Just getting it all out!

Ok, not sure where to start, but hoping this can be a good place to vent. I've been reading a lot of posts, and can relate to quite a few things I've read. Haven't come across a situation like mine, but maybe some one here can relate and possibly give some advice.

I was married for 11 years, got divorced this past summer. We just kind of outgrew each other and it was a long time coming. We have a 12 year old daughter, and our divorce was pretty amicable. We still get along fine, probably because we don't see each other everyday, lmao.

I'm dating a man who was married for about 15 years to a woman quite a bit older than him. She had kids from a previous marriage, and he has a daughter with her as well. He's been divorced a little longer than me, and he and his ex get along so-so from what I can tell. I guess I'm kind of like the step mom to his daughter, but I don't get to see her very often so it's not really her I have an issue with. (yet, lol)

Anyway, his ex has grown children, and one of the kids has kids of her own, and apparently they considered him *grandpa* even though he's only 37 and not even their bio grandpa. It kid of weirds me out in a way, since he's too young for all that. My big issue right now is that we live in a small town, and one of her grown kids lives here too. The other kid that has the *grandkids* lives nearby too, but she was a bitch when he divorced her mom, and even tried to say that he had flirted with her, etc. Haven't heard a thing from her or the kids in about a year. Now I've found out that since Christmas is coming, she's all trying to be nice, saying the kids want to see *pawpaw* and they do'nt understand what happened. Hmm...they got divorced like she's doing right now...pretty easy to explain, they're not that little, lol. Kind of convenient that she wants to play nice with him since the holidays are coming and she's as materialistic as her mother is. But I digress, lol.

Anyone else ever feel like it's never ending with the BM? Maybe not so much her, since she's got other things going on in her life and she leaves us alone. It's the grown kids that aren't even his for Gods sake, and this is a small town so we bump into each other all the time. It's like a constant reminder of her, and it might not matter to him, but it's starting to wear on my nerves. Anyone else ever feel like dating a man with kids just isn't worth it?

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Sorry I wasn't too clear

Sorry I wasn't too clear about that last part sueu2...my thoughts can get ahead of my fingers sometimes, lol! It's a little of both I guess. I get along fine with the grown ex-skid, and we've talked about stuff and he's actually a nice guy. Sometimes if he gets to talking about his mom, I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and go lalalala because I hear enough about her from my BF kid, lol. I do realize that my problems are nothing compared to some of the freakin horror stories I've read on here, and I'm so grateful that BM is too busy trying to find someone else to support her shopping addiction to bother us much anymore.

I'm not sure why the *pawpaw* thing bugs me so much. I know that he helped raise that SD and he had been around when the oldest of her kids was born, and spent a lot of time with him before she eventually moved away and got married and had the other two kids. He's never really mentioned them since we've been together, so I'm not even sure what's going to come of that situation. I almost feel guilty, but at the same time I'm thinking that chapter of your life is over, and she didn't want anything to do with you until last week, so just let it go. He hasn't mentioned what he plans to do about all of that, so I'm just venting. I guess what it boils down to is we've both made fresh starts with our lives over the past year, but yet he's still carrying a little extra baggage that actually belongs to his BM.

Well, I'm not in a situation

Well, I'm not in a situation exactly like yours but maybe I can shed a little light in some areas. We have a pretty odd situation too. DH and I have been married 11 years. SS22 had a son in July 2010 and SD20 had a son in June 2010. I am only 38, and before I disengaged from my sk's I was "Grammy". And I loved every moment of it. I love those babies and I miss one of them horribly since I am disengaged from sd. He was the one I was closest to. However, I still see ss's son because ss is NOT involved with his child and the mom, her family, and I get along fine and she wants me to be involved. When I go over to see him, the mom and her mother and grandmother all call me "Grammy" to little man. For me, when my little guys were born, it wasn't about my age. I was in a full time mom position to my sk's for the majority of those 11 years and I do love them even though I am disengaged because of their attitudes and tempers. I was in the delivery room when sd's son was born, per her request. (her BM lives 2500 miles away so it basically boiled down to I was all she had). So as far as the grandparent thing going and your dh's age, don't be weirded out by that. If he was around his sk's for 15 years that means he's likely been in the lives of the grandchildren from the time they were born and when you are around a child his whole life, you DO get attached regardless of who the parents are. And in all technicality, I have a ds that is 17. Heaven forbid, but I am surely old enough to be a grandmother for real (ugh... lol).

As far as the holiday thing goes... hmmm. I can definitely see why you would be concerned about the materialistic crap. I think I would have to let dh decide what he wants to do and then support his decision. Would he like to invite the kids over for a visit BEFORE the holidays to see how things go...feel out the vibes a bit maybe? Does he not want to be involved with these grown kids at all? Considering she accused him of some pretty terrible things, some men wouldn't want anything more to do with someone like that. If he feels like it's more about the gifts than the kids missing him (which honestly, they probably do), then maybe set out to only spend a small amount on each child, buying them 1 small gift and inviting them over for Christmas eve or something.

