How do I handle the narcissistic ex-wife of b.f
I have been dating a guy for 10 months. He has an 8 year old and shares custody with bio mom who is the ex-wife. At first it seemed like the divorce was amicable and that they would remain civil for the sake of their son. However, as time went on she became vindictive, emotionally manipulative, and just down right resentful. My boyfriend allowed her to take everything in the divorce that involved money. This included the equity from the house that they bought together, the trust fund that she sold for money (unbeknown) to him, and a savings account of 20k that he didn't know about. She used this money to pay off debt and buy herself a new home. This was an agreement between them so she wouldn't request child support. However, he is obligated to pay for 63% of their sons expenses (doctors visits, school supplies, etc.). It sounded unfair, but that was their decision.
The plan was to co-parent and communicate civilly. They wanted to exchange gifts during appropriate holidays and coordinate appointments. However, the first celebration that they had at our house things started to go missing from our home. I did not think that she would snoop around and steal during her visitations, but this happens on 3 occasions. We have interior cameras in our home which has recorded her going up the stairs. She had no business being on the second level of our home because we have a guest area and bathroom downstairs. Her excuse was that she was trying to look for a bathroom. Two days later I noticed important documents were missing from our bedroom upstairs. On another occasion she was caught coming downstairs when my boyfriend was smoking outside. He noticed family photos missing. One of them was on a bookshelf downstairs. she has been to our house a few times for her sons birthday part and family therapy. She was told that she could not come back into our home.
In addition, she has been very hostile and aggressive towards my boyfriend since finding out I was pregnant. She used to talk about how she wanted to get back with him in a few years. My boyfriend said that he came to her home a few times to pick up their son and she was already seeing different men. These ex-boyfriends of hers have come to our home and stalked us as a family. The wait out on the street until my boyfriend comes outside. His wife admitted that they wanted to fight him. This wasn't the only incident that occurred with her ex-bf trying to start a verbal/physical confrontation with my b.f/her ex-husband.
In an attempt to mediate a discussion about a dentist she retaliated and became aggressive during a court ordered meeting. The next day she was able to get a restraining order claiming that my boyfriend harassed, stalked and threatened her. I do not deny that my boyfriend said things to her over text that were demeaning, but he has never stalked or threatened her life. I have a 5 month old son and I'm 5 months pregnant. He has no time to stalk or harass her. Plus cameras record his every departure and arrival from our home. These allegations were made up due to jealousy and the fact that she wants to control every situation.
Their son who is autistic has been having nightmares of his dad killing him, his mom, and sister. We discovered that his mom has been telling him that his dad wants to kill her. She is attempting to alienate my boyfriend as a parent in order to get full custody of her son. I don't really trust her with anything anymore and I don't know how to be a supportive step mom with all of this going on. How would you suggest handspring a situation like this? I love my boyfriend and just want peace.
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Honestly, it sounds like that
Honestly, it sounds like that your BF AND his EX are problems. He has issues too it appears.
At this point, you need to think primarily about your own future and that of your child's whether that includes this guy or not. At 10 months.. it's likely you don't know him that well.. and he does seem to be a good part of the drama. If he has put ill advised things in writing.. he may have a hard time walking that back in court... hope he has good legal representation.. that is expensive.
I would get a child support order on him as soon as you can to preserve your child's interests.
Focus on your kids and let
Focus on your kids and let him handle his ex. Have nothing to do with her whatsoever, and obviously, don't let her in your home. Be pleasant to his son, but let him handle all parenting. And don't be alone with him so she can't make false allegations about you.
He needs to learn to manage his anger when she pushes his buttons, he now knows how easy it is for women to paint men as "abusive" and have them arrested. Next will be removing his visitation rights to the child if she can manage that - so he has to keep himself under control and not have any face to face meetings with her, or arguments with her over any form of communication.
Also - if you've dated 10 months and have a 5-month-old, then I assume he's not the father of your son. Slow down a bit here and think through tying yourself to him any further.
I'm assuming that the baby
I'm assuming that the baby you're pregnant with is your boyfriend's child, but since you've only been with your boyfriend 10 months, I'm going to assume the 5 month old is not his. Correct?
Frankly, I don't think there's much hope for you to have peace here. As tog said, focus on your kids and let BF handle his ex and do all the parenting of his son. He needs to put strong boundaries in place, as well as good cameras, and protect you from the ex and her boyfriend henchmen. I would have the police on speed dial if I were you, and if there are friends of the ex (or the ex herself) outside your home stalking you, call them. Do not engage with them yourself or let your BF do so. That's a recipe for disaster, as it sounds like he's somewhat of a hothead. If there wasn't another child involved, I'd probably say this situation is not worth the aggravation for you. Keep an open mind as to whether this relationship is the best thing for you and your children.
FWIW, the ex can revisit child support if there's a change of circumstances (and in many states the passage of 2-3 years counts as such a change). Even though they agreed to no CS, that could change. So you might want to consider getting a child support order for your child as soon as you can after the child is born. Is the agreement between BF and the ex through the courts, or just something they agreed upon but didn't have a judge sign off on?
