These horoscopes are meant to be funny and are taken from a spoof newspaper that I get every week.
So if they offend you then just ignore it please I don't wanna hear it, I happen to like laughing at stuff like this sometimes.

Aries: You may not have a lot of money, but you still believe yourself to be rich in many ways. This isn't surprising considering the cost of a prper education these days.

Taurus: The lion shall lay down with the lamb this week, before looking around, realizing no savior has in fact returned, and ripping out the poor, unsuspecting animal;s throat.

Gemini: The difference between life and death can come down to a few precious minutes, or in your case, the time it takes for the EMTs to finally stop laughing.

Cancer: You'll have a terrifying out-of-body experience this week, followed by an even more horrifying back-inside-your-body experience this week.

Leo: It takes a lot of courage to stand up and speak candidly in front of a large group of people. Especially when thos people are just there to watch KISS.

Virgo: Virgos are known for their submissive nature, weak and cowardly attitude, and tendency to just sit there and nod along while the stars openly shit all over them.

Libra: While it's true that drugs aren't the answer to your problem, they will, if taken in large enough doses, amke you forget exactly what your problems are.

Scorpio: You've managed to overcome a lot ini order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.

Sagittarius: Pretty soon you're going to have to sit down and ask yourself some very important questions. Particularly, "why?"

Capricorn: There are certain species of bear which mind their own business and don't attack or eat humans. You will not meet any such bears this week.

Aquarius: Don't let pessimism or negativity get in your way this week, as you already have a hard enough time not always fucking everything up on your own.

Pisces: You establish a destructive pattern of behavior this week when you discover how much fun it is to destroy things.

Again these are found in a newspaper that I receive I do not make them up, they are meant for humor not to be serious, though some can come close to hitting the nail on the head. So one more time if you don't like it please keep the negative crap to yourself and let the ones who actually think its ok and funny and have a sense of humor to enjoy them.