I'm sorry that you're going through this. You may not like my take on it, but I think that DH is trying to see a glimmer of positivity and is trying to put YOU first.

In a way, he's right. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to help BS. However, your feelings are valid and you're allowed to feel them! Sometimes we get so overwhelmed that we don't know what we should do or even know how to think about what we should do.

Most importantly, BREATHE, take care of yourself, and take care of your son. It sounds as though your DH will support you in whatever you decide to do. We're here for you!

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

I dont think you should be upset about the email. I think its his way of saying look i know he isnt doing what you wanted him to do. Any parent would be upset about thier child doing drugs. I think hes trying to get you to see the bright side of it. You set rules for your child and he didnt follow them. You set the consequences for breaking them and you are following through with that. If you guys are still talking thats great. He still has goals thats great also. I wouldnt get to upset about it. It sounds like it was his attempt to cheer you up.

Hug DH it might make you feel better, and you'll be able to sense his sincerity. I would assume he's probably feeling a bit of releif, not only did he get those substances out of his hooe, it wasn't completely disasterous, your child is still talking to you! That's beyond fantastic. DH sees the silver lining, and he knows your hurting, he just misses his happy wife. I understand that fully. It kills me when DH is unhappy and there's nothing to be don about it!

Honey, I am so sorry for what you're going through. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you and your feelings and lack of sleep are valid. I am proud of you for doing what some parents would not have the strength to do, but needs to be done so that BS can suffer the consequences of his behavior. The only way people make changes is if they have consequences. Remember that. You are helping him the only way you can because you can't force him to stop, you can only make him responsible for the consequences of his actions.

Now, as for your dh, I think your hurt and stress are skewing your take on his email. Men are dumb. I know it isn't what you need from him right now, buy he doesn't know that. I think he is trying to help and to give you a positive spin. My dh is classic for this. He is always trying to make me feel better about our recent loss. It upsets me and makes me feel like her really doesn't understand how I feel. I am sure he doesn't. How could he? But that doesn't mean he doesn't love me or is dismissing my hurt, he just doesn't know how else to help and I have to love him for trying. I think YOUR dh is in the same boat. He doesn't know how to make it better. He probably loves you very much and is afraid of what this will do to you and is trying to snap you out of your pit of emotions because he is afraid of where they'll take you. Please don't be angry with him for that, it will only make your pain worse to withdraw from him. Tell him exactly what you need. Tell him you appreciate that he is trying to help, but what you need right now is for him to hold you and let you grieve (it is a grieving process) and that you are not ready for the "positive side of things" just yet. Men are fixers and they don't understand that sometimes when we reach out, we aren't looking for them to fix it, we're asking them to listen and to validate. I have said the same thing to my dh after he's got a little upset with me for losing hope and being so far down in the dumps. I have actually had to say to him "please don't yell at me for how I FEEL". He was shocked. He didn't understand that that is how he was coming across when he felt he was trying to help.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

My guess is he's worried about you and is trying to help you.

Most guys (sorry to guys I offend here) are very "solution-oriented" in their advice. If you feel bad about something, they don't want you to feel bad -- so they'll say something that sounds to us women like "Jeez, get over it!" I think that their gesture, translated into woman-talk, is "I'm worried about you and I really want you to feel better, but I don't know how to make it better, so I'll tell you to look on the bright side and tell you all the things that are good." That still sounds to us like they are ignoring or belittling our feelings. But I think it has more to do with the way men are socialized to be afraid of confronting or dwelling on emotions. For most guys, if they are upset or worried or depressed, their first reaction will be to do something to get their mind off it. That's what they think of as "healthy" -- which is why they will advise others to try to stop thinking so much about the thing that is bothering them. The basic philosophy is, "If it hurts when you hit your hand with a hammer, stop hitting your hand with a hammer." If it hurts to think about your son and worry about his future, stop thinking about your son and worrying about his future."

I'll admit, it doesn't make a lot of sense to me, either, but I can recognize it when I see it (even if it bugs me when a male does it to me!

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

Everyone here has already given you some really great advice. I am so sorry that you have to go through this with your son. I think your DH is trying to help. I don't see anything wrong with his email at all. I think this is just a sensitive time for you.
((((HUGS))))

Momatwitsend, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. It is similar to grieving a loss - you are grieving, so you will go through the many stages of it, and that is totally normal (shock/devastation, sadness, bargaining, acceptance, etc...). Drugs are a very serious problem and I am so totally impressed by you and the stance you took with your BS. I think you are amazing!! You are doing the right thing - it is called "tough love" - teaching your son that there are consequences to his actions will eventually put him on the right track and I pray for you all that it all works out fine and that you will eventually look back & be glad that you did everything you could to win the war between drugs & your son's life.

As for your DH, I agree with everyone above & their advice. He's watching you hurting and he really doesn't know what to do to take the hurt away. Think about it, you haven't slept in 2 days - that is dangerous to anyone's health, nevermind to the woman he loves. He's a man, and I totally agree that men are "fixers", not necessarily the best "sounding boards". Please don't push him away. His email appears to be written out of love, to make you see the "silver lining" on the clouds by pointing out "things COULD be worse". You may not want to hear that at this point because you're not ready to, but it seems that he's just trying to help & support you through what anyone would consider an impossible sitation to deal with. He sounds like a keeper to me!! IMO

Momat, we recently learned my SS(24) is a drug addict. (Currently in rehab and I hope his resolve to fix this carries through to his real life.) So I know something of what you're going through, although I'm more like your DH since it's not my own son. I never quite know what to say to my DH and have gotten it wrong more than once. Please, keep talking, keep talking, keep talking to him. Your DH just doesn't have a clue as to what it is you need, and I bet if you told him some of the things he could do for you, he would.