DH's ex calls and says their son need to move in with us
:jawdrop:
Last night my husband gets a phone call from his ex wife. She says she is no longer "jiving" with their 13 year old son and it would be best if he moved in with us. I was so shocked that I could not have a real conversation with my husband about this at that particular time!
First off, I am working very hard day to day on my marriage! The last thing I need is this child to move in with us and stir everything up. He has issues. Issues that his mother and father created. I am terrified that if he moves in with us that my marriage will be a wrap!
Do I have a say so in this decision??
How do I tell my husband how I feel??
What is the best way to tell him........."we need to work on our marriage before adding more drama??"
You see, I try to think of it from both sides of the street......what if it were my kid wanting to live with us? How would I react if my husband told me NO!??????? For the record....my kids already live with us.
What about my husbands daughter?? She and her brother are super tight?? How much more messed up will she be when she is stuck at her mothers without her best friend??
I want to do the best thing. I have been working so hard at this marriage and the horrible blending of families but this kid living with us will literally be the death of me!! HELP!
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OH god yes! If I had known
OH god yes! If I had known then what I know now I would NOT BE MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST ME!!
I would love to print those bill of rights out and just hand them to my husband. Because as of today.........not one of these 10 things apply in our house. NOT ONE!
Guiltzilla: 1. Does your man
Guiltzilla:
1. Does your man allow co-sleeping with his children? (aka the kiddies routinely jump into bed with him at night)
2. Does he have to lie down with them to get them to sleep?
3. Do the children seem somehow "stunted" socially? Do they have poor hygiene habits, eating habits, bedtime habits?
4. Does your man subscribe to the "one big happy family" model? (expects you to love his children as much as or more than him)
5. Does your man have the "inability" to say no to his children?
6. Do his children seem overly "hyperactive" to you?
7. Does your man say "just relax; you worry too much" or "Everything will be just fine" if you bring up a legitimate concern
8. Do the children seem "overly needy" demanding that dad spend 24/7 with them? Do they physically lay all over him and go bonkers when daddy steps out of their peripheral vision?
9. Are they unable to do age appropriate tasks or want dad to do things that could easily be done themselves?
10. Does dad seem overprotective of his children; unwilling to let them try things out on their own?
11. Has dad said things like "I don't want to make waves with the BM b/c it will affect the children" or "we'll take the high road" when faced with blatant BM stepping over boundaries.
12. Has dad said things to you like "you don't like my children" or "my children are UNCOMFORTABLE with you" or "you're a child hater" or "my children are afraid of you" or "my children don't like you?" This is code for you are able to see through the manipulation and the children don't like it. . . and frankly he doesn't like the fact that you can see through his children's manipulation either. He'd rather look the other way as opposed to actually parenting because he might "lose" his children to the (almost always) PASinator BM.
My jaw literally just hit the
My jaw literally just hit the floor!! I have never read this! Literally all 12 apply to my husband! HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!
All twelve and more applied
All twelve and more applied to Guilty Daddy as well. The BM AND her family were doing major league PAS on all three skids. They have all PASed out 4+ years ago. They are all doing horribly in school (not that Guilty Daddy cares--he makes excuses for them). I have been with Guilty Daddy 10 miserable years. It does NOT get any better. He is in constant mourning for his kids due to his failure to stand up to the BM and see through her (and the skid's) crap. He NEVER stood up for himself and let the BM and skids trample over him.
Who does he blame for all this? You guessed it... ME! Although I tried to get him to establish a PROPER parent/child relationship via PARALLEL parenting as his divorce was high conflict: definition: BM had absolute hatred and rage and he just rolled over and took it.
Nope.
He has ever so s-l-o-w-l-y
He has ever so s-l-o-w-l-y turned into a Mr. Hyde from his Dr. Jeckyl when I met him. He's now a raging alcoholic with an anger management problem. A complete 180 of the man I met 11 years ago.
He pays so much in CS that he can't afford to live on his own and has to live off of me which furthers his resentment of his situation. I'm a convenient emotional punching bag for him. Frankly, he's done so many nasty things to me and bitten the hand that feeds him that I'm just waiting for karma to catch up with him. He has made vile threats that should I kick him out after I "ruined his life" he will burn down my house and cause me bodily harm.
Where I live, no cop could get their fast enough should he start doing bad stuff (you know, the police are minutes away when seconds matter). He has weapons in the house and I have no doubt he would use them. I once had rental property so I treat him like a tenant. Just stick to topics like the weather and what's for dinner and I keep out of trouble that way.
