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DH thought with his heart and not his head

mrshogans2u's picture

Submitted by mrshogans2u on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 12:28pm

My husband has three children from two previous marriages - two girls and one boy. The oldest girl lives in PR and the other two lived in Texas. I say lived, because the ex just relocated to AK, however, she only took the son. Why, because the daughter didn't want to go. Now, my husband and I recently got married in November so we're supposed to still be in the honeymoon stage. When we first found out about the relocation, we had a conversation and decided now was NOT the time for any of the kids to come live with us. His daughter, still not trying to go, decided to call her grandfather, my DH's father, to complain about having to move. That triggered my FIL to call his son and pretty much beat him up over the head about not letting his daughter come live and how she's unhappy. So, needless to say, our previous conversation went right out the window with no consideration for my feelings. Now, my SD is here and there is no plan in action. By that, I mean, not only did we recently wed, but we also recently moved. We have boxes EVERYWHERE!!! While we have the extra bedroom for her, she can't get in it because of the boxes and even if she could, there's no furniture for her. Bed? nope! dresser? nope! Financial planning wasn't done for this either. My income is the primary income as my DH is on disability. If his pockets can't cover it, who is supposed to pick up the slack? I feel like becoming unglued and emotionally detached. The SD needs to get registered for school, needs school supplies and the appropriate clothing because now she's in a northern state. Aye!

Comments

coping's picture

Submitted by coping on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 2:37pm

Is there no child support from the mom? The boxes are an easy solution. You all need to unpack them. If you have no furniture, get some. If it's the cost, there should be plenty of re-sale options to get some. If you have no plan, quit putting it off. Life is happening. It could be rough, but if for sure will be if you don't do the basics like unpacking and getting rid of the boxes.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 2:48pm

So is your DH going to file for CS from BM? Also if your DH is disabled, his children should be receiving Social Security. It probably won't be a lot, but you want to make sure that BM does not continue to get that money if SD is living with you.

mrshogans2u's picture

Submitted by mrshogans2u on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 2:53pm

Thank you for the advice on the CS modification. I've mentioned this to him and he's like oh, the BM is going to send it back to me. Oh yeah, I've got a bridge to sell you too! Anyway, the child is 13. Since I'm at work and he's at home, he should be unpacking the boxes during the day. And like most men, he waits for me to get started and then helps. I don't work a typical 9 - 5; it's more like 9 to whenever I finish and those nights when I get home at 8 pm after working a full day unpacking a box is the last thing on my mind. I guess I'm torn because a part of me says help out and the other part of me says hell to the no - do the minimum and keep it moving.

kathc's picture

Submitted by kathc on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 11:16pm

Then when you get home you say "go unpack that pile of boxes!" And go take a bubble bath with a glass of wine. The two of them need to do it. Then, you must insist he file for custody change and cs modification. And check craigslist for furniture for her.

luchay's picture

Submitted by luchay on Thu, 07/31/2014 - 10:55pm

Yes, I agree with what the others have said pretty much,

Sit your DH down and have a d&m with him IMMEDIATELY.

Explain that HE has made a major life changing decision that affects both of you, and now you BOTH need to plan and discuss expectations regarding how this will work moving forward.

for you the NON-negotiables are that he MUST OFFICIALLY ARRANGE THE CS MODIFICATION - NO IF'S BUTS OR BM'S WILL SEND IT BACK, LEGALLY DONE WITH ALL I'S DOTTED AND T'S CROSSED!

Second is how SD will live in your house? What is HIS plan for her furniture, school, discipline?

You need to tell him YOUR rules so that he can discuss them and then you present them to SD as a united front. HE MUST BE ON BOARD OR YOU WILL HAVE MERRY HELL HERE. HE must be the one to do any discipline required, and is responsible for her 100% - if she bad mouths you, acts up, is messy - HE is to nip that in the bed straight away. (She WILL do all of these things - trust me on that. Part being normal teenager, part being SD testing the SM waters)

Anyway, read up, think about your requirements of them both and then talk to him - but do it QUICKLY!