Getting through the next couple of months
I'm new to all this and have so much in my head. I'll apologize in advance for the length of this post. I hope someone reads it though.
I met my fiancé almost 3 years ago. His first wife died a couple of months before we met. We are getting married in 2.5 weeks. My FDH has a DD8 (9 in August). I have been parenting her for the last year and a half, with his permission, support, and encouragement. Up to this point, we don't live together, which means that there are a lot of changes coming in all of our lives. (I figure I won't sleep for a few months because I don't share beds well.) My FSD8 says she's excited that I will be "like a mom" (hence my name here).
FSD is not a bad kid. Really she's not. She's been dealt an absolutely awful hand in life. From what he tells me, my fiancé and his LW had a pretty good marriage. Except when it came to her parents (alcoholic and meth addict respectively). I'll reserve judgment because I simply wasn't there (but I get the impression from his whole family that he may have rose-colored glasses on). My FSIL pretty much hated LW. And from what he has told me, she was over-bearing and ran the house as she wanted. I do everything in my power to do the opposite. Back to my FSD, her mom got sick when she was about 3, so most of her memories of mommy are not feeling well and staying in bed all day. Plus the addict in-laws were living with them. It's not a surprise that FSD8 is a bit messed up. She's also special needs.
But she's regressing. She acts like she's 4 and I makes me nuts! I know the upcoming changes worry her. She's going to have chores and have to earn McD's and toys. Plus I keep pushing her to be more independent (brushing her own hair, picking up after herself, etc). She told me it would make her dad sad if he didn't do these things for her. I told her we'd ask him and he agreed with me. She needs to grow up. However, he wants to keep her a child. Her period is coming at any time and she'll flip if she starts bleeding down there. She doesn't have time to stay a child (she's growing puberty hair), but she can stay innocent.
There is just so much going on and I'm feeling so pressured. I've pretty much planned this whole wedding myself because (according to him) it's my day.
I fully intend to adopt her once we are married. Can I call her "my" daughter at that point?
Sorry this is rambling. I just need to get things out of my head.
- Like a mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
This guy seems far too eager
This guy seems far too eager to find a new mommy to his kid. You don't even live together, yet he's happily transferred a ton of responsibility for his kid to you.
He isn't even interested in planning the wedding, he just wants to lock down that free babysitting? I would feel like he's trying to marry the nanny. And with this girl nearly hitting puberty, don't fool yourself into thinking she will gladly accept these brewing changes.
Please do not adopt this girl for several years. Please wait until she is old enough to understand the significance and until you are absolutely certain you can take on all that this man and his damaged kid "offer."
I appreciate your input and
I appreciate your input and in reality, due to finances, it will take time before the adoption can take place. You have a very good point that I should wait until she can have an opinion about the adoption.
I have chosen to take on the responsibility of parenting FSD. Again with his support. I want to be a mom. Even if we can't have bio kids, I want to adopt kids out of foster care. I was born to be a mom. It's all I've ever wanted.
But I hear what you are saying. There is no rush to do the adoption. I can wait. Thanks for your suggestions.
Slow down.
Your SO is very happy to dump his DD on you. He happy to find a new mother to complete his Happy Family. What in it for you, does he put you first? Does he want to have alone time with your? Dose he get a babysitter so you two can go to dinner and a movies alone. Do you go away for the weekend alone?
Or he just happy of washing his hands of his DD, and let you take over? Did you two discuss an us baby? Moving into a new home ?
He does put our relationship
He does put our relationship first. In the beginning, he didn't, but I stood my ground and now he does. We're not really "go out and do things" people. But we will get a babysitter and go out alone. After we're married, we are going to try for a second child. And we're trying to buy a house (just got out bid for the house we wanted
) I don't really mind that he lets me take over. He absolutely jumps in if he thinks I'm being too strict (I often am), but we don't talk about it in front if FSD. We discuss it together and make a decision that we can agree on as "parents." I'd prefer that to having no say in what goes on in my house.
Red Flag Number One (of many)
"He does put our relationship first. In the beginning, he didn't, but I stood my ground and now he does."