I can tell you from my own situation, that I really miss sd's baby, even though I do NOT miss her and her drama, attitude BS. I WISH that I could spend some time with him but she isn't allowing it at all and is showing no remorse for the way she has treated me in the recent past so I do not see that changing any time soon. And when I disengaged I knew not seeing him would be part of my sacrifice. This is why I would let dh make the call and support him if he does want to see the grandkids.

As far as dealing with the BM all the time... my sk's BM lives FAR, FAR away thank God. But there was a year, last year, that she had moved here and was here in my face constantly. In fact, we had gotten involved in a horrible car accident where someone nailed my sd's car that had her, her fiance, and my 2 youngest dds in her car and dh and I were in a car in front of them. After the initial accident, sd's fiance was going to talk to a witness and a car blew threw the accident scene and hit him, breaking his leg. DH and I of course felt some responsibility to help take care of him while he was down and at the time the BM lived with sd and her fiance. So every time we went over to see them, there was the BM!! It was freakin' MADDENING because this woman is a drug addicted psycho ditz from hell! You can not imagine my excitement to find out that she was moving back to her home town 2500 miles away! But sd has always been mommy's little girl so sd NEVER let us forget that her mama was her mama in the entire 11 years I have been with dh. So yeah... I can't stand that woman. She treated her kids like crap, I had to raise them because she couldn't and wouldn't, and now they are grown and she is talking about moving back out here so sd has decided that it's high time to throw me to the dogs. It does get old... it is ALWAYS in your face... and it is not going away.

Sorry, I just realized I have been calling him DH when he's your BF. You asked if dating a man with kids is worth it. That all depends on how you handle it. Personally, if I could go back 11 years and do it all over again, I would NEVER marry this man again... not under those same circumstances. If I met him now instead of then, I still don't know that I would have married him because he enables his kid's negative behavior and it's HELL to deal with. But no one can tell you what to do one way or the other. You have to decide for yourself how much you are willing to put up with. It's obvious that his ex and her family is always going to be in your faces since you live in the same small town, so it becomes a question of "can you deal with that?" But if you are on this forum asking questions like this, my guess would be that you are second guessing this so that alone should tell you something.

Welcome to the group. It has helped me a TON already and I just joined myself a few days ago so this is a great place to get opinions and feedback. I hope I was able to help a little bit. Good Luck to you!

Thanks for the welcome

Thanks for the welcome wickedstepmom! Your post makes perfect sense, and so did the one before it, lol. I tend to overthink the little stuff sometimes and let it just kind of eat away at me. BF and I have a great relationship, our kids are the same age and get along great, etc. His kid can be a little whiny/spoiled, but mine is too and so far it's nothing I can't deal with. (yet, lmao) I'm still getting used to dating a man with a kid and all that kind of follows along with it. I'll admit I do get kind of sick of being reminded of his ex through her kids, but BF and I have had this conversation too, and he said it's kind of weird for him too, lol.

Thanks for the input...I'm so glad I found this site! At least I know I"m not alone when it comes to all of these feelings.

We all tend to over think the

We all tend to over think the small stuff sometimes. That's human nature. Believe me when I tell you that even with the sk's I have ALWAYS gotten sick of being reminded of the BM. The fact that she is a loser and her kids have her up on this MOTY pedestal does NOT help at all. :sick: LOL

You definitely are NOT alone. I know I felt like no one ever understood me either. Everyone else I know with stepkids seem to have these hunky dory brady bunch families because they don't talk about their BS... they are probably on this site doing it anonymously! ROFL I figure I am probably driving everyone NUTS on this site now because I have vented so much the last couple days, but boy have I needed to get rid of all the anger somewhere! LOL

I think that, even though

I think that, even though it's hard, you have to step back and allow your BF to have whatever relationship he feels like having with his adult kids.

In my opinion, step-parents get to have input on what happens with the sKids who live in their house, but otherwise it's like any other relationship your BF might have. He gets to decide who his friends are, who he feels like his extended family is, and so on. Unless it somehow has a direct measureable effect on you, like if he buys his adult kids some gigantic present which drains your bank account, I don't think you get to say. He's an independent person, and being married to you shouldn't mean that he can't decide how he feels about contact with other family members. It's up to him how he feels about her having been out of touch and now getting back in touch again. If the grandkids (genetic or otherwise doesn't matter) want to see "Paw-paw", even if their mother drives you nuts, the right thing to do is just serenely sail through and let this family that you're connected with do what it needs to do.

I know that's not what any of us want to hear. I have a SD20 who sets my teeth on edge, but my husband will love her dearly for the rest of his life, so it's my job to put a smile on my face and just deal.

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