So much for this holiday ending on a positive note.
So we were leaving for my DH's family Christmas this morning. It had been a great week, no kids, s-kids were at their BM's for the holiday,(DH and I have full custody). The kids were dropped off at the in-laws and waiting for us to come. We actually got along great this week, no big problems, stress level really low...it was wonderful.
Then I opened up my mouth as I was having a glass of water, and said, "Wow, I really notice a difference in the fridge,it's a lot colder since sd 1 and 2 have been gone this week. We may have to clamp down on them a bit on that." DH agreed with me, stated that the water was even too cold for him on the door...
Feeling nice, friendly, chatty like, and because I didn't want him to think this was a new deal with me, I said,"I always got after my kids about it it too, it's kind of a pet peeve...and my Mom's and my Grandma's too, they used to jump all over us about it".
Well, that was my mistake, because EVERY time I mention something about what I used to do with my kids, it causes him to feel the need to teach me a lesson. Every time, and I don't like the use of infinitives, but unfortunately it fits here,EVERY time, he feels compelled to try to tell me how badly I sucked at parenting my kids.He doesn't literally say that until deeper in to the argument, but it always comes out sooner or later. It starts out with DH saying, "Now, can you see a difference here in how you treated your bks, vs. how you treat my dd 1 and 2?". UUUUHGGGHHHHHH! I was just talking about the refrigerator, I don't need a life lesson about what I did wrong with my kids!
Just to set the record straight, my kids are normal, not exceptional, not atypical, not dead-beats...I love them, they love me, they are young adults now, what more can I say...normal as far as I am concerned...
My kids don't feel that I was a terrible parent, my parents don't feel that way.I know this because I have felt compelled to ask their opinion,(without inferring any blame toward him),genuinely trying to figure out what my DH has a point about that I should be heeding on this. Hell, I know I didn't do everything perfectly, but I did the best I could at the time...was a lot of times tougher on them than I should have been about the simple stuff...oh now he will say that's not what he is doing...he's just trying to make me see the "dichotomy of the situation, how I handle things soooo much differently regarding my bd and ds1 and 2", compared to what I do with his dd 1 and 2. So I made the second mistake, I let my frustration show. Now I am the "asshole" and all the other things he called me because I won't listen to his words of advice. So he left me here, after calling me a complete asshole and a bitch. Then he comes back and says get your coat on and let's go, because dd1 and 2 will want to see you and will miss you if you're not there.
In the past, in situations like this, I have just done it, gone along, and felt like I am just shutting up and taking it while DH continues to tell me the whole way there me how wrong I am about everything in the universe....whoops,there's those infinitives again... I put my foot down this time though, I said, No. If you truly think I am an asshole bitch, then I don't think I care to go with you." No apologies from DH on that one, instead he says,"Well you are being an asshole"... and I blah blah blah, blame blame blame, Well, after a long battle he left.
I am sooo tired of being treated like I am clueless. I sent him text messages.... #1 "All I am BEGGING of you is to focus on "teaching" me a lesson when you see me screwing up NOW. NOT saying, "You are right today, but what a piss poor job you did in the past....#2 What possible good comes of that.... #3 If you see me screwing up with the kids currently, please feel free to educate me....#4 otherwise, give me a f@#$%^g break. I am not such a horrible dumb ass, worthless shit parent. I do NOT deserve to be called one every time I mention something to you...
Nice language, I know. I never used to talk like this.
Upon further argument, with him telling me how wrong I am about most everything, it got down to him indicating that I needed to shut my "shit spewing hole"....just one more of the many times I have heard that lovely statement.
The thing is, I am NOT an ignorant woman, I know that this is verbal abuse. I know that I don't deserve this treatment, that no one does. We have been to counseling about it as well. He has heard the counselors opinion on name calling. it helps for a little while. DH is a VERY intelligent man. He knows that this is not right, but he thinks I am just being a baby when I am hurt by his name calling, that it's no big deal, and according to him, the far more important thing is that I "LISTEN" to him.
For my part,I just keep trying to get him to listen to my perspective, to let him know that I do value his wisdom AND desperately want him to see that I have some of my own.
When it's good between us, we are so very compatible. Everybody thinks we make a "great couple". I still love him in spite of the fighting, although right now, it's making me question if I really am stupid. It's just when the kids come up...I can't take the criticism anymore...it's tearing me up and I can't make him see that.
sorry...just had to vent somewhere...
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Just my opinion from an
Just my opinion from an outside looking in I am not an expert but I know what he is doing is wrong. You may want to leave him; he talks you down and makes you feel worthless. Many people do this as a way to control another person until that person gets to the point where they truly feel worthless then it turns violent. He shouldn't talk to you like that and from what you have said it don't seem like he believes he is doing something wrong, but it is wrong to belittle your spouse. It is verbal and emotional abuse, and you don’t deserve it.
Good luck and remember you raised your kids and they think you were a good mother and that’s all that matter.
Interesting that as I am
Interesting that as I am reading this, my dh calls and tells me calmly that yes he did what he did this morning, but that I "need to realize that I am not perfect and take it when he feels the need to to tell me so, and guess what , learn from it"..... I hung up when he called me a retard, because I was still sticking to my opinions.
thanks aleshiafenner...I think I need some opinions from the outside looking in.