If I were you - I'd take it
If I were you - I'd take it slow. Don't go in with the plan to take over and be the primary parent and disciplinarian, make sure DH is the primary parent and you two support each other. Even with her mother gone, it would be very easy for her to begin to resent your rules and make you the "bad parent" and DH the "good parent". You seem like you have clear ideas how you think kids should be raised, but DH should be driving how his daughter will be raised, at least until you do adopt her. And don't adopt her until it's clear that you and DH are a team, and it will all work out OK.
DH doesn't get to just find a woman to dump parenting on and continue to be the nice dad.
Thanks for your input. So far
Thanks for your input. So far, we're trying to be a team, but that takes a lot of time. And many things will change once we are all living in the same house. Including how we've "parented" up to this point. I know it will all change and we've got to adjust to a new normal. Again.
Has she had any counseling
After the loss of her mother? Maybe when your FDH was doing some things for her, like brushing her hair, that mothers usually do, he got sad thinking that her mother had died and his daughter was going to miss a lot of mother/daughter moments and perhaps your FSD picked up on that sadness and misconstrued it? A lot going on here I would give her some time. Maybe play hairstylist with her, teach her how to braid her hair or curl it herself. I think it will take a lot of baby steps but if you are patient she will most likely come around. At 9 she is still reachable and teachable especially in your situation with no negative BM interference. My DDs brushed their own hair at 9 and only came to me if they wanted comfort or had a large snarl. In fact DD still at 15 sometimes asks me to brush her hair and its just her way of saying something is on my mind I need comfort. Good luck!
Thank you for your supportive
Thank you for your supportive and positive view. She only had counseling at school. I want to get her into private counseling. She holds things close to her chest and I firmly believe that she needs a professional who can help her open up. I just got my own therapist so I can be the best "like a mom" that I can be. I love this kid. Don't always like her, but I love her. And I want what's best for her. I'm discovering that I'm really lucky there's no BM to create havoc!
As I said, she's very immature for her age and I wouldn't be surprised if she has read more into her father's responses than he meant.
Sounds like you
are doing all the right things for her and you. Parenting is hard even if it is your own children. I've told my DDs on more than one occasion "I don't like your behavior right now, I love you, I always will but I don't like your behavior" Honestly there were times when the girls were teenagers when I didn't like them at all - still loved them but didn't like them probably would've traded them for a puppy if I could've LOL not really but . . .
That's what I've been saying.
That's what I've been saying. "I love you, but your behavior needs to change" Honestly, the kid is soooo freaking smart, but most of the time, you'd think she was on the autism spectrum and non-verbal the way she makes noises. Lots of grunts and "mehs" She thinks she's being cute and that kids will want to be friends with her, but they don't because of her behavior. She's an amazing kid and deserves better than what life dealt her. (Well who doesn't?) I can't change what happened in her past, but I hope to help her in her future. I'm far from perfect. Hmmmm. Puppies... Lol
Dont adopt. You will end up
Dont adopt. You will end up paying child support for a kid that isnt yours.
My cousin and best friend both married men who adopted their young children and those men were very resentful of the child support they paid after the divorce for an extra kid.
I would never adopt my skids but they live with DH &I because their mother is an idiot.
That is a good point. And I
That is a good point. And I am absolutely willing to take that into consideration. Thanks.
You are just painting such a Rosie picture in your mind
we all done that at one point. You have to understand that losing her BM has to screw up a kid. If she is not doing counseling, with a real professional, not a school want a be, she is going to be in trouble. She is always going to think, “ If my real mom was alive she would do this, “. You are never going to replace her mother. Not at this age.
Having another child she may feel that she is being push to the side. How is she going to feel when you have first with your bio child she never had with her mother. First time to see Santa, Taking bio to Santa workshop wher bio will have a good time but everything is set up for two years olds not 12 years olds. Leggo land with a 12 or 13 year old
not only is the age difference is going to be big, but SD never did any of this with a sick mother. There is going to be push back from SD in some way or shape or something,
No, but she did it with a
No, but she did it with a healthy father.
