I know where "guilt" parenting leads not just because of the "wonderful" (sarcasm) example DH created for SD with SS, but also because of me and my sister. You see, my OWN father was a "guilt" parent, and the similarities between my situation now and my situation when I was child are uncanny! (God knows I should've known better than to get myself into this mess!)

My parents divorced when my sister was 4 and I was 2, so like my own SKs I never remember a time that my parents were together parenting under the same roof. My dad used to have my sister and I every other wknd (but not all summer because still to this day a standard court-ordered parenting plan would not place the child with the NCP for an entire summer - usually only a few weeks at most. Full summer visitation is usually reserved for long-distance parenting plans. And yes, I know because I've been through the courts recently regarding my BS and his BF who lived locally and then long-distance.)

Anyway, I digress. My dad, like my DH pretty much slept all weekend while my sister and I, like my SD, did whatever the hell we wanted to do! No supervision, no monitoring, no rules, no guidance, no direction, no discipline! Of course, also like my SD, because this is every child's dream, we wanted to be at our dad's house every chance we could get! I mean, besides not really parenting us, we, like my SD, also got whatever we wanted. We ate what we wanted, talked on the phone to whoever we wanted, watched whatever tv shows and movies and listened to whatever music we wanted (however, I will say that we did not have access to nearly the type of stuff that SD has access to today because there was no internet.) Ocassionally, when my father was awake and was tired of being ignored (like when he wanted to use the phone or watch football instead MTV), he would yell at us like my DH does with SD, and that was the extent of his "correcting" us. Finally, like DH does with SD, he bought us whatever expensive gadgets and clothing we wanted (and of course we didn't appreciate it and expected him to replace things we irresponsibly lost and broke all the time like SD), and took us out to eat wherever we wanted for every meal. I will say, however, that since back in those days we spent quite a bit of time actually OUTDOORS hanging out with our friends, it was not necessary for my dad to try take us somewhere to entertain us all all of the time the way DH does with SD.

Okay, so fast foward to now. My sister is a struggling single mom to 4 children with 2 different fathers, 2 of whom she had before the age of 21. Her first 2 children who are now over 18, AND their father, are all in prison. Her younger 2 children are separated, with the youngest boy living out of state with my sister's XH/his father and TRULY "evil" step-mother (drama!), and her only daughter who did live with the XH/also her father only recently moving back with her mom after an actual physical altercation with the step-mother (told you it was drama!) Anyway, if you asked my sister to this day why things turned out so "great" (sarcasm again) for her she blames my father. What?! NOT for coddling her and not teaching her how to be a responsible, independent adult mind you, but rather for "not being there for her enough" after she was already an adult, which is code-word for actually eventually letting her be an adult rather than continuing to come her rescue all of the time!

Then there's my 19yo SS who almost failed out of high school and is now currently working at Wendy's and living with his girlfriend at her aunt's house after being evicted from their apartment and getting his girlfriend's car impounded because he was driving it without a license all within the past year since moving out at 18yo. (DH tried to send money to help by the way, but it apparently was "not enough".)

So what of me? Well, I'm a homeowner with an MBA, a job I like with good pay, a husband that I really do love despite our challenges, and 2 wonderful children that I love to death. Yes, I did have one child out of wedlock when I was almost 31yo, but you'll just have to trust me when I say that it must've been in GOD's plan because that child really should NOT have been, but the good lord gives us what we need, and no more than he thinks we can handle.

Which brings me to my SD. Both my dad and my DH are SMART people, and so is my sister and my SS. I can't really tell with SD yet because she really hasn't done anything to indicate that she is, but that doesn't mean she isn't so I'll just assume she takes after DH and SS in that respect. That said, obviously intelligence makes no difference in how good a parent someone is and how responsible of an adult someone will be. The main difference in me & my SD is that unlike my sister I actually internalized the values that my MOM raised me with even though I rebelled against them and went to go live with my dad as a teen. At the end of the day, I truly believe it was THOSE values my MOM instilled in me that saved me from a mediocre adulthood, but unfortunately my SD does not have a mother like I had, so I don't hold out as much hope for her.