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Thank you for the information. Yes, the judge signed off on this agreement between them.
I can't math today, I don't
I can't math today, I don't want to math today, but you have a 5 month old, and are 5 months pregnant and have been with him for 10 months, and the ex comes into the house for therapy and family functions...I don't think I can say anything helpful past all the HUGE red flags of this entire post.
Yeah high conflict exwives shouldn’t be in the home
And smart men see right through the bullshit of "its for the kids", my husband does and refuses to enter exwifes home with her affair husband.
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In the first few months he did enter her place of residence and she was trying to talk about inappropriate things that didn't involve their son. Her boyfriend at the time was hiding in her daughters room, but eventually came out and introduced himself. She was afraid of my boyfriend finding out she was dating. I don't know why. I think they might've been discussing getting back together.
I told him I had issues with him going into her home and offering to go jogging with her to try to remain friends for the sake of their son. He stopped doing this after the drama started. Now he just picks up and drops off their son at a police station. She is saying she wants to do family therapy again, but often wants to control the direction of the conversations involving their son.
My husband’s exwife had eldest sd who was about 22-23at the time
Tell hubby that their mum was good again and that he could meet his daughters after she kidnapped them 5 yrs plus in her current husbands home just them and the kids and my ss who was 19 at the time to play happy family
she claimed they needed to put their differences aside for the sake of their kids. If that crazy woman even cared an ounce for those kids, she wouldn't have abandoned them. Oh and to top things off she had eldest sd tell my husband her current marriage wasn't so good and she didn't think it was gonna survive long (did my husband care? Nope not 1 bit especially considering this is the guy she had an affair with multiple times whilst married to my husband and had him divorce his exwife with 2 kids just so they could be together)
see through the bullshit early and protect yourself!! It's important to have those basic boundaries respected. Exwife would never enter our home and neither will sd's, they do not respect boundaries or privacy so my husband is smart enough to not let them enter
DUP
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How do you handle her?
You don't. She's your bf's baggage, and it's his job to protect you from her. Leave them to be high conflict with each other all they want, and stay out of it.
We have members here who have never met/spoken with/been in the same room as their H's exwife, and that's winning.
I agree with the previous posters who suggested you file for child support ASAP. You hardly know this man, but you're having his kid; you know he's got drama and other obligations, so get your affairs in order and focus on how to protect yourself and your kids from the toxicity that comes with this man.
Yup I’m over 6 yrs married to my husband and after exwife demand
I make myself available so hubby could go on meets with sd 13 & 22 while i had a 1 & 2 yr old, i refused to be anywhere near skids especially sd's and there will never be a time i am there at any event exwife tries to get us to go to.
the day one of the skids marry is gonna be a total shitstorm i and my kids will stay away from and sd's will want our kids who are eurasians, there. They are all about optics and my kids represent upperclass and bio mum and sd's are all about showing off which is so shallow of them.
never a day i see any need of my kids or myself being near the exwife, she isn't my, my kids or my husbands fmaily, she is his mistake
Reply
Yes, I think I'm going to file for child support if need be. I am talking to a therapist and we are both trying to work things out. I decided to stay out of it from now on for my own mental well being.
The timeline of your
The timeline of your relationship, young baby, and pregnancy has me asking, well, how....?
But, the answer to your questions is Boundaries. Your BF needs a CO (custody agreement) with BM and they need to follow it. Communication only about urgent issues with the child and no joint anything (birthdays, holidays, etc.) Two separate lives, one with BM and one with your BF. You need a CO with the father of your 5-month-old, same deal.
And since you are 5 months pregnant with BF's baby, i'm not sure if you can file for a CO yet. But, from what i understand, the first BM who files for child support from a man with multiple BMs usually gets more money. Maybe if you file first, you will get priority.
If you want to make it work with this guy, you will *all* need boundaries. No more jogging with exes, no more exes in each other's houses. Communication with all exes is boring, to the point, as infrequent as possible (maybe weekly?), and only about issues with the kids that involve informing, asking, or making an important decision with the BM/BD. Anything else will be a drama-fest.
Thank you
My son who is born is from my late husband. No issues there, it was a successful marriage that ended with "death do us part." Current baby is with b.f. I agree about minimal contact. A custody order is in place.
As SP remain no contact with
As SP remain no contact with BM. As far as SO goes have him learn about parallel parenting. It is the most effective way to parent with a narc.
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Thank you, I will look into it.
Protective Order
So I read the protective order against my boyfriend. She wants us to be legally responsible for the German Shepard that we have because he took her in after the divorce. She stated in Facebook messenger that she didn't want the dog. If anything happens to her it's on him and the dog has a tendency of running away. I want the judge to order her to take the dog. Is this possible?
Why not just rehome the dog?
Why not just rehome the dog? The sky won't fall, I promise.
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The protective order says that my boyfriend can't give the dog away. I'm tempted to just let the damn dog run away.