OP do you have experience in
OP do you have experience in raising a special needs child (apart from being around FSD)? I don't know how deep her needs are or what they are but that's another thing to consider here before rushing into both this marriage and adopting this child. Parenting is hard and additional challenges can create parenting and relationship stress.
* Disclaimer: I do not have a special needs child. I do not have experience raising a special needs child. I am only surmising that it presents additional challenges in raising children. If someone wants to tell me to STFU because I'm surmising wrong please feel free.
Also, her father doesn't have
Also, her father doesn't have experience with children at all, let alone special needs. So we're both learning.
Your SO should investigate
Your SO should investigate resources available to him (and you if you decide to take this on) to help raising special needs kids and understand her challenges vs. learning as he goes - I think it would help her AND him (AND you). This will only benefit the child even if you don't stay in the picture. Grief counsling would be great for her, too. She has a lot of difficult feelings to process with losing her mother on top of everything else.
I agree. Grief counseling is
I agree. Grief counseling is necessary. She needs someone to open up to.
Her father has no experience with children
But he has an 8YO?
I wondered how one doesn't
I wondered how one doesn't have experience with kids but their kid is 8 as well...
I didn't word that well.
I didn't word that well. Prior to having his daughter, he had no experience with kids. Never babysat, worked in daycare, had friends with kids, etc. After she was born, he was a sahd. Very hands on. The only thing he didn't do was breastfeeding.
Full honesty, I have worked
Full honesty, I have worked with special needs kids, but not 24/7. It is harder to be around her compared to "normal" children, but that doesn't mean I'm not willing to put the effort into the relationship with her. She's worth it!
Wow. Joining this website is
Wow. Joining this website is nothing like I thought it would be. I don't need to be coddled in cotton wool, but many of the responses that I received didn't have to tear me down and make me feel like I'm an idiot. I was looking for dialog and communication. Instead, these comments left me feeling like I had to defend myself and/or my fiancé and/or his daughter. What is wrong with most of you? Have your lives really dragged you so far down that you are incapable of being neutral in your comments? Let alone trying to find something positive? Several commenters made good points ie: waiting to adopt until fsd can have an opinion, taking my time introducing chores, etc. These were the comments I needed. Not the ones mocking me for wanting to be a mom or implying that I'm wrong for trying to find positivity in my (stb) marriage. I'm new to reaching out to people online for help and I'm really disappointed with this experience.
I haven't been here long but
I haven't been here long but I've found that a lot of responses in general are very reactionary but from a place of long-term, painful experience with their SO's and Skids. I've gone back and read these people's stories and there are people who have lost lifetimes after being abused (literally) by Skids while being ignored and/or taken advantage of by SO's/BP's etc.
So a lot of responses tend to be things like:
RUN!
RUN FAST!
RUN AWAY!
and so on.
I stand by my responses. Taking on a responsiblity this big with a child dealing with so many challenges including losing their mother who was sick for a long time (and watching that) + marrying an SO who appears to want to rush you in to be "new mommy" sounds like a lot of red flags. Are you really going to be happy taking all of this on? Or are you going to be someone who posts your own damn thread of miserableness in 12 months? Now is the time to not be involved if you don't want to be responsible for this child for the rest of your life no matter what happens with SO after you adopt.
Thank you for your comments.
Thank you for your comments. My criticism wasn't directed towards you. You have some very valid points. Things that I need to consider before taking a HUGE step in my life. I've always been a commitmentphobe and at 41, I've turned down 3 previous marriage proposals. But with my fdh, I've never had any doubts.
I don't feel rushed by my fdh, although I'm sure others would feel rushed. You're right. My fsd is a huge responsibility between the death of her BM and her special needs. But I want to take this on. I want to do my best by her. I want to be part of her life and help her become the amazing woman I know she will be!
I've had many opportunities to walk out of both relationships over the time I've been with fdh, but I've never wanted to. You're right, I run the risk of being miserable in 12 months. I don't believe I will. I can't see my future, but I have to believe that it's not where I'm headed. Otherwise, I need to walk out the door now.
Thank you for your insight. Thank you for not saying "run!" until I've considered where I am and where I stand. I really appreciate what you said.