Thank GOD I didn't marry him; although he has always pressured me to marry him so he could "get half the house" get life insurance so he'll be taken care of should I pass on and so that he could get on my work's health insurance and other benefits. NO WAY!!
So why are you still with
So why are you still with him, what ties you together? I understand he's making threats, but surely it won't get any better however long you stay with him - you'll just have the feeling of having wasted xxx years.
Once again as a trained
Once again as a trained killer in the military, I value my life and my property. The police can not keep him from doing things to me or destroying my home unless he PERMANENTLY goes to prison with no parole. He has often said that he has "nothing to live for" since his "angels" PASed out and since CS takes so much of his income away. He does not fear prison in the least and has actually said he looks FORWARD to it.
RUN now while you still can!
RUN now while you still can! It was so bad in my case (and I KNOW how to parent--I had raised 2 successful children to adulthood before I met Mr. Guilty Daddy) that I had to write a small booklet on Amazon.com under Kindle as a catharsis and in hopes it would warn other women before it is too late.
dup
dup
Yep mine too. I did put a
Yep mine too. I did put a stop to the co sleeping before we moved in together.
The rest still all applies two years in to living together.....
You absolutely have a say in
You absolutely have a say in who lives in your home. You absolutely have a say in choices that will change your family dynamic. You have a 50% say, not a 100% say. Your husband also has a 50% say and you need to take his wants and needs into consideration if your end goal is to improve your marriage.
If any of your concerns are safety concerns for you and your children then what I'm about to say does not apply. If safety isn't the concern, if it were me, having only the amount of information that you posted, I would first off, say how I feel and voice my concerns in a way that would not put my DH on the defensive. I would then ask what he wanted to do. If he wants his child to move in, I would probably lay some very serious boundaries, rules, discipline etc. and make sure you know your role and what types of things you will be handling and what DH considers to be crossing the line. I would also give my DH a timeline to review, I would let him know that the situation is temporary and that I expect an adjustment period, but beyond 3 weeks (or whatever your comfortable with) if xyz are on-going issues we need to re-evaluate. Once you re-evaluate, definitely get the changes in writing/change custody!
I hope that you guys work it out, in my honest opinion, if your DH wants this and you don't and you put your foot down, it will be VERY difficult to improve your marriage.
You need to be honest with
You need to be honest with your husband about how you feel about this and how you think it might affect your marriage right now. Take a deep breath first, so you don't say something to put him on the defensive about his kid.
If he is hell bent on the kid moving in, definitely discuss boundaries, his parenting his son, etc.
He needs to not make it easy for BM, either. Custody needs to be legally changed and CS worked out. Both BM and SS need to know that this is not a game and there will be no changing back & forth because it's too hard at one place or whatever.
Sometimes they change their mind when they realize what's really involved.
When my husband's oldest daughter was 13 (and had been estranged from him since she was very young) she was mad at her mom and wanted to move in with us. My husband told her what the rules would be at our house and we didn't hear from her for another year.
"Make CS updated to reflect
"Make CS updated to reflect the custody change. I agree that many BMs will back off because they assume it's going to be a hand-shake deal and won't lose out on the Legal status and CS."
^^^^^THIS^^^^^^
Many BMs expect to still receive full custodial CS after they dump the kids off at daddykins as some sort of twisted "ransom money." Let the BM know that she will not be receiving CS for him and she will not have any authority to undermine your rules, otherwise she will be held in contempt.
Lots of times, after establishing the dangerous precedent of free ranging/BFF/A.S.S. (adult spousal status) since toddlerhood, the teen naturally wants to shop for the house with the fewest rules--usually after the BM realizes too late that her BFF/A.S.S. method of non-parenting isn't working now.
100% agree with this as
100% agree with this as well!!!
Yep. Luckily, neither of my
Yep. Luckily, neither of my SDs are minors anymore but SD22 and her 2 kids live with BM and they are not getting along. Too bad for them.
This is my biggest fear. SS
This is my biggest fear. SS already did this when he was 16, turned into a big lying sack of shit and was thrown back to BM's house a few months shy of his 21st bday. Spent 5 years dealing with his loser ass.
SD13 is the one that scares me. If BM pulls this I don't know what I'll do. Only reason why I think she WONT try this is because she would rather die than give up the CS she gets.
However, if it ever came to this, I'd insist on legal custody thru the courts and BM will be paying US CS for her. Without it, the answer will be NO.