OMG!!! He is your husband,
OMG!!! He is your husband, your partner, your lover -- not your daddy, not your teacher, not your warden. My Ex used to do this shit all the time. I'm sorry. I may be saying something you don't like, but I am seeing red here!!! My Ex used to try to teach me lessons too. I would do the same thing you're doing. I would just keep my mouth shut and let him go on and on and on because it was easier on me when I did. If I opened my mouth and said what I thought, OMG, watch out, that would add another hour or two onto the lectures. He is making you feel stupid and worthless, and he knows exactly what he's doing. He is training you to do as he says. He is training you to not speak up. Otherwise, you're "punished" for it, am I correct?? In the beginning of my marriage with my ex (which was a 20 year sentence) he even spanked me when he thought I was being bad - this wasn't sexy, this was an over the knee, bare butt spanking. I guess he got some kind of sick thrill from it, but I was humiliated and would cry and then he would demand sex. Why, why, why didn't I see back then??
Please take a good hard look at what he is doing, because it is abuse - plain and simple. I repeat, he is not your father or your teacher. This is NOT what true marriage is.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
You are correct...it's just
You are correct...it's just really hard admitting it.
Yes, it's true, if I try to open my mouth to show him my perspective, it just gets ugly, for hours and hours. many times when this is going on, my throat literally feels constricted from holding back what I really want to say. I have some seriously heavy thinking to do. This is my second marriage...been here for 3 years. I love my sds, but this is not showing them the way it should be either. DH also tells me that he can see his bad behaviors coming out in sd2 and guess who he believes to be at fault for that... My ex also became abusive, but of a more physical nature. I left that situation right away,(within 6 months after the incident) because I would not tolerate that. This seems so much more difficult because I keep thinking, "he's a smart guy, he should be able to be reasonable and realize that I am not trying to be difficult.I just want us both to feel loved and respected.
Also then, with having been through this before, I really am wondering , what am I doing wrong...you know?
I am sorry you had to deal with that kind of abuse in your first marriage. I am very happy for you that you have found happiness.
Sounds like verbal abuse.
Sounds like verbal abuse. He is not your father and should not be acting like that. Not sure how you can get him to stop besides leaving. Sorry.
dorothyparkerwannabe, When I
dorothyparkerwannabe,
When I first read your post, it didn't hit me...when I came back...I thought, I want to know more about that word/concept....understand what she meant better
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_projection
This was the first thing that came up in google...I feel sick inside... I totally understand what you are saying, actually a friend in conversation said "projection" one time, and it just didn't register...but it is right now...especially this part because I could not understand why he kept making the comments he has...it just did not make sense....
an exerpt......"To understand the process, consider a person in a couple who has thoughts of infidelity. Instead of dealing with these undesirable thoughts consciously, they unconsciously project these feelings onto the other person, and begin to think that the other has thoughts of infidelity and may be having an affair. In this sense, projection is related to denial, arguably the only defense mechanism that is more primitive than projection. Projection, like all defense mechanisms, provides a function whereby a person can protect their conscious mind from a feeling that is otherwise repulsive."
and this one...."Projection is considered one of the most profound and subtle of human psychological processes, and extremely difficult to work with, because by its nature it is hidden. It is the fundamental mechanism by which we keep ourselves uninformed about ourselves. Humor has great value in any attempt to work with projection, because humor presents a forgiving posture and thereby removes the threatening nature of any inquiry into the truth."
Thank you.
Dear needing peace, I concur
Dear needing peace, I concur with the others, having lived it myself. My 2nd H used to berate me for hours from every direction until I was shaking and basically wanted to die. This would usually happen if I brought up a concern or issue. It was his way of deflecting. Or sometimes if I just happened to annoy him. When I tried to respond, he would escalate.
Please check out Susan Forward's book, Verbal Abuse. What you said, "he should be able to realize" nailed it--she says that there are two types of people, one believes in level playing field, respect and communication, the other just wants control. Many verbally abused women keep trying "to explain" their point of view to their mate but no matter how they say it, the other person won't hear it. It doesn't serve them to hear it.
Another great resource is Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse site. Tons of support and info on there.
I too was married two times (on third which is a very good marriage). The first was emotionally abusive to me and to my DD (not his). That lasted 4 years. The second marriage started out fine but as years went on, his problems grew and he became more abusive. I left M1 and dove into M2--on reflection, I still had not dealt with self-esteem issues that led me to expect and accept abuse. 2 wasn't as obvious. Marriage 2 lasted 14 years. After I ended it, I went through a lot of personal growth and finally realized I was worthy of being adored--and guess what, I finally found the man I had been looking for all my life.
At a minimum, the name calling needs to stop. That tears a person down and makes them feel basically worthless. You don't do that to someone you love.
Thank you to all of you for
Thank you to all of you for your comments. It really does help to be able to sit down and write about what I am feeling, and get feedback from others that understand my situation. LizzieA, I will check out the web site. I have the book. Our therapist from M1 suggested it to me.It is a great book and it scared me as to how close it fits my situation. I have not read it in a while...guess it may be time to take it out again. It has been suggested to my DH, however he does not believe he needs it...I am sure you know the drill...if I would just stop my denial, admit I have flaws, just shut up and agree with him, and on and on and on... then he would not need to use his methods...he would not get so frustrated...yada yada...
Earlier tonight, I crossed the line and argued with him regarding HIS perspective...when it reached the point where I began yelling, which I should not have done, he crossed the line, and told me to shut up or he would slap me, hard....it's not the kind of firsts I wanted for my New Year.
Worthy of being adored...I will ponder that one.