not as perfect as I apparently led him to believe. Now I'm a horrible person. How is this fair?
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Comments
I have learned on this site
I have learned on this site that these feelings are completely normal. I don't have any bio kids but I do have a young SS who I want to educate and I do care about, but I don't love him. This site has really taught my that its ok to NOT love your SKids. He isn't your kid and although you may want to treat him the same, this may not always be the case. Maybe you can tell DH that you want SS to go to BM house while your son goes to BD over break because you want to spend some time alone w your DH and not because you don't was his kid around. This may be easier for DH to understand and he will realize that you two need to spend some quality time alone. And being on a break from your SS may even be good for your relationship with him.
Yeah, that is exactly the
Yeah, that is exactly the approach I tried last year. And it would have really been nice for those couple days alone even though it's just a few hours in the evening since he still had to work. It still doesn't sit well with him. He hears that I don't want his son around when my sons not there to entertain him and he fails to get his mind around considering that we need time together or I need time alone. All very valid and honest points. He really doesn't want his son to go to BMs because she might not be off work herself and someone else less savory would be watching his son. So, I'm supposed to make up for that I guess.
You can NOT treat kids the
You can NOT treat kids the same!!! Everyone is an individual so why would you??? I don;t care if they are bio or step that is just not realistic to think other wise. Every kid is different and think different and have different views. My MIL said it best one day, (she has 3 dd's) she said that while one of her girls required a lot of sleep another one didn't and the other needed just 8 hours. So she at first tried to set up the same bed time but noticed the difference in the girls and their moods til she just let them have the right amount of sleep for each of them and it worked. She then realized that it wasn't just sleep it was that each girl was their own person and had to play it by ear with each child!
oops I didn't answer all your
oops I didn't answer all your questions. I would also want ss to go to his bm's at that too. Why is it that she doesn't have him? Is it dh's time or what? I would also try to explain it the way another poster said that you want to spend time with your dh. a
SS goes to his BM every other
SS goes to his BM every other weekend. No arrangements are ever made to go to BM when there is no school. I'm expected to handle it as I handle it for my BS.
See if dh will take time off
See if dh will take time off to watch both boys! He said he would love to, right? The thing is he says that because he's never had to. A lot easier to say than do. I also don't think you should short change your own kid hugs and kisses just because ss is there. That is ridiculous! If dh made me feel like I couldn't snuggle wih my kids without havig to snuggle with ss I'd laugh in his face! Dh is your ss father. If ss lives with you hen dh should be the one snuggling with him, reading to him, singing him to sleep, etc. You are normal feeling that way, btw. I think sometimes men forget they married a WIFE and not an automatic MOTHER.
You're right Tx mommy. I
You're right Tx mommy. I shouldn't be short-changing my kid. But let me give you a scenario... I come home from work. Both boys are home. I really want to give my BS lots of hugs and kisses. But I don't feel the same for SS. I don't want to show my son affection without doing the same to SS. Wouldn't that just be showing SS I don't love him if I did? He might be secretly craving that affection and maybe he doesn't get enough from his own dad and mom and might feel really hurt and jealous of my BS. Woudn't that just cause problems?
So guess what I do? I wait till no one's looking and grab my kid and plant kisses on him and give him big hugs
This is just wrong that I feel the need to do this! I just do!
I feel the same way! I know
I feel the same way! I know my SD13 feels jealous sometimes, and I try to treat her equally, but I just can't...