Mr. Guilty Daddy says the
Mr. Guilty Daddy says the same thing. He hears stories about kids becoming teens and calling CPS on the NCP biodad. That has already happened to us as the BM works for CPS and tried her hardest to trump stuff up and get him in trouble (which I spent 6 months bailing him out--no appreciation from Mr. Guilty DAddy for that either).
He says he's glad to pay his exhorbitant CS to keep all three living with the BM. I'm sure there'll come a time when they come back GOD FORBID. They are OSS 17, SD stb 15 and YSS stb 11.
We need to work on our
We need to work on our marriage before adding more drama says it all right there. As a parent your children are your first priority his son no matter how you feel about him is not drama. He is his child and your marital issues is a separate issue . A child for all intents and purposes of here before you no offense. And honestly I really don't feel like you have the right to say no, 5 years ago my step son came and moved in with us I wouldn't have dreamed telling my husband no any more than he would have ordered my child out. People divorced spouses not children.
No my children are my first
No my children are my first priority. I said it correctly the first time. My spouse already is an adult while our children are not. My spouse is my second priority and I come last as he comes last and his order of priorities. Yes one day our children will be adults and then priorities can change until then children always come 1st! What's in their best interest takes precedence to what is in our best interest.
Ahhhh this old debate
Ahhhh this old debate again..
Meeting your childrens needs is your responsibility as a parent. Wants on the other hand do not come before your spouses needs/wants.
Your marriage should always be no. 1 priority because that is in the whole families best interest.
Your childrens basic first need above all else is for the security of their parents having a happy marriage.
Now obviously those of us who have skids and bio's from other rs/marriages fucked this up the first time.
Which makes making your rs top priority imperative for you, your partner AND all the children caught up in it. They especially need to see how a healthy functional rs works, they learn how a rs should be from their own home lives.... they need to have modelled for them dad and mum (or whatever version you have) taking care of each other, meeting each others needs, respecting each other, loving each other etc.
Aside from modelling how a marriage looks they need the security of the adults in the house being happy and committed.
Read the book "To Raise Happy Kids Put Your Marriage First".
Thank you! I am going read
Thank you! I am going read it now!
Well, now that you mention
Well, now that you mention the going to her house bit. Actually, yes he stopped only because he HAD to work nights the last two weeks. So this very well could be a result of that! I had not thought about that!
I am with you........what parent just pawns off the child when he or she is tired of disciplining them?? We are hear to raise our children and be parents. Not be their best friend and let them run the show.
SS did tell his mom that he is "getting along" better with his dad rather than his mom right now and agrees that he should live with us??
This is the crap that bugs
This is the crap that bugs me. These kids are allowed to basically take advantage of the fact that their parents are not together, by hopping back and forth between homes, disrupting households etc.
What the hell are DH, myself and BS3 going to do if we start "not jiving"? We are going to work on it as a family. BS is not going to run off to another house, DH and I are not going to pawn him off to another house...
There were PLENTY of times during my teen years that my mom, step dad and myself did not "jive" and I never once dreamed of running off to my dads and my mother never once mentioned it to even be an option.
Yep, the guilty daddy that he
Yep, the guilty daddy that he is will not do anything you mentioned. He will jump on it but here is the kicker! He will expect me to just add his son to my list of kids I raise on a daily basis! SORRY! That will not be happening. He can wake his happy self up at the crack of dawn just like I do to get the kids ready for school. Then play mean parent while doing homework, eating dinner, cleaning up, taking baths etc......
SS thinks what he sees on weekends is how we roll. He will be very upset when he realizes shit gets real during the week. It is not all rainbows and butterflies like disney dad makes it out to be.
How does your husband take
How does your husband take when you say that?? Mine would lose it on me!
I guess that fact is........he doesn't love me like most of everyone else on here's husbands. He just loves the idea of me. So, I am really believing this marriage is going to end regardless of what happens.
"My best advice is SS doesn't
"My best advice is SS doesn't move in until the CO and the CS has been changed to reflect the new arrangement- this is completely reasonable and I'd force my DH to stick to this or no deal (no marriage)
And I'd make sure DH steps up to the parenting plate and do for his son- not you. DH wants him to come live at his house? DH can do the work"
Yes, you guys are so right! I will have to do just that!! Otherwise DH will think I will be footing the bill for everything for this kid and put on the parenting roll for him as well as my own. NOT GUNNA HAPPEN!! DH will have to forfeit his lovely lifestyle of sleeping past 9 every morning and coming and going as he pleases. He will have to be like all the rest of us and take care of kids everyday. He isn't going to like it one bit.