Disengaging
I have 2 SK 12 year- old boy, 10 year- old boy. I have 1 bio from my previous marriage, 9 year-old boy.
I do not live with my DH because my DH must live 30 minutes from his job per contract and my son loves his current school so I don't want to move him. My son thrives academically at his school and I don't want him switching schools. My son gets visitation with his dad 2 to 3 nights a week so staying where I am is best in the town we live in. I have a very good job I have been at for 9 years, I do not want to give up. I see my DH and SS very frequently even though we live apart. DH and I have a good marriage outside of his different parenting style and unruly SS age 12.
SS 12 is in therapy every 2 weeks for anxiety. SS 12 is mean to his 10 year-old brother: constantly calling him names, saying no one cares what he has to say or wants to talk about, stealing his prized toys, hitting, tackling, throwing things at him, putting his feet on him, kicking. The worst of it was a few weekends ago, he poked his brother with a screwdriver in the leg. Thankfully it wasn't a severe injury but I am tired of this craziness!
I was watching the 2 SS along with my bio son a few weekends a month while my husband worked. I told my husband I no longer want to watch my 2 SS.
I am exhausted trying to constantly break-up the fighting and putting SS 12 in his room for time-out over and over all weekend. DH puts SS 12 in his room for time-outs but then turns around and lets him play his Playstation.after he has been mean to his brother. My DH has physical custody, the 2 SS only go with bio-mom EOWE. I think SS 12 needs much more harsher punishments for his terrible behavior..
I am going to start enjoying my weekends DH works and not watch them anymore, Grandma can do it. I encouraged DH to call the therapist and let her know SS 12 is still physically picking on SS 10. I think therapist is just taking SS 12's words on how things are and has no idea he is a complete menace!
SS 12 has had 1 consult with a psychologist. I think he needs seen again. When he is told no he asks over and over for whatever he was told no about. He often says adults are "Karen''s" and "dumb" and he lies frequently.
I think SS 12 may have Oppositional Defiance Disorder. I am afraid of what he will be like as a teen if he doesn't straighten-up. I am washing my hands of it, my DH can deal with his behavior and get him the help he needs or not. I am so glad I have my own home. Not being able to live together is a blessing in disguise!
Any advice from other SM's that have had terribly behaved SK's? What did you do? At some point if SS 12 gets worse, I may end my marriage although I love DH and get along great with my other SS 10.
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Comments
Good you are living apart
This behavior sounds like ODD but I'm no shrink. What I do know is that this behavior is absurd and poor SS10 is being tortured and needs help too.
An every 2 week therapy appointment is laughable. This child has severe issues and needs immediate intervention.
good for you living apart. Keep it that way. Keep your innocent bio supervised AT ALL times. I personally would keep my bio away from him until he has real psychological and behavioral intervention and gets better.
This behavior can easily escalate and your DH is at risk of losing the younger sibling. Do not risk your bio or yourself to be involved in an act of violence/cps case. That is where you are headed.
I am currently living apart with my bio. My teenage stepson was being diagnosed with ODD before he left his counselor at age 11. My SS now 16 is also violent. He escalated over the years.
I hope your DH steps it up for his son. I absolutely would refuse to be left alone with this out of control child.
Risks
I am afraid SS 12 will worsen like your SS 16 has. It sounds like you understand this hell.
If SS 12 gets too bad, I think he could go live with his Grandma for awhile but DH will not want that to happen unless things become very extreme.
SS 12 will have a decent week of behaviors then my DH thinks it isn't so bad, it is like he forgets how bad it is when it is bad. I am afraid as SS 12 goes through puberty ( likely soon will be 13 in about 5 months) his behaviors will get worse.
I feel badly for SS 10 and I tell DH he is n9t being fair to him by not cracking down hard on SS 12.
The therapy every 2 weeks is a joke. SS needs psychological evaluation. He is good at talking, manipulating, and putting on a show. I bet his therapist has no idea what really goes on.
I can only hope SS 12 acts out more in front of DH and his Grandma since I won't be watching him anymore. Maybe DH will see just how terrible and stressful it is.
I don't like being around SS 12, he makes me feel on edge and I do not enjoy his company at all. SS used to be a nicer kid, I wish it were different.
"DH will not want that to
"DH will not want that to happen unless things become very extreme."
So what exactly is he waiting for? What does he consider extreme. Does he realize that, should his DS12 put his brother in hospital, break a bone or two, etc. that he could lose BOTH of them?
I agree and I worry this will
I agree and I worry this will happen. DH needs to realize this is serious and stop being in denial. SS needs evaluated and the sooner the better.
I refuse to watch them anymore as I am not going to be the adult in charge if SS keeps acting out snd something bad happens. DH told me yesterday he will be talking to the therapist. I just hope he gives her the real picture. I am at wits end with this.
Good for you, Momlife, having
Good for you, Momlife, having the sense to separate your 9-year-old son from his abusive step-brother, yet what a shame that your younger step-son is not afforded the same protection from his custodial parent.
A parent’s first obligation to their child is to keep them safe. It saddens me, reading accounts of vulnerable children being victimized by a sibling, made worse by glaring parental failure. I can only imagine how that 10-year-old must feel, being bullied by his older brother with no recourse to an overseeing, caring adult.
Quite frankly, your husband deserves a giant kick up the ass for allowing the torment of his younger son to continue. Is it possible for the boy to live with his mother or a responsible relative ?
Since you’re (very wisely) unwilling to continue minding your husband’s children, he’ll, hopefully, become more aware of the harassment. However, the damage to his younger son may become so irreversible that he’ll have both children in therapy.